Jezebel
Our last Crap Email From A Dude is a pretty good exhibit for why we don't put up with guys like the writer of this one. Well........that and the punctuation!!!!! In all seriousness, why is it all dudes who aren't gratuitously realpolitik about sex and relationships, are complete untrammeled desperate messes who act as if your love devotion is their unalienable right? Anyway, Pete met Diana on the internet, dated her for a few weeks, and she blew him off. Wonder why??? You won't after the jump!!!!! The best part is, Diana did not send this to us; Pete sent it to a friend to screen first, and it eventually made its way here! Because Pete had already shared it with his shrink, and she thought it was just Great! (Ha ha, great for keeping him in therapy for the rest of his life!!) (And that, friends, may be where the Scientologists have a point!!!)
Diana
I want you to understand how sorry I am for that comment I made about the gum and compared to how much I love you....it is like a grain of sand on an entire beach!!!
Baby.......I really miss you bad!!!! I find myself rolling around in bed every night wondering....if you feel the same??? I love you, I want us to be able to have children together, you are the best lover I have ever been with. All of the things that I said about you were real and are still real. When ....you said loved me? When you said...you wanted to have my children??? When you said..it was the best lovemaking in your life??? Were those real for you too? But to be honest all of those things are the passionate things that we shared..... I truly believe that there is way more than that!!! I think that we share way more than you give us credit for......I think that we both share the desire to have one connected long term relationship with someone we feel will be the best thing for both of us.....a real partner, someone who compliments, shares feelings ( good or bad), someone who is open minded, not rigid, someone who loves children, wants a family, wants to have a full enriched life. Diana I really think that we connect on all of these things and that there are some things that we need to work out so that we can have a fabulous relationship, maybe even something long term! I really find it hard to understand why you just want absolutely nothing to do with me after basically being connected at the hip for seven weeks straight!!?? If there really is something about me that you dislike that are afraid of hurting me if you tell me....PLEASE....tell me now...weather we ever get back together or not......so maybe I can fix it!! That's the thing Dionna that I am willing to do....I am willing to work on my faults....in an attempt to fix them so that I can have a ...happy ....loving...nurturing...lasting relationship!!!
We never did got the chance to even spend one whole day together...just discovering each other...learning.....about what makes each other tick...
I am trying to understand the reasons why you pushed away, or have lost the "feeling for me".
I really want to understand, even if you do not give me a second chance, so that I can understand myself better, and make these changes.
I've been soul searching, trying to understand what my mistakes may have been, so that I can correct them.
Here are the things that I have been able to come up with that may have caused you to pull back.
Sports, yes I like the Missouri Tigers, and I like watching the games, but Diana, I want to be perfectly clear, if the choice was, being with you or missing a basketball game....the choice would be you every time.
The looks I make, that you preceive as me thinking that you are stupid. I respect everything that you do, in the work arena, I respect your drive, I respect your intelligence, I respect your initiative to work on the flash cards, I respect the amount of time that you dedicate to your work. The looks that you have seen are not about me thinking that you are stupid.
Diana, I need you to understand that I think that you are a beautiful person inside and out...I love your eyes...I love your smile....I love your hips....You knew that....:> I just love you baby, and want to be with you...
I hope that you can find a place in your heart to give "US" a chance......
email me...call me.....I miss my baby!!!!!
Yours always!
Pete
Comments
Wow, he has all the writing skills of a 14 year old kid who is really into anime.
I fucking hate it when people say "work arena." Like what the fuck? Is their job to be a gladiator?
We need more information about the gum and the sand. I'm really baffled. I mean...I am so...baffled!!!!! Diana!!!!
We should send this guy...to the Iraq!!! For the children...and such!!!
Baby!!!
Holy crap. My eyes burn and my fingers itch with wanting to take a red pen to this shit. Who was his composition prof, and can I kill them?
Fucking lengthy. Jesus.
Also? It's so, so tragic when lovers who can't write for shit try real hard anyway, because they are so utterly bereft at being left.
Yes, I rhymed that on purpose. So?
@heathermylove: Ooh, speaking of, I heard from a pal in the know that American Gladiators is coming back. No shit.
I hearted Laser, and Ice was one badass woman...
PS. Both my GF and I were lamenting, last night, at how fantastical I am at purging all forms of communication from exes. Because, boy, have I had some truly amazing crap emails.
@Skinny Bone Jones: Same here. I throw them all away, which is a shame. I definitely could have made a significant contribution to Crap Email From a Dude.
Pete,
You CAN "have one connected long term relationship with someone [you] feel will be the best thing for" you . . . . your shrink. Might I strongly suggest . . . . that you call him/her NOW.
I am going . . . . to go consult my attorney now . . . . about a restraining order.
Leave . . . . . me alone.
Diana/Dionna/Whatever my name is
@petuniacat: Ah, ladies, this is why librarians like myself never throw ANYthing away...posterity, and all.
Who!!! are the...Missouri Tigers???
I like how they were "connected at the hip" but never "did got the chance" to spend more than a day together. Seven weeks of this would be eight weeks too many for me.
