OK, just two more things really. LOL on the nips:

And LOL on the acne:

You know, I can't help myself — I always want to talk about this woman.

It's like I have Stockholm Syndrome, except that nobody is forcing me to watch her five hours a week (six during Top Model cycles, and like 10 times that if there's a Top Model marathon on VH1).

Back when Barack Obama, the first of the presidential hopefuls to sit on TyTy's couch, was on her show, I joked that she would probably eat ribs with him, or at least talk about them. She didn't. She did, however, eat Wendy's with John Edwards. Well, actually, he didn't want any, so she ate it alone.

And then she played a game with him: Presidental, in which she showed Edwards pictures of teeth and he had to guess to which president they belonged.

Those were Jimmy Carter's up there. Can you guess these?

JFK's. How about these?

George W. Bush. John Edwards actually said "ew" when he saw those pop up on the screen before he even knew who they belonged to. They are really nasty, though. They look like when Pee Wee gives Francis that trick gum, and his mouth fills up with ink, in Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

Wanna see something else gross?

That woman had a botched tummy tuck. The scar is unattracrive and all, but the worst part about the whole thing is that the doctor lifted her skin so high, that he pulled her pubic mound up past her pants, so she has to shave that entire area every day, or else she gets pubes growing out of her belly button.

Lastly, I know I make fun of the woman and I kinda loathe a lot about her, but I did genuinely love this:

She did a show on fitness and refused to do the routines or exercises with people! If I had a show, and that was on the schedule, I'd be the same damn way. It's especially awesome because she actually wore pants that accentuated her lil' belly, and looked at the abs instructor like, "Screw you, where's my Wendy's?"

You know what strikes me as hilarious? That the media who reported on Tyra's interviews with Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton kept referring to it as "historic." Well, that's not exactly what's so funny to me. The funny part is that by "historic," surely they mean that presidential candidates are using different tactics to reach out to certain demographics, and that by going on the Tyra show, they are actually showing that they give a shit about getting the vote of women 18 - 34 years old. But the thing is, I have this sneaking suspicion that Tyrant thinks it's "historic" because a model is being taken seriously. Kinda like how Diane Sawyer went from beauty queen to TV journalist. I mean, that's what I'd like to believe that Tyra is thinking. I mean, perhaps if I had a crystal ball...

But I'm no mind reader. And even if I were, I seriously doubt my ESP would be strong enough to cut through that weave. Speaking of weaves! Let's get to it.

That's a straight up wig, right? And she has some baby hairs covering up that lace front. But I think this is one of those "medical wigs" that she tried to give to Bianca after they effed up her makeover and had to shave her head. It even has a fake part and fake roots.

Tyra—predictably!—asked Hillary about body image and past hair 'dos. To be fair, though, the hair thing is kinda interesting.

And for the "Never Been Asked" segment—in which Tyra asks guests questions that they've probably actually been asked before, or questions that are so retarded that other people would be too embarrassed to ask them—Tyra asked Hillary if she knows how to text message, and whether she would rather be a contestant on American Idol, Dancing with the Stars or ANTM. (Yes, she knows how to text, and she'd rather be on DWTS.)

You know, the whole high brow/low brow thing—I get it. I mean, I can't fault Tyra for asking a question about reality television, since it's pretty much my life, and since I'm a girl who rarely ventures beyond the borders of the lower, left-hand corner of New York's approval matrix. And trust me, I'm happy there and feel no shame about it. To me, there's no such thing as a guilty pleasure.

But it's like, when you have this opportunity to make a difference in a rather large way, like delivering an audience to a political candidate, isn't there some sort of responsibility to ask at least one tough question? Or to find out plans or policies or views or something? And that's ultimately what really bothers me about this interview (besides the fact that it was boooooooring). For instance, I know for a fact that Tyra's audience was really interested in the whole abortion issue, a topic that she's way too chickenshit to ever tackle properly. But take a look at all the pro-life crap on her message boards regarding the Hillary interview.

Whatever. I'll leave you with this picture of Barabara Walters' dog Cha Cha. Happy Blue Monday!

Earlier: "Live" From New York: It's Hillary Clinton On Tyra
Tyra Interviews Barack Obama, Invites Herself To Spend The Night At The White House

Look, Saleisha got her first post ANTM gig, courtesy of The View:

JK, but Joanie, the runner up of Cycle 6 really did find work as a wig model, after ANTM.

This year, Barbara didn't stray from her normal 'do; that's very Ken circa Barbie and the Rockers.

And given that the other ladies on the panel are just as static with their styles, it's kinda awesome that we get to see Sherri's parade of wigs each week. In the spirit of the holidays, and the giving season, I'd like to give this to all of you. Happy Holidays!

Sherri Shepherd is an asshole — an idiot asshole. I'm just gonna put it out there. I watch her everyday and my eyes are just about as bulgy as hers, listening to the shit she says. She may be a nice person but yeah, ultimately she's an idiot asshole, and here's why: When someone makes bold statements, judgments, or decrees without bothering to get the facts of the matter straight and actually refuses to read up on it because they merely heard from someone else that it might conflict with his or her beliefs, that person is an idiot. And someone holds on to such uneducated statements, judgments, or decrees and defends them to the death with no regard for others' opinions, that person is an asshole.

Exhibit A: Sherri Shepherd Believes That Nothing Predates Christianity Last week, the girls were talking about the Greek philosopher Epicurus — who lived about 300 years before Jesus was born — and his thoughts on what makes a person happy.

It's very interesting that family wasn't in there, that spirituality wasn't in there...What about believing in something bigger than you? They still had Jesus back then. They still had God. They had Christians because they threw them to the lions. I don't think anything predated Christians.

Dude, she doesn't even pay attention to her own religion that she's always going on and on about. If nothing came before Jesus, then how do you explain the Old Testament? Remember the Old Testament, Sherri? That's the book that explains that evolution is wrong.

