Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle brand for close, personal friends of Gwyneth Paltrow, has been robbed! MRKT, the company’s pop-up shop in New York City, was burgled of “a very limited number of items” totaling more than $173,000.

In a statement given to People, a Goop spokesperson (Goopsperson) said:

There was an isolated incident Saturday afternoon involving a very limited number of items, which was reported to the NYPD. While the store was crowded during one of our busiest days, thankfully the NYPD responded quickly, our customers and staff are safe, and we remain open for business with proper security precautions in place.

Based on the items currently for sale on Goop’s website, it would conceivably not take much time or upper body strength to walk away from Goop’s brick and mortar location with nearly $200,000 in merch, particularly if security is lax—as the statement suggests it was, before the incident.

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You walk in and ask to try on some items from their Valentino collection. The shopkeepers direct you to the back and return to their phones. Look at all these beautiful pieces! Oh my god, don’t they look great on you? Better than you expected, even. You layer them, which is easy because many of them are almost 100% tulle. Once you throw the oversized jacket over a leather jacket, not only are you stealing, you’re keeping warm while doing it.

But what good are clothes without accessories? You head to the bags and notice a pearl clutch by Stella McCartney. Stunning, but small, so you supplement it with a Valentino shoulder bag, which is cute, but won’t hold your MacBook Air, so you grab the and Mother of Pearl tote. Though you’re already holding tens of thousands of dollars in items, no one’s paying much attention because Stella McCartney just showed up to browse. “Stella! Stella!” you hear while dumping jewelry into your clutch, bag, and tote. “Stella over here!”

But she’s not the only celebrity to make an appearance, because oh my god, Beyonce just walked in—and she’s holding Blue. Everyone shoves Stella aside (she falls into a display of pillows) and runs up to Queen Bey. You dump more rings your tote, and their screams drown out the clinking.

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When you approach the exit, you’re a good 35 pounds heavier than you were when you entered, but no one says a thing until you’re a few feet outside the shop. You feel a tap on your shoulder and tense up. This is it. You’ve just been caught. But when you turn, you don’t see a police officer, you see Stella McCartney—entirely stunning apart from her hair, made messy the fall.

“Great bag,” she says.

“Thanks,” you respond. “I think it’s yours.”

She winks at you and you return to your home with a bigger wardrobe and slightly stronger biceps.

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MRKT is open through December 24.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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Image via Getty.