Jezebel
This is Michael Karolchyk. He owns a gym in Denver that is somewhat atypical. It has numerous slogans, from "Too chubby; Never find a hubby," to "Have Sex With The Lights On" to "Save The Chubbitos" to "No Chubbies." It also has numerous amenities, including "live DJs, cage dancers, and our elite co-ed Ravish Room." The Ravish Room turns out to be a sauna that admits only members who have reached a sufficiently low body mass index, but you also have to be screened to so much as join his gym, where motivational techniques include having cupcakes hurled at you on the treadmill, through a questionnaire filled with queries like "Would you rather have your ideal body or an extra $50,000 a year?" and it's called the Anti-Gym, maybe because he sees himself as a sort of Antichrist, though he also sees himself as a sort of vital American prophet, as you can witness on this clip where he tells the Mike & Juliet Show about watching footage of the Newark race riots and having the epiphany that America had gotten fat in the intervening years as white Americans like himself moved out of cities and into suburban enclaves like Denver, where by the way his gym is located on a street called "Columbine."
Anyway, so yes, to answer your question, he is one of those people who we should probably be ignoring, especially in the midst of a writer's strike, because he's one of those people who conducts his life like the host of a reality show and we all know where that leads, but I am a mere human and I know better than to question the inexorable onward thrust of the country's obsession with its weight. And all of us, at some point in our lives, have known a Michael Karolchyk, one of those chubby kids who maybe blamed it on his fat mother — which is why he is now championing legislation that will criminalize feeding kids junk food despite his supposed anti-big government bent? — and to make matters worse, got dissed by a girl in high school who let herself go a little bit after graduation while he got leaner and meaner and suddenly he thinks he's some sort of Highly Effective Person. And while I'm not a big believer in "tough love," since hating yourself for being fat is usually the quickest route to staying fat, I think the Michael Karolchyks of this world need a bit of it, so here I go:
The only sort of person who would trade the body of their dreams over an extra $50,000 a year is probably, like yourself, so mentally and emotionally disturbed that the body of their dreams would look, well, like yours, or the female equivalent. Which is to say pumped full of anger and protein shakes and pent-up suburban angst and addicted to the sort of mindless, pointless activities you're too dumb to realize are actually a pitch-perfect microcosm for the cliched suburban human condition that made everyone so fat and mad in the first place.
Also you have classic fat-guy music taste.
Comments
Ah, that last paragraph full of such succulent prose... Moe, you turn me on.
his supposed anti-big government bent? -
OF COURSE he's got one of those.
In other news, he's probably got a dick the size of a 8 year old boy's pinky.
Awww, he just has a small pee-pee.
He had an epiphany that Americans got fat because they moved to the suburbs?
I don't know what issue of Kids Discovery he read that in, but I'm pretty sure the theory of urban sprawl was not a result of his watching any riot.
@SinisterRouge: Jinx-o-rama!
Sing it, sister. Moe, I have a girl crush on you.
I had my "ideal body" once. I went through a soul-crushing breakup and lost 25 pounds in about five weeks. I was a hollow-eyed picture of despair and woe but guess what? I could wear size 2 again!
Next time, I'll take the $50K. Kthxbai.
@lfw1031: You know, that's actually a pretty sexist thing to say. It's the equivalent of guys saying "god, what a dyke" when presented with girls they don't like, or who don't like them.
Just food for thought.
I'm assuming these answers do not get you admitted into the gym:
"With $50,000 I could afford lipo every year!"
"I already have my ideal body. He's chained to my bed."
testify, moe! besides, it reminds me why i don't let my "chubby" wallet anywhere this fathead.
@lfw1031: What a fucking tool, yes? And the people that fall for it are even dumber, bigger tools with smaller dicks.
@Pope John Peeps II: and just fyi: when your thighs are THAT pumped up, it all looks smaller, baby.
@Pope John Peeps II: I see your point, but homeboy must be making up for something.
As a new resident of Denver I was completely gobsmacked to see El Chubs' commercials and asked a couple of people who've lived here awhile to explain.
The general consensus is, "Yeah, I'd try it, but I'm already on a 2-year contract to 24-Hour Fitness and took a second job to pay for my Pilates."