Exhibit B: Sherri Shepherd Will Not Allow Her Son To Wear A Skirt, Even Just For Play; Will Also Not Allow Him To Be Transsexual While Living Under Her Roof

If I found out a teacher let my son put a dress on, I would be mad as all get out. When you get [sic] 18 and you wanna wear a dress, and you're not in my house, put a dress on. If you wanna be transgendered when you get out the house...I'm his mother, he will not be wearing a dress. Girls wear dresses. We don't live in Scotland. There will be certain behavior that will not be going on in my house.

Exhibit C: Sherri Shepherd Temporarily Believed The World Was Flat

Is the world flat? I don't know. I never thought about it. You know what I've thought about? How I'm gonna feed my child. How I'm gonna take care of my family. Wondering if the world was flat has never been an important thing to me. If my sons asks me if the world is flat, I guess I would go and look it up.

So, the story that Tyra told Alicia Keys about "one of the most embarrassing moments" of her life from when they met at Oprah's Legends Ball sounded awfully familiar. Then I remembered that when she interviewed Obama, she told him that the most embarrassing moment of her life was when she and Kimora Lee Simmons met him at Oprah's Legends Ball, and Kimora talked all "ghetto" in his face.

I just imagine the two of them running around Oprah's Montecito compound all weekend, getting in people's faces and forcing them to suffer secondhand embarrassment. And I'm sure it took no effort either. Look what they wore to the actual ball.

Seriously, Tyra looks like her makeup artist Sutan, the guy who dresses up like her on Top Model.

Also, I didn't realize Kimora rocked the vagina arms as hard as TyTy.

These are for real, no bullshit topics that Tyra is cooking up for this season, and she's looking for people to appear on the show with these issues. First up, something that I'm sure is very close to TyTy's heart:

IS MY BEHAVIOR NORMAL?
"Do you do unusual things or have unusual behavior that the people in your life just don't understand? Do they want you to stop whatever it is that you're doing? Does someone in your life have unusual behavior and you can't make any sense of it? Do you or someone you know do very funny, unusual things that don't make any sense to you? Are you obsessed with something and it's taking over your life? Is this obsession ruining your relationships? Is your wife obsessed with celebrities and being one and you can't take it anymore? Is someone in your life obsessed with wearing a certain color everyday and you want them to get help? Does someone in your life call you more than 10 times a day, everyday and they don't have much to say? Does someone close to you hold on to everything, and refuse get rid of anything at all? Do you or someone you know constantly burst out into song, at any given moment in the day, for no reason and you want it to stop? Do you think your dog is more human than canine and you treat it like it's a person? Are you a food weirdo and have a hard time eating specific foods? Does someone in your life constantly lie about everything and you can't take it anymore? Is your husband obsessed with collecting toys and you want him to stop?"

It should also add:
"Do you roll around on the floor in front of celebrities while wearing a 45 lb wig that ultimately makes you weigh 206 lbs?"

IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TYRA TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO?
"Do you have a shopping, dining or travel question that you'd like to ask Tyra? Do you want Tyra to teach you her tricks on how to make your eyes look bigger, your butt look more shapely, on how to decorate your house, throw a cocktail party on a budget and so much more? Do you have a relationship question for Tyra like how to break up with a boyfriend or do you wait for him to say 'I love you' first?"

Yes, yes, 1000 times yes! I want Tyra to teach me lots of things. Where the hell do I even begin? I'm signing up for this today.

DOES YOUR WORKSPACE OR OFFICE NEED A "TAILORED BY TYRA" MAKEOVER?
Yes, actually, desperately it does. I bought some Ikea furniture and tried to set up a little office for myself, but I never work there, because it's too far away from the TV. I think I've only sat in this chair once.

This is where I really work. On a couch surrounded by clutter and PopTart wrappers.

Dear Tyra,
Please give my workstation a makeover. (And a weave.)

xoxo,
Tracie

P.S. Sorry I make fun of you all the time.

So the awesomest thing happened. When Tyra was dancing around like a lunatic in front of Chris Brown, the jumpsuit that she was wearing split up the ass. She said the split was this big:

So instead of changing or whatever, she decided to just tie a sweater around her waist, like she got her period and it leaked all over or something.

Periods + Tyra = a dry weave joke somewhere.

And this doesn't really have much to do with anything, but when I saved my video file before recording her date rape episode, I named it "the rapist," but you know, for file purposes, there were no spaces, so it looked like "therapist." I felt they were both oddly fitting.

So Tyra sent the lucky participants of her makeover episode a cake to tell them the good news.

It's like, "I'm gonna tell you how to dress. Eat me." And we all know the drill at this point. Everyone gets a weave. So I'm just gonna give everyone else Tyra's weave. Just 'cause.

The View did a pre-taped Halloween episode on which they transformed the studio into the Cotton Club, and the panelists as well as the audience dressed all '20s. By the way she walked and the look on her face, didn't B. Dubs look more like a zombie than a showgirl?

Oh, and you know who else looked scary, albeit unintentionally? Ethan Hawke. The man is not aging well at all. And seriously, that stage has glowing, sophisticated lighting meant to flatter a 78-year-old woman, and he still look haggard...at 36!

That has to be from smoking so heavily, right? He said that he's obsessed with his obituary because it's a "good way to make your decisions." I think he should be obsessed with it because it'll probs be published somewhere sooner than he thinks, by the looks of things, and when I say "things" I mean those crow's feet marching across his entire damn face.

Hmm...What else was scary last week? Oh yeah, duh. Her:

Yes, you, Tyra!

So there was that big, two-episode "Tyra's Bodyville" mess that was supposed to be an experiment on body image, but really was a lesson in how important social hierarchy among a group of women is when producing inane segments for a former-super model's vanity project.

