Illustration by Angelica Alzona.

You know the homegirl in your friend group who, back in August, broke up with her boyfriend because his friends just like, totally ignored her at Governor’s Ball and what the hell was that about? In September, her allergy to stone fruits was honestly the worst it has ever been. And then, in October, nobody got her costume at ALL and kept asking if she was Lady Gaga but she was obviously sexy Dolores from Westworld!!!

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2016 was a disaster.

The good news is you guys got a drink last week, and she is in a really good place right now. She’s cutting out wheat and going to focus on herself for once. She’s not going to get you anything for Christmas, but will be hurt if you don’t get her something—but what?


Clogging lessons

The new year is an excellent time to start a hobby. Plus, this particular friend of yours would do well to expand her horizons, and there is an approximately 110 percent chance that she has never clogged before. (City Stompers, 1 class for $15)


Journal filled with M&Ms

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Journaling is so important. But so is chocolate, right girl? (Shoptivity, $14.50)


Some soothing chamomile tea

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This is a perfect present for her if she didn’t just cut out wheat—and apparently refined sugar, which she announced moments after you gave her the diary with the chocolate in it—but is also suddenly very concerned about the calorie count in alcoholic drinks (which she inevitably referred to as “alkie” when you were in college). (Traditional Medicinals, $7.75 for a box)


Under-Desk elliptical trainer

There is no substitute for exercise. There is also no substitute for a desk complicated enough that just sitting in it is such a distraction that she won’t be able to g-chat you while about whether she should get bangs or not while you’re in a meeting. (SkyMall, $169.99)


A Book About Religion

Studies show that adopting a spiritual practice can help a person who has gone through a difficult period find stability and healing. I didn’t finish reading the study, but I imagine it doesn’t matter which one. Why not try Missionaries, Parents, and Girls Who Wait by David R. Mickel? (Amazon, $2.39 used)


CPR “mouth” and “nose” for kissing practice

This is a good “splurge” gift if you’re feeling really generous this year. On the card, you can write about how she doesn’t need Seth in her life to get practice making out. (Armstrong medical, $125.99)


A plague doctor mask

In 2017, you’re likely to see a lot of instagrams from this friend featuring affirming phrases such as “if you want to go quickly, go alone; if you want to go far, go together,” “dance like no one is watching,” or “live every day like it’s your last.” This mask will encourage her to really live up to that last one, and potentially forestall another Halloween meltdown next year. (Etsy, $215)