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Mitt Romney's unleashed some pretty tough anti-birth control talk this campaign season. He's stated repeatedly that he believes that life begins at conception, and that the morning after pill is murder. Interestingly enough, Mitt Romney's gigantic stock portfolio contains a fair amount of money actually invested in companies that manufacture birth control and the morning after pill. I suppose now's as good a time as ever to thank Mitt Romney investing in the technology that has enabled me to have so much premarital sex. More »
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Rick Santorum came out on top in Minnesota, Missouri, and Colorado's primary contests last night. If you ask Rick Santorum, this means that it's time to start carving out a Rick Santorum-shaped ass groove in the Oval Office's desk chair. But if you ask anyone who isn't Rick Santorum or a cable news analyst, this resulted in zero delegates and means nothing. So, is Rick Santorum's new surge hilarious? Or is it terrifying? Or do we need an entirely new word to describe it? Hillarifying? More »
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Fresh off a victory in Florida's GOP primary, Presidential Candidate Mittens Mittlesworth Romney has set his sights on the juicy middle parts of the country. But what he didn't count on was the surprising glitterwarlike nature of Minnesotans, who subjected the candidate to two glitterbombs at a single campaign event today. More »
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Former Senator Rick Santorum cancelled his Presidential campaign stops in Florida yesterday after his 3-year-old daughter Bella was hospitalized with pneumonia. Now, he's saying that he may return to the campaign trail after Bella's prognosis suddenly started looking more positive. She may even be able to check out of the hospital within the next few days. More »
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ORLANDO, FL - JANUARY 28: Republican presidential candidate, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich (R-GA) (R) speaks during the Orange County Lincoln Day Dinner with his wife Callista Gingrich January 28, 2012 in Orlando, Florida. Gingrich and fellow candidate, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney are furiously campaigning across Florida before next Tuesday's GOP primary. Gingrich predicted Saturday, 'If we win Florida, I will be the nominee.' (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images) More »
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Even though Ron Paul's racist newsletters were published with Ron Paul's name on them and written in the first person, and even though Ron Paul has been filmed discussing his newsletters (which were terribly racist, anti-Semitic, and weird) in an interview, the GOP Presidential hopeful has disavowed knowledge of the its contents. But now, former employees are claiming that he was perfectly fine with what the newsletters said... and not for the reasons you might think. More »
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Hey, everybody, have you heard the good news? If Newt Gingrich is elected president, we can all go live on the moon! Cool…wait, what? Yep, here's what the man said earlier today: More »
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Sarah Palin, Mean Queen of the Snow Machine, has a bone to pick with New Jersey's condescending prick of a governor Chris Christie. Namely, Christie called GOP hopeful Newt Gingrich an "embarrassment" to the Republican Party's principles on a weekend talk show, and that bothered Palin so much that she felt compelled to talk to it on Fox News. Palin? Gingrich? Christie? Fox News? Team nobody! More »
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Monday marks the first full day of the 40th year of Roe v. Wade, but the 53rd year, 8th month, and 14th day that Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has existed on this planet without a uterus of his very own. With a public empathetic to poor Rick's plight, advanced medical science, and your generosity, we will turn the tide for Rick and give him the uterus he so desperately wants. More »
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Political celebutante Meghan McCain is still around, serving as the Official Poster Child for Young Republicans and trying to paint herself as a cool conservative who isn't into all that icky hateful stuff young people find abhorrent. But as hard as she tries to sit at the cool kids' table, her act still comes across less like a fresh take on issues of the day and more like a substanceless ad campaign; at best, an attempt to establish a brand rather than offer any valuable commentary or insight, at worst, deliberately misleading Republican party marketing. Whatever you're selling, McCain, I ain't buying. More »
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After recounting the votes in the Iowa caucuses, a bombshell from The Hawkeye State: the winner of the first contest of the primary season wasn't actually Mitt Romney, but Pennsylvania shitstain Rick Santorum. And thanks to the pervasive neologism of Santorum's name, every single headline about it is disgusting. More »
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Texas governor Rick Perry has announced that he will end his campaign for President and throw his tepid support behind a guy whose wife brushes his hair. More »
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At Monday's 352nd Republican presidential debate, the remaining candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination tackled the tough issues, like whether or not felons should be allowed to vote and what in the sam hill is going on with black people being poor all the time. As they veered between treating moderator Juan Williams like he was an acceptable substitute for the ire they'd like to direct at President Obama and talking like a civics paper written by a drunk guy who only watches Fox News, I started thinking: For being a bunch of rich white folk, Republican politicians sure do say a lot of shit about black people. More »