The intention of the show was that people tend to judge a book by its cover...or the way it fills out a nude suit. In the second hour of the show, Tyra gave the women a bunch of job titles, and they were to assign them to each other, based on body image, although the girls didn't really follow those directions.

Check out the career options Tyra gave them:
Phone sex operator
Waitress
Maid
Flight Attendant
Janitor
Stripper
Bus Driver
Fast Food Worker
Actress
And then C.E.O is thrown in there to balance it all out.

I'm so glad she spent two hours last week on how horrible it is to stereotype women, only to...stereotype women.

There's nobody crazier than Tyra Banks. She kinda looks like a vampire here, right? Fangs 'n' Bangs.

Except for the two old ladies with dementia that she had on her show. Julia, the one on the left, kept talking about her children, but the number of children that she had kept changing throughout the interview. Seriously, I don't think I've loved a daytime TV interview more than this one.

And speaking of crazy, did anyone else notice in that clip of Heidi Klum talking into her camera that they are playing Seal's "Crazy" in the background? Sometimes you have to really give it up for the subtle genius of television editors.

OK, so when did Lance Bass stop having gay eyes and start having crazy eyes? Those are some for real Miss Cleo googly shit. He kept making that face throughout his interview.

And is it crazy for me to hope that Elisabeth Hasslebeck's labor is extra painful?

Lastly, just for shits and giggles:

You know what makes me gay (as in "happy")? Elisabeth Hasselbeck is taking an early maternity leave starting on Tuesday the 23rd! And she's not coming back until after hiatus. You know, it's not that I mind that she's a Republican, it's just that she's unwaveringly so. When she talks about banning abortion or public policy or welfare, it's clear that she's unable to step outside of herself and imagine what life could be like for people who weren't raised in the same circumstances as she. Who knows? Maybe I'll miss cursing at my TV. But right now, I'm looking forward to the guest co-hosts that will be filling her spot. May I make the first suggestion?

So in case we forget how sucky she is after she leaves, here it is:

Top 5 Favorite Detestable Quotes From Elisabeth Hasselbeck

1. "I think the only thing that helps me is that I really enjoy people. I love them."

2. "People get abortions for superficial reasons."

3. "Mitt Romney looks like he could be on a penny."

4. "Being a conservative mother isn't the challenge. Being a conservative in New York City on television is the challenge."

5. "You know when we were in Australia for Survivor, we had, I was supposed to fill out my absentee ballot. For the election. That was the controversial Gore/Bush, the whole Florida fiasco. Um, and I . . . I didn't. I was, like, too busy. And I think it was Nick Brown who was out there with me, said, you know, 'You didn't fill out your absentee ballot? Like, how do you not fill out your absentee ballot?' And then I realized what I had missed out on. So I really started a, an investigation, like why I was such an idiot as to not fill that out and partake in something that, you know, the women in Iraq just got a chance to do for the first time. You know, why? Why wouldn't I take advantage of a right that's granted to me? That wasn't always there? And I kind of recommitted to, um, reading as much as I could and learning as much as I could about, um, politics."

So Tyra's geek episode last Friday was supposed to be geek-positive, but of course, she gave the geeks makeovers.

She tried on one of the geek's glasses. This screen grab sorta makes me want to be friends with her.

Oh, who am I kidding? All the screen grabs make me want to be friends with her!

Except this one. Her weave tracks on the bottom don't match the ones on the top. Looks like someone else is in need of a makeover.

So this is the geek quiz, which Tyra filled out. See how you measure up:

Take the computer-version of the test here.

So Elisabeth said that people get abortions for "superficial reasons." I'm not even sure what the fuck that's supposed to mean, but it still pisses me off. All four of the other panel members were just as incensed.

Even Elisabeth's partner in creationism, Sherri Shepherd, couldn't get on board with what she was saying.

You have to really do shock Babs to get her face to move this much.

But Whoopi's reactions were by far my fave.

First off, I was really pissed off watching Tuesday's episode of Tyra because it was the fall fashion episode and she gave everyone in the studio audience all kinds of free shit like hats, bags, leather gloves, jewelry, and gift certificates. When Moe, Jennifer and I went yesterday, we had to literally beg for our free mini bags of potato chips (because they skipped our row). Oh, and we got this piece of shit bracelet and beads on our way out.

It's supposed to have something to do with making a commitment to remember HPV or some bullshit. Moe and I got drunk at dinner after and I ended up braiding her hair and putting the beads in it, while singing Stevie Wonder songs, a memory that had actually been erased until this morning when she IM'd me to be like, "I woke up with beads in my hair."

Then Wednesday's show was all about etiquette. I totally related to the people with bad manners, particularly this dude, as I can be seen doing this often:

Well, as often as I can. I'm not particularly regular. You know, I have IBS and when I have to go, I have to go. I'm in there for a while, and I'm on the clock, so I figure I may as well just work. I have no good books at the moment anyway.

Oh, and remember earlier this week when we examined Sherri Shepherd's wigs? Things didn't get any better on Thursday:

With Sherri and Whoopi on The View all week now, I'm really missing face time with this one:

I think the Whoopster is a doing a swell job and all, but she's too even-keeled and sensible. And she doesn't have that same quality as B.Dubs, where everything that comes out of her mouth is magical. For example, the word "sperm" suddenly is "spuhhm." And don't even get me started on how she pronounces mermaids.

Speaking of faces, this is what Sean Penn's looks like now:

He was on Oprah discussing a new movie he directed called Into the Wild, the true story of that hippie retard who decides to live in an Alaskan forest with no map or food, and duh, dies of starvation. The hippie retard is played by Emile Hirsch, whom I've been crushing since Lords of Dogtown, but who wasn't looking particularly appealing for this appearance. Also, he was talking about getting spa treatments. What do you guys thing: Gay or Nay?

Ooh, also Jenny McCarthy was on Oprah this week discussing her son's autism. She's really engaging. And while we're on the topic of engaging, I know it's been rumored, but is she engaged to Jim Carrey? That ring is on her left hand:

OK, now back to faces. I'm so happy to look at Tyra's everyday. What I'm not happy about is her vagina arms.