@Pope John Peeps II: i think so too, i wish it wasn't said so much, but at the same time i wish people wouldn't be so f-ing misogynist to make me feel like this is the only retaliation that they fear.
"Anti-Gym does not do diets. Diets involve eating food that tastes like the cardboard box it came in, followed by temporary weight loss that you gain right back after binging on a dozen cupcakes. Instead, we make healthy eating a lifetime behavior, supported by personalized meal plans that are easy to follow since they include plenty of carbs and calories and don't exclude the things you love.
Anti-Gym teams with Denver's best restaurants and bars to develop healthy menus and cocktails that let you stick to your meal plan and give you a chance to get out and show off that new body. We also offer sublime on-site juice bars and easy take-home entrees that are calorie calibrated for both male/female portions and include favorites like pizza, steak, and even pot pies. We know you don't actually like tofu.
And since none of us are perfect angels, Anti-Gym is the only organization in history that does not discourage alcohol and marijuana use as part of a healthy lifestyle."
While I find him generally offensive, I can definitely get behind this.
@Pope John Peeps II: Not really. It's the fact that he's so obsessed with muscles and the perfect body that makes him so worthy of probable small-peen disease. Many a guy I have known that are into muscles are into their small weens.
@SinisterRouge: @lfw1031: I don't doubt it. Most guys these days know that steroids are ball shrinkers (and look at Mr. Wonderful there, don't tell me that's all protein and lifting there). So I assume overly muscled hulks don't have enough of a dick to give a rat's ass about. Hey, I'm 20 pounds overweight and am struggling with it, but these fat HATING men nauseate me. I was in my gym once and one of the trainers was looking at a video of Marilyn Monroe and said, "god, how gross. She's SO fat.". I told him he only liked skinny women because they made his dick look bigger in comparison.
I'm a chubster and I ALWAYS. ALWAYS. have sex with the lights on. I just don't hate my body. Sorry dude!
Didn't they already make a movie about this guy? Yes, I believe Michael was played by Ben Stiller in the movie "Dodgeball." I bet the real Michael also masturbates with slices of peperoni pizza...
Was this the gym where they trained the guys for 300? It was some psycho out in one of those mountain states from what I recall. My gym-obsessed friend sent me an article about it, and she totally wanted to join the gym, but I don't think her fragile self-esteem (or income) could handle this.
This guy is such a douche! his website is full of ridiculous male fantasies and non female empowering images. hes disgusting.
@Pope John Peeps II: Well, it may be based in experience. Really. Take it from us. AS in, he's so insecure about his size that he hates any wholesome abundance of flesh.See my post above. Really, I hate the way women say "dickless" like guys say "cunt", but faced with a nasty like this dude..
@SinisterRouge: uh huh, with you. can't vouch for the correlation, but a scrawny law school kid i dated was PACKING. colour me (pleasantly) surprised!
gotta love that pumped-up guys like these present themselves as the ultimate in male physique. in reality they've got all that fake muscle that a person who actually does do physical work would never develop. these guys develop muscle that's good for just one thing: lifting more weight at the gym.
love the slogan "have sex with the lights on." yeah, so he can look at his incredible body in the mirror while he's performing in the bedroom.
@SarahHeartburn: My friend's husband is a muscle-bound monkey dope. He cannot physically hold his hands behind his back because his arm muscles are that large. GROSS. And he's got a little dick and can fuck for about 5 minutes. S o yeah. Little dick.
@msAnthrope: Exactly. No real,working physically fit man would look like that. They look much much more LEAN and not so bubbly and round.
the last paragraph made me want to rub my nipples. You go, moe!
@lfw1031:
yeah... doesn't steroid usage cause testicle shrinkage?
@Pope John Peeps II: Point taken...but in that regard, almost anything negative that's said about this guy could be taken as sexist or demeaning toward body-builders in general ("he's got a small hat-size", etc). So, I'll stand by my original comment: I think he's got a small penis.
If he would like to retaliate and call me a "chub" or a "dyke", I completely understand as I've opened the door.
So long as he doesn't call me flat-chested...