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So far Sarah Palin has yet to cast her lot behind any of the Republican primary candidates and issue an endorsement, but yesterday while appearing on Fox News she did come awfully close to giving Newt Gingrich her support. It's not because she necessarily thinks he'd make the best president—it's simply because a vote for him keeps the primary contest going, and she thinks that is the most valuable thing we can have right now. Anyway, here's what she said when pressed for her endorsement: More »
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Rick Santorum's wife Karen has long been an ardent ally of her husband's political career. She's given birth to seven children and home schooled the lot of them so he could go off and do his politicking. She's written about how important it is to be pro life, even in the case of rape and incest. But did you know that for most of her twenties, her live-in boyfriend was an abortion provider? And that he had helped deliver her when she was born? Who knew that it would be Rick Santorum, of all the political candidates, whose life's arc most resembled that of a Latin American telenovela? More »
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Newt Gingrich is still running for President, which means he's still kind of trying to ruin your life, which means it's still okay to make fun of him and his general weird history with women. Come one, come all, into the mirrored bedroom of Newt Gingrich, and his wife, Callista, who brushes his hair. If you dare. More »
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Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman has announced that he's ending his Presidential bid. Good. Now the race can get 100% wacky. More »
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The campaign in South Carolina is heating up, says everyone. That's apparently code for "the candidates are gathered in the roughly same geographic area, and they're emitting high pitched shrieks at each other." Yesterday, they were shrieking about Bain Capital. Today, they're still hollering about Bain, but they're also yelling about fetuses— specifically, which Republican Presidential hopeful deserves the title of Fetus's #1 fan. Let the anti-abortion rights pissing contest begin. More »
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In an allegation that should surprise no one, a new book claims that Republican Presidential frontrunner and all-around puzzling dude Mitt Romney once told a woman that she'd be barred from heaven forever unless she gave her baby up for adoption. More »
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Now that Mitt Romney has won the New Hampshire primary, everyone and their mother are running political attack ads against him. At the front of the mudslinging pack is Newt Gingrich, who, between pledging to defend marriage against guys exactly like Newt Gingrich and serving as his own hype man, has found time to craft some pretty devastating anti-Romney ads. More »
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Every week, it seems we learn something new and weird about Mitt Romney. He's got lingering beef with Eliza Dushku's mom. He's got like 27 houses. His sons are unsettlingly hot, in a steaming white bread out of the oven kind of way. He's protested against the protesters of the Vietnam War when he was in college. And now, we've learned that his hands are as soft as the finest imported fabrics, and that one of his hobbies includes firing people and being totally fine with gays and abortion. Who knew a guy who looks so boring could be so full of oddly unsettling surprises? More »
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During an TV interview this morning, Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann bristled when asked to provide insight into what, exactly, she meant when she said in a speech that gays were "sad" sufferers of "sexual dysfunction" and "a part of Satan," calling the question irrelevant gotcha journalism and refusing to add or subtract from her whackadoodle proclamation. More »
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Pennsylvanian political discharge Rick Santorum is having a great week. He's suddenly, grotesquely surging in Iowa, Rupert Murdoch and his steampunk propaganda machine Fox News have endorsed him, and people are finally showing up at his rallies. He'd like to take this opportunity to remind you, now that you're listening, that if elected, he'll promote freedom by making sure states have the right to control your body. More »
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Watch out, kissing babies and candidates saying how madly in love they are with the troops— this election cycle, there's a new bit of daily drudgery in town— relentless trolling of candidates by non-supporters whose totally surprise questions for the candidates are captured on video. While many stunts have already been pulled, there's so much more time left before the election, it'd be a shame if any American were excluded from the political troll game. So, to honor the day of the Iowa Caucuses, here's your guide to creating your own "Oh no they didn't" Everyman Confronts Pol Youtube hit, segregated, for your convenience, by Republican Presidential candidate. More »
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Things got a little crazier than usual yesterday at Michele Bachmann's campaign HQ in Iowa. A few dozen people associated with Occupy Iowa turned up to protest outside her offices, and, unwilling to face them, Bachmann did the political equivalent of hiding under the bed. More »