Something tells me that TyTy's armpit vaginas are not an accurate reflection of her operating vagina. So you know what that means: Makeover! And you know what a makeover means: Hair weaves!

I have to say that I'm loving the new weave. Bangs are great for her five head.

I know I already posted a clip of the first episode of the season, but really this needs to be explored a little bit more. If you saw it, then you know that the first thing she did when she got to NYC was share a hot dog with a hot dog vendor. Then she went to get pizza with this guy.

And then he had her make pizza, which she fucked up, so she decided to model the dough.

How much you wanna bet she really wishes accessories were edible? So she also managed to get Derek Jeter (aka the reason for diseasin') and Mayor Bloomberg to make a guest appearance on the show. Dodai and I have been going back and forth on whether or not TyTy has had her nose done. I insisted that she just contours the shit out of her whole face. I think this shot backs me up, because in natural light, the makeup doesn't help out so much.

I seriously think this season will rule my world. Tyra thinks so, too.

OK, so how fucking ugly is the new set? Also, did you notice that the stylist has begun matching all the girls outfits?

It's like they're in the Jackson 5 or Destiny's Child or something. Me thinks Mama Knowles would have made them sexier, though. Or at least given them shirts with longer cleavage.

Also, I'm not liking the return of the wooden table. I miss the future-y glass table of the Rosie days. Aren't Whoopi's dreadlocks organic enough? Also hating the colors of new set. It seriously looks like baby mustard diarrhea. If you've ever changed an infant's diaper, you know what I mean. (I used to babysit back in the day.) I call craps this shade "blondies."

And with that diffused lighting on Babs, you can barely fucking tell she's there. She and Joy totally blended into the background in those outfits.

Also, I know that Sherri Shepherd is expected to take over the final permanent spot on the panel, but how much would it rule if they gave it to this little girl:

Without being mean, I'd like to say that she fills the void that Rosie left. Alright fine, I'll say it: This chick is like the fucking Founder and CEO of the Future Lesbians of Tomorrow club.

So these dudes from Cirque du Soleil were on Oprah. They claimed to be brothers. And by brothers we naturally assume they mean gay lovers. Brothers aren't that "familiar" with each other to stand so close face-to-back, or more accurately, penis-to-ass.

Never before have I seen nipples look more like peanut M&Ms in my life. Neither has Oprah.

The Spanx lady next to her list totally licking her lips because she's hungry for 'em. Now, before I really get into it, I just want to ask one question, and that question is: Why?

OK, we'll probably never know the answer to that one, so let's begin with our first homosexual male sex position. Ladies, I give you The Gaytrix.

The Invisible Reach Around

This is a series of dramatic motions that lead to : The Aerial Spread




This one is known as Cheeks-to-Cheeks

And last but certainly not least, we have To Wong Fu: I Don't Need Your Help, I Got This One On My Own, Thanks Anyway

Oprah couldn't help but mimic what she saw.

Tyra's Sings "Happy Birthday" to a Fan in NY! [Tyra Show]

I know this has been pondered before, but I just wanna double check. This guy is gay, right?

He wears a brooch.

He went NAMBLA for his Oscar date.

He sits like a lady.

He looks an awful lot like this woman, who also is probs gay.

Remember the dyke drama with Eva and Ann on ANTM Cycle 3? In case you forgot, Ann was the sporto bulldyke trapped in the beautiful body of an aspiring model.

I think a major part of her downfall in the competition was the fact that Jay Manuel went out of his way to make her feel like shit at her photoshoots. He's just jealous because he has to work twice as hard to look half as pretty.

Anyway, back to Terrence. We all know how queens hate when they aren't the center of attention. Look at how beautiful his mani is. I'm a square girl, myself. Looks like Terrence is a round girl.

I know another entertainer who opts for round, too.

Sometimes the company a person keeps can be a good indicator of their sexual preference. Look who's in the glass closet together.

This is like the equivalent of an actor sitting with Judy Garland back in the day.

Hey Terrence, how many D's at a time for you?

Oh, word? Me too. Wait, is that a clutch?

Terrence Howard Is Probs Gay [One D]
Earlier: Terrence Howard: Women And Toilet Paper "A Very Serious Subject"

As you know, I love to rock... Kidding! But for real, as you know, I love to watch daytime TV, but I also love to have sex and masturbate. (But who doesn't?) Anyway, since B. Dub is always going on about sex, sex, sex, I thought I'd combine my two fave indoor activities and recommend some sex toys to The View co-hosts based on their personalities. First up, the head honcho:

Barbara Walters

Babs is something of a confirmed bachelorette, as she's thrice divorced and doesn't like when men spend the night after she bangs them. Seeing as how she's a sexually active older woman with a busy career, so she needs a multi-functioning, time-saving device that will work to strengthen her vaginal muscles—which will help her have better orgasms and bladder control—as well as stimulate her G-spot. Might I suggest Betty's Vaginal Barbell, designed by sexologist Betty Dodson?

Joy Behar

So we know that Joy has been living in unwedded bliss with Steve for 25 years, and she said that they still have sex sometimes. Good for you, Joy! Here's a couples vibe. The girl wears it like a jock strap, so it's resting on her vadge while the guy is all up in there with his peen.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Oh, you know I'm gonna have fun with this one. At first I wanted to suggest some big black cock dildos, or this PC trio:

But then I thought that since she doesn't really like the idea of a separation between church and state, she surely wouldn't like the idea of separation between church and sex. So I suggest she replace that stick up her ass with this: A baby Jesus butt plug.

So in honor of only having to wait one more complete menstrual cycle for all-new TyTy, I have 161 lbs of Lady Bunch: Tyra's Greatest Hits, above!

