The Internet is full of unexplainable, contextless, amazing detritus. For instance! These dating rules from a not-at-all unnervingly calm Christian dad wearing a very sophisticated patterned shirt, who uses the term "date mate" and warns that, "Sex may be fun. But now sex can kill."

It's a real treat for anybody who's ever wanted sex advice from arch-conservative crooner Pat Boone.

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This video comes via Christian Nightmares, and it's a real doozy: "Going all the way with a guy or girl—what is it? How can you do it? And how can it be fun and enjoyable and not leave you feeling guilty and scarred, reminiscent of a memory you wish you could forget," says this radio-voiced paterfamilias, helpfully adding (after a really sloppily edited cut) that, "They now endure the taunt of slut." Some pointers if you want to avoid "the taunt of slut"? Don't tempt your date and also never date "outside God's family." Maybe there was a better metaphor you could've gone with, there?