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No modern American political campaign would be complete without the candidates insisting, repeatedly, that they come from Very Humble Backgrounds, and no one likes insisting that they used to be poor more than Republican politicians. Here's a video montage of the 2012 GOP Presidential hopefuls' ongoing war of economic one downsmanship, complete with a sad, sad violin soundtrack. More »
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As anyone prone to reading interior design blogs knows, the home environment is a direct reflection on the quality and worthiness of its occupants' eternal souls and the determinate of whether or not they deserve love. Thus, it makes sense that we not only roundly critique the living quarters of our potential GOP Presidential nominees, we also make suggestions for how to make their homes more fitting for their public image. More »
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Yesterday was especially unkind to Michele Bachmann. First, news broke that her Iowa campaign director, Kent Sorenson, had defected to Camp Ron Paul. Then, she lost another top staff member, her political director Wes Enos, who resigned after he had the nerve to publicly defend Sorenson against charges that he'd illegally accepted money from Ron Paul's campaign. More »
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Smirking blowhard Newt Gingrich has been threatening to run for President for decades now, and this year, he's closer than he's ever been to following through on that threat. But as the Iowa caucuses approach like a thundering herd of angry ex wives, it's been difficult for evangelicals to wrap their heads around how a man who has artlessly discarded two marriages can possibly be counted on to defend family values. One voter in Iowa has dared ask Newt the difficult, pressing question: would President Newt legalize polygamy? More »
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In an attempt to add some more artfully wayward locks of hair to his polished pol image, former Massachusetts governor and current Iowa tourist Mitt Romney has taken making small talk with the locals he meets while on the campaign trail. Unfortunately, Romney must be used to having his undocumented lawn servants make small talk for him, as his best chatting efforts seem ripe for the Embarrassing Dad Hall of Fame. More »
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Now that everyone's talking about those racist newsletters Ron Paul sent around in the 1990's, people are starting to wonder if perhaps the guy who sounds like he has a lot of negative thoughts about black people might be a little bit racist. Not true, says a former longtime staffer of the Presidential candidate; Ron Paul isn't racist, but he does want Israel to stop existing and can't stand it when people speak Spanish. Also there's the one time he wouldn't shake a gay guy's hand, because of the gay germs. See? Not a racist at all. More »
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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has told you a thousand times, America: she's not running for President. So why are mysterious robo calls being made on her behalf? And why are emails urging voters to gently nag Hillary until she runs eerily appearing in the inboxes of some Democrats? And why is there a Hillary Clinton for President website that looks like it was made on Geocities on the internet? It's a trap! More »
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Bewildering libertarian charlatan Ron Paul is in the news again, and it's not for finally discovering gold in California or threatening to burn branches of the Federal Reserve in order to reduce or dependence on foreign energy sources. No, this time Ron Paul's on the hook for writing a whole bunch of really racist stuff in the 1990's, stuff he now claims he never knew was being published. O rly, Ron? More »
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Republican Wisconsin Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner was overheard yapping disparagingly about the size of the First Lady's backside, claiming that if Michelle Obama actually practiced what she preached regarding fitness and nutrition, her butt would be smaller. He's since apologized, but regardless of whether or not the notoriously dickish politician is actually sorry, can we at least agree that wasting time and energy discussing the ass size of people who are not directly in the ass slinging business is, well, assy? More »
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Remember Sarah Palin? Of course you do. You had weird dreams about her for the second half of 2008, and the sight of her randomly stringing conservative buzzwords together on TV like she's some kind of expert causes you to question the value of your college degree. But just when it seemed like she was riding off into the sunset on a red, white, and blue snowmobile, she returns to reignite speculation that she might run for President in 2012. The Nightmare Before Christmas, indeed. More »
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Delusional theocrat Michele Bachmann has broken irony again, this time by claiming that the Kinsey Report, arguably one of the most significant scientific publications in the last century, is "a myth." Why? Because in Bachmanalia, up is down, left is right, science is myth and myth is science. More »
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That scrappy ragtag gang of hateful losers who want to be the Republican nominee for President gathered together to talk at America last night in the last debate of the year. And, like in every other televised argument these clowns have had, they used their respective opportunities in the spotlight to remind America that, if elected, they'll act like total dicks. More »
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