PLUS: After the jump, Tyra makes lists of all her favorite stuff. I at once mock and relate.

OK, so apparently Tyra is like Rob Flemming from Nick Hornsby's High Fidelity. She makes "top five" lists for everything. Except that she doesn't always limit it to five. And sometimes they're not really itemized lists as much as they are a collection of random thoughts that she wrote on Post Its or the backs of rib bibs at the Rack Shack. Spoiler alert! She loves ribs and food plays a large part in these lists. (Disclaimer: These are not a lame Photoshop joke on my part. These graphics actually appear on the "Tyra's Wolrd" portion of her site.)

OK I can kind of see how collection fortunes from fortune cookies could be a hobby if like she had a scrap book where she keeps them all or something. But going to the movies? Concocting new sauces at the dinner table? (BTW, WTF?) I love how the one thing that is legitimately a hobby on the list was only added there as a joke. Lastly, as for #4: I think that over-eating is only considered a hobby if you throw up after. I'm just sayin'.

Here's what I think Tyra's hobbies really are:

1. Getting weaves 2. Giving makeovers 3. Giving makeovers with weaves 4. Putting aspiring models on the spot with inane challenges 5. Blow jobs (just kidding!)

I told you she likes ribs:

OK, so here's where I'm an asshole because 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, and 8 are all my jam. The only difference that I feel no guilt.

And finally:

Before we get started, let's find out the answer to Oprah's "burning question": Where does the poop go after you flush? It ends up here:Are they being ironic with that name? Anyway, the poop gets separated from the toilet paper and tampons and then goes on this conveyor belt. It's a little reminiscent of when Mr. Rogers would show how crayons get made, no?Congratulations are in order for the gals at The View, because they finally stopped talking over each other long enough to hammer out a contract with their new moderator, Whoopi Goldberg. She's OK, but she's no Rosie. She dresses like a lesbian though, so I guess that's a little comforting?Joy reminded us to get the summer '07 mug before they sell out. Collector's item! I'm totally gonna buy it. The day it was announced that Rosie wouldn't be returning, I high tailed it over to ABC.com and bought the spring '07 mug.It's a lovely addition to what's shaping up to be the gayest mug collection.
Speaking of homosexuals, Tyra had these anti-gay kooks back on her show. They'd been on before, but had caused such an uproar on Tyra's message boards that she couldn't resist inviting commenters from her blog to be in the studio audience and face off with these Manson family-esque chicks.Her intentions were clearly more in the interest of ratings rather than open discourse, but that's fine by me. The best part is that they called Tyra a "fag enabler." She was all, "I am not." She so is! Gurl, you know it's true. It's part of the reason we love you.You know who I don't love? This one:But fuck her, let's get back to talking about this one:Her show is moving to New York and I couldn't be any more excited. I already called for tix but they haven't gotten back to me yet. I'm going out of my mind with suspense. Tyra, call me!!!! I'd even take some snail mail, if you think the phone is too intimate.

Okay, before we get started, I just want to bring this up, out of love: What the fuck is going on with Babs' hair lately? It's beginning to look outrageous. I would go so far as to say truly, truly, truly outrageous, but she's not so much Jem as she is Ken from Barbie and the Rockers.

Aside from that wig episode, Oprah was sort of a buzzkill all week long, albeit an educational and somewhat fascinating one. This week she had on Leeza Gibbons, who was plugging her new Lifetime show What Should You Do? that "combines dramatic re-enactments of true stories with tips from experts to help viewers protect themselves and others." Basically, it's a show full of freak accidents and horror stories that will make you want to shit yourself and never leave your house for fear of almost dying in a flash flood. One woman featured on WSYD that Oprah welcomed on her couch told the story of when she was pregnant and fell over the railing from her second floor, landing on a microphone stand that punctured her chest and came out the other side! Her description of it was so gross and is making me cringe as I type this. She said that when she tried to pull the stand out of her chest, it made a suction sound! Ugh, gross. I'm stopping. No more with that.

On to happier chests:
I'd bet dollars to donuts that she's wearing Spanx here. I'd also bet that she'd rather take the donuts over the dollars. JK! JK! I don't even think she's fat. But she looooves talking about how other people do. This week we got to relive that "Kiss my fat ass!" speech. My favorite part of that whole speech was when she smacked her ass and then her weave stuck to her lip gloss and she didn't brush it away. She totally would have gotten on a contestant's bony ass about that on ANTM.
And her Gayken episode reran this week.Like the true nerd face that he is, Clay talked about the numerous allergies he suffers from, like mushrooms, shellfish, chocolate, and...nuts. That's the most creative orientation denial he's come up with yet. Now, on from latent homosexual to blatant homosexual: Ross the Intern!I love him, even though his voice confuses me, and it leads me to think about whether or not his balls ever descended. Babs was in a real mood this week. I felt like she was a bit rude to Ross, and she also got all up in Paula Abdul's over-bleached grill.I do really love, though, how she wasn't buying it that Paula wasn't on at least some sort of medication, which she did eventually get out of her. Also, I love how she tried to imply that Paula wasn't necessarily "with it" while in the dressing room that morning. I would've loved to be a fly on that wall. OK, and one last thing: Can you believe that Paula makes so much money as an accessories designer? She's like half four-year-old girl, gluing gems on her headband, and half 80-year-old lady, who wears all the costume jewelry she owns all at once, for fear that the aids in the home will knick it.

While The View was on hiatus, American opera singer Beverly Sills died. Turns out she was B. Dub's BFF, and Babs was understandably broken up about her passing, so she gave a really touching tribute on Tuesday's show, and wore this ring that Bev gave to her when she retired from 20/20.

