Illustration by Angelica Alzona.

Imposing your will on the world is stressful work! And as we all know, stress leads to high blood pressure—which leads to death. And for the man who has everything, death is the one thing that he doesn’t want. Here are a few ways to avoid her.


An Aneroid Sphygmomanometer

Keep track of your blood pressure and stave off the inevitable with this handy doodad. Oh no, what’s that? You’re feeling kind of under the weather? Normal people might take a day off—but not an entrepreneur like you. Your work is your life and your life is your life’s work. Can’t stop, won’t stop! (Santamedical Adult Deluxe Aneroid Sphygmomanometer with black cuff and Carrying case, $18.95)


Industrial syringes

That’s where these top of the line syringes come in. They’re the perfect tool for a quick whole-body blood replacement. (Duda Energy Syringepk001 Industrial Syringes with 18G x 1-1/2" Blunt Tip Fill Needle and Plastic Cover, 1 mL, Pack of 10, $6.49)


Transport and Storage Cooler

Good thing you’ve got this beauty! Keep that extra blood cool, so that when it goes into your body, you’ve got ice in your veins. ;) (VeriCor Cool Cube 8L at Fridge Temps (BT-08) for Blood Products & Medicine, -50° to -15°C Refrigerator Temperature Transport & Storage Cooler for Medical Professionals, $799.00)


A Phlebotomy tray

None of this would be possible, of course, without a phlebotomy tray—a blood drawing kit for the ages. Or should we say, for the ageless! Ha ha. (UNICO Phlebotomy Tray, With Tube Cubes (4) 48700, $53.00)


A drone

Also, a drone is a cool and expensive gift. Keep an eye in the sky on your friends and enemies alike. Or make a funny movie! When you’ve attained immortality, the choices are endless. (DJI Inspire1Pro-X5 Quadcopter with Zemuse X5 4k Video Camera & 3-Axis Gimbal in White, $3,399.00)