There's nothing quite like sunny summer picnics—or, as I like to call them, "there's a bee on you and also your leg is asleep"-nics—but one picnic staple doesn't quite live up to the hype. THE COOLER.

So heavy. So unwieldy. So analog. SO MUCH STANK. Surely, in 2014, there's a way to build a better cooler.

That's what Portland's Ryan Grepper is attempting to do with the "Coolest." The Coolest features a built-in stereo, a USB charger, a bottle opener, a stack of plates, a cutting board, a knife for slicing limes, bungee straps to attach your gear, a wet/dry divider thing, "wide wheels," and a MERTHERFERKIN BLENDER. Grepper's Kickstarter has 46 days to go and has already earned, um, $4,322,125 of his $50,000 goal. So. I guess you'll be able to buy one of these thingies soon.


(No mention of how Grepper plans to address my #1 cooler concern, THE STANK. MY GOD, THE ETERNAL STANK. But with $4 million, I'm sure he'll figure something out.)