I was so moved by the idea of inspirational accessories, that when I went to Atlantic City this week, I stopped in a cheapy jewelry shop on the boardwalk, bought a charm for $7.98 and had something meaningful engraved on it:

In case my camera-phone photography is too beautifully artistic for your eyes to comprehend what you're seeing, it's a heart that says "Doritos." Because Doritos are totally my boyfriend. Blazin' Buffalo Ranch. OK, and WTF is up with Mary Tyler Moore? She's like losing it, right? Something about her statistic that one female dog that's not spayed can produce over "76,000 puppies in a seven-year period" rings incredibly inaccurate. And nice frightening BJ face.

Speaking of frightening BJ faces:

I know I keep talking about Tyra and weaves, but that's only because Tyra keeps talking about Tyra and weaves. For real, her two fave topics are herself and fake hair. To be fair, those are now my two fave topics as well. This week she had on Jennifer Hudson (rerun) and asked her if she reuses expensive hair. (Surprise! Cheapo Tyra does!) And then she had an entire episode of giving Warren Tricomi makeovers to women with "America's Worst Hair." For the ep, TyTy donned some wack-ass wigs, I guess to make us laugh? Ty, you don't have to try that hard with us. We always laugh at you.

OK, moving on from BJ faces, how about some gay faces?

How can anyone refute the idea of there being a gay gene after the Huckabys went on Oprah? There are six children in their family, and four of the brothers turned out gay! Only three of the homo bros (hobros?) showed up for the taping. (What kind of a gay man is the fourth brother that he couldn't cancel his previous plans for Oprah Mother Fucking Winfrey? Answer: The kind of gay man I don't want to know.) And lastly, how can anyone refute the idea of a gay gene when this guy so clearly has gay eyes?

So in case anyone forgot, Oprah has been on the air forever. Especially for this kid:
He's 18 now! It's so crazy that there are legal adults now that can't remember life without Oprah. He was born during her Optifast era, right? She's looking pretty trim in those scrubs.Now, if Tyra Banks had to do a segment like this and wear that outfit, she would've cinched in the waist with a large belt. And when she saw the lady getting the C-section, she probs would've tried to eat her ribs.

But all kidding aside, Tyra does so much more than eat comfort food and then bitch about people calling her fat. For instance, she gives people makeovers (weaves, she gives them all weaves!) to improve their self esteem. She had on some meth-heads who looked like total shit before Tyra sicced her team of doctors and drag queens on them. Actually, I thought it was really nice to give this lady new teeth. Dental work is so expensive. And she's looking sort of OK now, for having been a dirty crystal meth addict before.Then TyTy gave this "tomboy" a makeover.

I almost turned into a tomboy when I saw how hot she looked after this, but then I remembered that I don't like to eat pussy play sports.

Has anyone else noticed that Tyra has hired Topanga to do the kind of field that she doesn't really want to do? Hey, that's a little bit like me with Jezebel. Except whereas Ty sends To on adventures like yard sales, Anna sends me to show my vadge around town. And I do it with the same type of enthusiasm. In fact, this is totally the face I was making when I had my legs in stirrups at the doctors' offices:Thank God Gawker Media pays better than Tyra.
She's so cheap!

This week, daytime TV was stricken with a nasty case of the reruns. Even after I lauded The View for keeping it fresh all summer, B. Dubs went and gave the ladies this week off, leaving no reason for a lot of us to get up before noon. So the only View clip we have for you is from last Friday when Molly Shannon wore a pair of coochie cutters that Babs was apparently keen on. Other clippy goodness includes Tyra all up in Queen Latifah's grill and Oprah's interior designer Nate Berkus, the GILF (gay I'd like to fuck), on the topic of sperm donation and Halle Berry (not to be deposited in any of my orifices, unfortch).

It's gonna be an all-Tyra recap here, since The View was all repeats and because other than the Nate Berkus episode, Oprah was either sad (Bob Woodruff, child slavery) or boring (Faith Hill). The main reason why I'm desperate for new Tyra episodes is because I'm sooooo over her Crypt Keeper weave.

TyTy took an AIDS test on the air, using one of those mouth swab-y things. She seemed quite at home administering the test to herself, as it was a similar movement to one of her favorite pastimes—eatin' ribs!

Then, on a different episode, she kept it AIDS-y by having on Queen Latifah, who was promoting her HBO film about the disease, Life Support. Normally when Tyra has celebrity guests of that caliber, she'll make them walk the runway and show off their outfit, but she knew that Teef is, er, different, so instead they played basketball, which all but shattered the door of the glass closet Latifah's been living in. They may as well just started having oral sex right there.Notice how Tyra throws the ball underhanded, granny-style, while Latifah throws it overhanded, lesbian-style.

Tina Knowles (Beyonce's mom) made a special appearance this week, giving viewers makeovers, which essentially means that she dressed them in House of Deréon and gave them a weave. Did you notice that all of Ty's makeover shows involve giving people weaves? The grossest episode of the week, hands down, was the one where women became seriously ill or disfigured in their quest to become more beautiful. I decided that before these images could be displayed on Jezebel, they'd need a makeover—so I gave them weaves.

Here is a makeover I performed on a woman who received a botched lipo/tummy tuck:

And I added a few tracks for fullness to these legs that developed a bacterial infection from a messy pedicure.Seriously though, you have to hand it to Tyra for being in the presence of those sores and still managing to keep her ribs down. She's so strong.

Related: Quadroon [Wikipedia]

Once a week our friend Slut Machine winnows down the most important programming on television to a delicious two to three minute-long morsel of vagina-themed gold. Behold The Lady Bunch

Thank God for The View, and the crack of B.Dub's whip. She works those ladies to the bone. They're live with new episodes all summer. Meanwhile, it's been reruns for Tyra and Oprah all week. But seriously, it doesn't matter if the eps are new or old because all the shows really only ever discuss the same two topics all the time anyway: food and sex. Don't get me wrong—I'm totally not complaining. I am so on board for any discussions regarding masturbation or a plate of ribs. Or pretty much any thing regarding masturbation or a plate of ribs.

So, let's actually review the ribs thing. We all know Tyra loves her ribs.

