Life is all about the simple pleasures—a nice morning cup of coffee, the company of close friends, eating whatever the hell you want on vacation. If you’re Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen, however, you enjoy life by not enjoying anything at all.

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We already know that Gisele and Tom “enjoy” a comically restrictive diet that does not include white sugar, white flour, MSG, caffeine, fungus, dairy, peppers, tomatoes, or eggplants. Tom Brady has also supposedly never had a cup of coffee in his entire life.

To some degree, this is of course understandable, if borderline obsessive—both of their careers depend on the maintenance of their bodies. (Even though plenty of similarly successful people do almost exactly what they do while having a cup of coffee and a tomato every now and then.)

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Still, to the surprise of absolutely no one, we’ve learned that the couple doesn’t even allow themselves an iota of indulgence while on vacation. The couple’s “master raw food chef, holistic nutritionist, and health educator” shared with the public that even while on vacation at their home in Costa Rica, they still stick to that boring-ass diet.

“They don’t always do raw, but since it’s so easy to do in Costa Rica, we do a 80/20 raw diet, with big colorful salads and lots of fresh veggies,” says the Canada-born chef. “‘G’ likes to eat vegetarian sometimes, so we’ll do a grain separate from the protein, and she’s totally into juice cleanses, so she’ll do about one per year.”

Look, I’m a fan of good nutrition and I understand that it’s a lifestyle and you have to commit. But still. STILL. Truly, what is the point of vacation if you can’t just say “fuck it” every now and then and enjoy a croissant at the breakfast buffet and a tropical drink served in an enormous piece of fruit? You might as well stay in cold-ass Boston and continuing sucking down quinoa and tomato-less salads from the comfort of your mansion.

Clearly this works for both of them but, dear god, at what cost? Imagine being invited to what I’m sure is their palatial home in Costa Rica. You’re looking forward to kicking back, relaxing and enjoying the beauty of paradise.

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You wake up on that first glorious morning with the sunlight streaming through the slatted windows of your private room, the sound of the ocean lulling you into a peaceful mood. Walking into the kitchen, you encounter Gisele sipping on a cup of hot water. You casually look around for a coffee pot or even a goddamn tea bag. Gisele notices: “Are you looking for coffee? We don’t do that, but if you bother the chef, he can probably find you some of those devil beans.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” you say, gritting your teeth. “What are you having for breakfast? I’d love an omelet. Maybe some toast?”

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Gisele tips her beautiful head of hair so far forward you can see where her expensive extensions begin—because yes, that is almost certainly not all her hair. When she finally comes up for air, you realize that she’s laughing. She is laughing with every ounce of her being and you wonder how she is able to both breathe and laugh that hard. When she finally catches her breath, Gisele looks at you with a wink: “Oh my, I have to go tell Tom.” She glides out of the kitchen and as you stand there, hungry and un-caffeinated, you hear her yell: “TOAST! Can you believe that? Toast.”


Image via Mike Coppola/Getty.