You probably remember the flurry of excitement about dinosaur erotica (and the women who make an impressive living writing it) last fall, but when it comes to weird stuff that gets people's nethers engorged, there's always more to be plumbed. The internet's latest offering: cryptozoological erotica.
The Daily Beast reports on the work of Virginia Wade, a woman who makes her living writing e-books about Bigfoot's dong. A sample:
"From within the tufts of matted hair, the creature released a huge pale cock that defied logic."
"He stroked his cock, while I continued to lave his balls, taking one and then the other in my mouth."
I entered the world of interspecies fuck fiction—populated by illogical and pale cocks, testicle laving, and bigfoot handjobs—with some reluctance. The quotes above are examples of the sparkling prose to be found in Cum For Bigfoot, one of the best-selling titles in this subgenre of erotica commonly known as "monster porn." No, this is not your average smut. Instead of brawny cowboys and sadomasochistic multimillionaires, I'm lusting after a Sasquatch whose phallus is "riddled with intersecting veins and bulging on the end like a tennis ball."
Wade says she makes up to $30,000 A MONTH via Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing, and has already produced 16 volumes in her Cum for Bigfoot series.
OOPS, NEW TO-DO LIST. I cannot think of a single good reason not to spend my free time tonight writing Wet for the Chupacabra or Fiji Mermaid Gangbang. Next stop: $30,000 PER MONTH. Next stop after that: Hot tub shaped like a clam, thermostat at 71 any time I feel like it, never cleaning my own bathroom again. Thanks, Montauk Monster's Monster Cock.
Or, better yet, if I really want to make the big bucks, I need to find a yet untapped erotica market ("lol, yeah right" - internet). Cryptozoology and dinosaurs are already chugging along, but how about extinct prehistoric mammalian megafauna!!?!?? That would involve both time travel and weird beasts tonguing ladies' bunholes. I know. I'll wait while you go blow-dry your panties.
Mammoth Loves My Mammaries.
Going Down on Deinotherium.
Marsupial Lion in My Mommy-Hole.
Molested by Megaladapis.
Groped by the Ground Sloth.
Hippopotamus Wombat Worked My Womb.
I'm ready. Let's do this.
Image by Sam Woolley.