Remember when she sucked all the meat off the bone in one swift movement in front of the anorexic church lady Gwen Shamblin? That was awesome and all, but I do think it's weird that she's always trying to eat with her guests, even if the interview isn't about food at all. She force fed ribs to Niki Taylor, and when Molly Sims was on, she brought out some red velvet cake. It's like she won't be satisfied until all models are 161 right there with her.

Oprah served up a plate of food-based episodes, and had a whole hour with her nutritionist Bob Greene. But she also had some big names on her couch this week. She talked molestation with Mary J. Blige, and makeovers with Iman and Naomi Campbell, with whom she rehashed some of her bad hair days. I totally forgot about her Tina Turner wig. I must've suppressed the memory.

Speaking of hair, Jon Bon Jovi was on the view this week.

Wouldn't it have been more fitting had his shirt said this:

As far as guest co-hosts this week, it was the best of times and the worst of times. First off, Star Parker was on. I'm not gonna even go into because she's her own separate post. And Sherri Shepherd was on again. I thought I couldn't hate her anymore than I already did, but then she revealed this week that she's "a spanker"; and she hits her two-year-old son in public. I mean, I don't even like children, and I'm sure that anything Sherri Shepherd popped out would be at least HALF as annoying, but still, hitting babies is wrong. No?

Oprah's BFF Gayle King was on twice this week. I'm no lezzie or anything but I can't help fagging out about her. She's fabulous!

Oh, and while we're on the subject of fagging out:

I'm absolutely offended that he thinks he should be a permanent co-host. The whole thing about The View that makes it awesome is that it's women. Sorry, P. You may be a queen, and you may lack balls, but you're still not qualified for the position.

One of the best Tyra episodes this week was when she interviewed families raising conjoined twins. And even though it was a whole show packed with biological anomalies, the biggest freak of all was Tyra, natch. One of the guests was a Spanish-speaking woman, and although they had a translator on the couch, Tyra insisted on speaking pigeon Spanish to her, going into an elaborate explanation of why she can speak more than one language. Typical Tyra—always turning the interview back on herself.

As for Oprah, well, the woman loves her regulars. You know, first it was Dr. Phil, then Nate Berkus, Dr. Robin Smith, and of course, our favorite shit talker, Dr. Oz.Dr. Oz was on to talk about poop for the third time this year. This time they were discussing color more than shape. Although they did get into the shape issue. Turns out that s-shaped is the best, but comma-shaped crap is cool, too.

Speaking of, I almost made and exclamation-shaped poop in my pants when I saw that Judge Judy was on The View this week.OK, I know this is like incredibly faggy of me, but what I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall of that cruise Babs took with Judy and the New York Post's Cindy Adams. Seriously, and here I was thinking that Rosie's "R Family" was the gayest cruise ship you could go on. Wrong!

The View also did a little summer fashion service-y segment of cheap shoes.
I know that they meant "inexpensive" shoes, but "cheap: certainly works a lot better. Check out the latest innovation in footwear: Church key soles. Am I the only one grossed out by the concept of taking the bottom of my shoe to the mouth of my bottle? This one is even more bizarre:I know that this is supposed to function so that you don't have to carry around a wallet or a purse with you, but for real, think about the situations in which one would need a single key, a rolled up dollar bill and a credit card/form of I.D. That shoe is one baggie and syringe away from being the awesomest, police-eluding drug kit.

It's a Barbara-heavy clip show this week, because I feel like we should cherish every second we have with her, since she could be leaving us any week now. I don't mean that she's gonna die (although she is knocking on 80), it's just that they might sign a new co-host to The View soon, and then we'll be back to only being graced with Barbara's presence, and her pervy mind, one or two days a week.

Oprah was pretty awesome this week. She had a show about tolerance, on which she interviewed a former Nazi skinhead and his new friend, a homosexual whom he'd beaten up 26 years earlier. She also featured some star-studded interviews with Bono, author Cormac McCarthy, and Michael Moore, who btw, is turning into a butch lesbian.

Nora Ephron, Geena Davis and Diahann Carroll were on the couch discussing how nice, but ultimately shitty aging is. But if I look like Diahann Carroll when I'm 71, I don't think I'd be all that bothered by the process.
Seriously! 71! Can you believe that? Black don't crack, for real.

Speaking of crack...
I'm having major withdrawal issues with no new Tyra episodes. The reruns are functioning as my methadone right now. Check out the clip we posted about the rerun this week where Tyra interviews a lady with a smelly crotch disease that keeps her trapped in her home.

It seems like Kathy Griffin is the front runner for this co-hosting gig on The View. She's been on four times in the last month—three of which have been in the last two weeks since Ro left. I could live with her as a replacement. Her interactions with Babs are terrific and she seems to make Elisabeth incredibly uncomfortable, which is a plus.

Sherri Shepherd guest co-hosted again this week, and holy crap, I hate her so. I've talked about it before.

She started running her mouth off about God and stuff, which is fine, whatevs, but then she started getting into the whole Creationism thing. I am completely baffled by people who refuse to believe in evolution, and dismiss all irrefutable scientific facts. Sherri said, "I absolutely do not believe that we came from primates." Like she was offended by the idea. She seems to think that Darwin implies that a monkey pushed a human out of its vagina one day, and that's how we came to be. Idiot!

Babs laid into her with that. She asked Sherri if she ever read Darwin or if she understands the theory of evolution. Of course Sherri said no. And then Babs was like, "Well, you ought to educate yourself and read the texts because you have a child now, so you should know these things." LOVE HER!

I'm gutted over the fact that Rosie O'Donnell left The View. Besides the fact that I actually enjoyed the perspective provided by "big, fat, loud, lesbian Rosie", I'm pissed that her absence has effed up the Lady Bunch graphic I made. Who the hell am I gonna put in that spot now?

