So dating blogger Alyssa Shelasky — catch up on how she dangled those participles all the way into our hearts here — finally comes clean about why shitty she dumped the product abusing jam band listening "honest" "innocent," "loving" banker she once called "The One" the Observer. (Pictured above, drowning his sorrows for the legions on MySpace). And the answer is: she met a man who listened to Sting.

Then someone — who I barely knew, but somehow trusted (to put his tongue to her snatch, we presume?} — slapped me across the face emotionally. If you love him, you have to let him go. He said it over and over and over. (As he probed his way to a slow, shoulder-shuddering climax.) (We presume.)If you love him, you have to let him go.

Ok, so, she either met Sting and she is misquoting him, or she met a dude who got away with paraphrasing Sting, but either way, Alyssa, we understand. In high school we totally made out with some dude who liked The Cure, until we got finger banged by some other dude who liked Portishead (don't judge! it was 1996!), until we finally gave away the big V to a Wu-Tang fan...and....learned to get our own taste!

But baby, we feel bad about how bad you felt. I mean, if you truly were engaged to a "banker" who was both "honest" and "innocent", he wasn't very good at banking.

When the Relation-ship has sailed [Glamour]