Freelance Sperm Donor Warned To Quit Selling Jizz on the Internet

A San Francisco man has been told by the FDA to cease and desist selling his sperm over the internet after helping 14 women become pregnant. The 36-year-old man claims he’s simply providing a free service to women who want to become mothers without going through typical sperm donation process; authorities say he’s a public health hazard. And no matter how you slice it, there are few things less appetizing than imagining receiving a big pack o’ sperm in the mail.

According to the AP, Trent Arsenault generously donates his spooj to women he meets on his website, which features multiple pictures of the slender man acting genetically valuable. A baker’s dozen plus one of his offspring have already been born, and there are others on the way. Soon, there will be enough tiny Arsenault spawn to form their own two-team T-ball league.

The FDA claims that Arsenault is running a business that’s in violation of regulations that require sperm banks to have their donors tested for STIs within 7 days of donating sperm. Sperm banks also typically separate the actual sperm cells from the rest of the ejaculate to reduce risk of contamination, which means Arsenault is selling the fertility equivalent of unpasteurized, unfiltered cow milk. And because he’s dealing in human cells, he faces some stiff penalties if he doesn’t comply with the FDA’s order— up to $100,000 in fines and a year behind bars.

The prolific expeller of love yogurt disagrees with the FDA’s assertion that he’s running a business. According to him, he’s just providing a service to the community and helping the less fortunate.

In addition to the sheer unhygienic nature of Arsenault’s business, some fertility experts warn that a man who anonymously fathers 14 or more children could be putting those kids at risk for genetic defects as well as one day meeting and having super gross accidental siblingsex with each other.

No word on whether the FDA plans to take action against serial anonymous sperm donor and former NBA star Shawn Kemp.