On the plus side, Rosie's early departure meant that Barbara Walters was forced to actually show up to work everyday, instead of adhering to her previous part-time duties on the show. The results were magical, as they involved Barbara giving people the third-degree about their sex lives.

Monday's show, during which they celebrated Elisabeth Hasselbeck's 30th birthday, was actually pre-taped (probs from about two weeks ago), so she and Ro were still friends. They even hugged. Ah! Elisabeth is totally gay now!

Then the other ladies began talking about what their lives were like when they turned 30, and View producers showed a picture of Joy Behar at that age.
Is it just me or did Joy look great? Cute! Crap, now I'm gay.

As for Tyra, she was in reruns all week . Her recycled episodes involved making people's dreams come true (the dream, apparently, being Tyra herself) and soap operas, which involved her acting out scenes with stars from her favorite shows. It wasn't really clear why she did this but hell, we're not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. It was comedic gold.

And thank God Oprah was back on the sauce this week. It helped get us through all the serious episodes she featured, like children in crisis, some lady who got shot in the head, and SuChin Pak's Asian eye dysmorphia. And Oprah also invented her own cocktail. Guess what it has in it? Tequila! (You can find the recipe here.) Make one for yourself today and then go watch today's episode... it's all about drunk driving!

This week's Lady Bunch clip is an all-Tyra edition because, well, she's earned it. Seriously, her personality, much like her belts, seems to get bigger and bigger with each passing week. And that belt remark wasn't a jab at her weight. She's been really into this large belt trend, to the point where I think she'll eventually only feel the need to wear a weave, some Spanx and her waist cincher. Check out the progression:

Unfortunately, Oprah wasn't as mindlessly fun as her protege/wannabe Tyra. Last week, O was drunk, so this week was sort of like the hangover. The episode focused on much graver topics like domestic abuse, dieting, and depression.

Dr. Melfi was on to share her story of depression. Apparently, it was sparked by her divorce, over a decade ago, from Harvey Keitel, whom she cheated on with Edward James Olmos. She subsequently entered into an acrimonious custody battle with Harvs, racking up legal fees that caused her to file for bankruptcy. My question is whether her depression started before or after she took up with Olmos. You've seen what he looks like, right? I'm wondering if she lost her self-esteem somewhere within the crevices of his pock marks. And Harvey Keitel is no Adonis either. Whatever the case, she's no longer with either man, and she's no longer depressed. I'm just sayin'.

But the biggest daytime talk show news this week came from The View, per usual. Everyone was caught up in the tension between "big, fat, lesbian, loud Rosie" and "pure, innocent, Christian Elisabeth" but I was more interested in how insipid and annoying guest co-host Sherri Shepherd was.

Before the big fight began, Sherri started off the hour by explaining how the last time she was a guest co-host on The View, she and her husband were in the middle of a divorce, because he'd cheated on her and gotten some other chick preggers. But now they're totally back on and she loves being a stepmom to her husband's illegitimate new baby. OK, so that was the first sign that she's a fool.

Then, after the political discussion began, she kept cutting in and saying stuff like, "This is why I'd rather just watch Dancing With the Stars." Once the fight was in full swing, palpable tension and all, Sherri tried to cut off the whole thing by grabbing Rosie's hand and saying, "OK, we'll be right back with Alicia Silverstone." It became clear that this woman hates any confrontation, or anything that's not downright fluffy, so it's no wonder why she's took her husband and his love child back.

But yeah, everyone was all up in arms about the Rosie vs. Elisabeth fight that began because Elisabeth believes that Iraq is our enemy. However, she believes that her rack is our friend. Look at those puppies on display:

On one hand I'm like, wow, she's sort of well spoken, insisting that she relies on "facts" to dictate her belief system—maybe she is kinda smart. But then I was like, wait, she believes in Creationism, nevermind.

Once a week, our friend Slut Machine presents her take on the week's girlie gabfests. On the docket for today: Oprah loves the booze, Tyra kicks up her heels over sex, and Rosie wonders what happened to all the feminists. Oh, and as advertised, poop makes a minor appearance. (In words, not pictures, people!) Click play to experience the insanity through another's eyes.

Sex! Booze! Feminism! Poop! These were the main topics this week that weren't just touched upon—they were groped, fondled and fingered by Oprah, Tyra, Babs and the Gang. God, I love daytime TV. But not as much as Tyra Banks loves porno. She had two shows dedicated to porn this week.

For a lady who says she's anti-pornography, Tyra loves regularly chatting it up with members of the sex industry. And while we're on the subject: How bullshit is her " don't agree with what you do" stance? Back in the day—before 161—I seem to remember Tyra having a very lucrative career posing wet and sandy on the beach in a thong, and using those tig ol' bitties to sell sheer bras. I'd bet that her "classy" sexy modeling in Sports Illustrated swimsuit editions and Victoria's Secret catalogs probably had a lot more sticky pages than those of hardcore mags with"raunchy" poses.

Bless her heart, though, as it's in the right place. Everything she does, misguided or not, is done in the name of empowering women, which actually used to be known as "feminism" for a while. The ladies on The View are old enough to remember it—and they dragged it through the mud this week. Rosie talked about how feminism was pretty much dead as a movement, and Barbara Walters told her that was because, as women, we are no longer maligned and we have won the battle. (Wait—we've achieved equality? I didn't get that memo. Yay?) And then guest co-host Kathy Griffin blamed the failures of feminism for letting Paris Hilton get so famous. I don't know, I think society as a whole needs to take the rap for that one.

Thankfully, Oprah kept it light this week—because she was drunk. That woman loves her tequila. Who knew? (Gayle did, I bet.) O threw a party with her neighbors, relaxed at a spa, danced with John Travolta, and talked about poop shapes and penis size with Dr. Oz. Suddenly, middle age seems like it might be kinda awesome.

The Oprah Winfrey Show
The View
The Tyra Banks Show
Related: One D At A Time