@SarahHeartburn: Ha. I get it, but you can't really say things like "well, I HATE this... but I'm still gonna do it". That's like saying "Geez. I usually don't call women frigid dyke bitches, BUT....".
I don't really care myself, but it's what men are told is the center of their manhood since pretty early in childhood. It's pretty hard to get rid of that sort of socialization. Attacking men based on principles of perceived sexual stereotypes and gender bias is just buying into the system.
@SarahHeartburn: See, there's a difference between "dickless" & "cunt," though.
In the case of "dickless" you're insulting a guy for supposedly NOT having male genitalia. The idea is that male genitalia is good.
In the case of "cunt" you're insulting a girl for HAVING female genitalia. The idea is that female genitalia is bad.
He claims he can make fun of fat people because he's bald. What kind of muscle-head logic is that? Oh here's a gem, the "Ravish Room" is only available to women with 16% or less bodyfat which falls in the "unhealthy" catagory according to most medical journals.
yea, screw these guys who only use their muscles for working out. i'm way more into the guys who get it from hard work. at least they'll offer to help you move apartments.
@SarahMC: Yeah. But it's still dumb.
@SarahMC: Isn't the new insult du jour to have a big vagina? The myth that people stretch it out and it becomes useless for sex? Is this the same to ladies as "small dicked" is to guys?
I guess it's a form of sexual equality. Now men and women are being judged based on their usefulness in the sack and not on their gender...???>
Uh. A woot for progress? Maybe? I guess? I dunno. I'm out of my depth here.
@rosie7: And honestly? Those guys usually have no stamina. They can't run and they run out of breath easy. Because they build muscle and do not actually build their body as a whole.
@Pope John Peeps II: Okay, I was wrong. But but this shit is so all over the place, he's past forgiveness. He's a total psycho. Rating women like that. In comparison,the comment from that guy Gawker roasted because his Facebook contact didn't have a full body picture is mild. Bleh. Sentence fragments. But really, what a grim view of women, and life in general.
@Pope John Peeps II: Oh honey we're nowhere near gender equality; a couple dick jokes won't hurt y'all. You deserve it.
But yeah; I guess big vagina jokes are getting popular, even though it's a myth that vaginas stretch.
@Jerseylicious: Is that true? I thought Butler at least was working out in LA and then Canada when they shot the movie--although, my movie facts sometimes converge and I may be off on that.
If you have a link to that article, I would love to read it.
On this scary man with the bloated body: It's hard for me to take anyone like this seriously. He's like a male Susan Powter. I don't know what psychosis causes people to take this stuff to such extremes and then project how superior they are onto anyone they see as inferior. This behavior always revolves around sex and sexuality and therefore, I think any digs about how they lack prowess is certainly being begged for.
I was surrounded by this type growing up, can spot one in a New York minute and have nothing to do with them as they are hollow cavities of humaness.
I really, really, really, really hate that bulky, super-muscley, too-much-time-at-the-gym look. I do not find it appealing at all. Aside from the fact that I don't like how it looks, I've never wanted to date a guy that looked like that because, obviously, he would have to spend so much time at the gym, I would never get to see him anyway.
@SarahHeartburn: If he's a woman hater he deserves to be knocked down a few pegs, even if it takes cock jokes.
@SarahHeartburn: Yah. This dude's a piece of shit, and should be made fun of for his utterly retarded view of the world.
Also, he probably DOES have tiny, grape-sized balls in the actual, empirical sense. Steroids are naaasty.
@gra: I agree. That look is so unappealing and fake looking. Like cuddling would feel like lying on a bed of rocks.
@Pope John Peeps II: Can I go back to yesterday's biggest subject and say "Aw, poor guy. He must be really bad at oral sex." ??
Can anyone explain to me what having cupcakes hurled at you on the treadmill is supposed to do? Because I think it would probably motivate me to get OFF the treadmill and yell at the thrower to clean up the mess...but then, I'm a stepmother to five kids.
If somebody threw cupcakes at me while I was on the treadmill, I'd probably break my neck trying to catch them.
Oh, and I love that he identifies himself as a member of Oprah's Book Club. Yeesh.