I got really excited for a minute, thinking that this was my ex, playing the fool, yet again. But then I remembered he barely understands email and the internet and realized he wouldn't know how to forward something to a friend to have it end up here. Bummer.
nope, can't even read it straight through... is he like 15? I know that younger kids feel that !! and ?? is strangely apt. maybe they are ahead of their times?
Why does Diana/Dionna need flash cards for her work??!??!
Wait, there were looks he gave that implied SHE was stupid? Was she aware of his obsession with ellipses when she interpreted these looks?
@AmazonRedheadedUberVixen: LOLZ at him apparently not knowing her fucking name. Wonder why she's over it, hmm. (.......??????)
If, after seven weeks of dating, you don't know how to spell your girlfriend's name, you deserve to be dumped.
Plus, what the fuck is up with his obsession with having children with her? He talks about that more than he does about wanting to be with her.
It's like he looks at her as breeding stock.
Almost like he's gay but wanting to have kids as a rock solid beard.
He looks at her like she's stupid, but says he doesn't, but he obviously does or he would not have offered that up as one of the problems, right? Doesn't know her name. But he'd know those hips anywhere...!!! She has flash cards, and he says PREceive. Jesus. Seining the slime at the bottom of the gene pool here. (Unless she makes flash cards for little kids she teaches or something, then I take it back. About her.)...!!!...!!!
@warmaiden: totally true! and if you can't wait for it to return, you can watch the old shows on ESPN classic (who knew i'd be so grateful to have that channel!).
Place your bets on she of the Diana-type name having "childbearing hips". OK, I'm gonna quit commenting. Carry on.
So if the looks he wasn't making should "be preceived" as thinking she's stupid, what was he thinking about? Or did he have to do a nervous poo?
@AmazonRedheadedUberVixen: fuck, thats funny.
1) I could not read - head almost exploded. I really tried, too. I'm just not in that place anymore where I can decipher the undecipherable.
2) Just to throw it out there, on a random aside, how many times is too many to hook up with your f*** buddy during a given week? Random 2 hr conversation I just had with a friend during a very long lunch. I say no more than once a week.
When a man uses the word "lovemaking" non-ironically, it's Crap Email all the way!
@ae38: depends on the type of fbuddy. If it's a drunken fbuddy and you're on a weekend bender, twice is ok. I think one time a week if it's all sober sex, though. Otherwise you might be dating.
@rocknrollunicorn: Thank you!! That's exactly what I said!
[/Feeling vindicated]
ellipses are not for amateurs!(!!!!!!!!!!)
Wow, I am seriously underestimating those guys in emo bands - I mean, in between making douchey clothing lines and opening douchey hipster bars, Pete Wentz _still_ has time to write heartfelt douchey emails, too! Way to multi-task, Pete!
Damn, my mom was right - using exclamation points really _is_ contagious.
If they met on the Internet, then she knew about the punctuation before they went out. In the words of Judge Judy the Wise, "YOU PICKED HIM, MADAM."
...I hope that doesn't count as blaming the victim.
@warmaiden: I know. I am so excited. I always have dreamed of pummeling jerks with gigantic q-tips.
On behalf of Mizzou alumni everywhere, I'd just like to apologize for this idiot. I swear he was like that before he got to college.
"I respect your initiative to work on the flash cards." The word "initiative" troubles me!!! Could you help Dyannah???
@JazzSquare: University of Missouri at Columbia. AKA Mizzou. I certainly hope his writing skills aren't the product of their journalism department, which is one of the best in the nation.
weather?...oh boy!
I can't read this without hearing it in Valley Girl uptalk.
"Okay, so like, when ....you said loved me? When you were all like "oh my Gawd Pete I totally want to, like, have your children"??? When you were like... it was like the most awesomest lovemaking in your life??? Were those, like, real for you too and stuff??" *snaps gum*
@ae38: As long as I only get it from the boyfriend once a week YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HOOK UP WITH YOUR FUCKBUDDY MORE THAN THAT. Kthx. There ought to be some benefits attached to drinking with his friends and meeting the parents and regular bootay is one of them.
P.S. Seven weeks?! BAHAHAHAHA
@Anchor McHottieMan: Thank you! Now I am wondering if I ever had any classes with this douche.
Anyone else.... read... this.. and feel like... it was written by.... william.. shatner???? BAAAABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It didn't work because it's Diana, not Dionna Bitch!!
Lord I love me some crazy Tomasina Cruz!
@sheistolerable: oh dear. i think I'm dating.
Shee-yit.
Oh my god, I am 80% sure I dated the same guy. I mean, the emails were eerily similar.
@sheistolerable: I agree with you. I only get to fuck my real-life actual-relationship boyfriend about once a week (twice if I'm lucky)
fbuddies should be limited to once a month... maybe twice.
And he needs to leave directly afterwards. No sleeping over.
Otherwise, srsly, dudes will get emotional. Trust me. They will start to think you really love them you are just "scared of committment".
I don't trust dudes who refer to sex as "lovemaking."
Peut-etre English is not his primary language, non?
Who's talking about kids after a couple weeks? Weirder still, who's the girl who's apparently egging on this creepo?
I want to beat him with a grammar book, 'weather' or not he likes it. Extra loathing points for "gratuitous" "misuse" of "quotes".