Coachella: that annual event at which the most wretched of the Earth cluster together in the blistering heat, each one clad in jorts and feathers like some sort of atavistic hell-bird, all in order to poop outside while music that's been licensed by The CW plays in the background. A veritable paradise on Earth! But what is paradise without a divine companion?
That's a question that two anonymous Craigslist posters addressed head-on, in a post entitled "Needed: 2 Coachella Boyfriends for weekend 1." The text of the boyfriend-seeking posting is as follows, with some interstitial commentary:
Looking for 2 males interested in spending part of their Coachella experience with 2 fun-loving girls. Interested parties should be ready to embark on the adventure as Coachella partners-in-crime and stand-in Coachella Boyfriends. Said girls have gone to Coachella several times and will be going again with a larger group of friends so applicants should play nice with others.
Coachella veterans seek partners-in-crime. Sounds cool. What does the ideal match look like, I wonder?
General personality and character should be represented by approximately 30% bro (don't lie, there is a little of it in all of you — just admit it to yourself and save us the time), 7.5% hipster/indie, 12.5% raver and 50% normal.
There is no such thing as "approximately 7.5" or "approximately 12.5." Those are very specific numbers. With that said, I cannot even imagine what freakish Frankenstein would fit these personality proportions. I picture a man in a business suit with the sleeves ripped off to reveal a tribal tattoo, clutching a Glo Stick to his heaving breast. He is wearing a baseball hat with a sports logo on it over a lamé headband. He is a monster.
Coachella Boyfriends should be interested (but not limited to) seeing some of the following acts: Outkast, Adventure Club, Zedd, Fatboy Slim, Big Gigantic, Kid Cudi, Calvin Harris, Elli Goulding [sic], Gareth Emery, Alesso, Lorde, Duck Sauce, Showtek.
Absolutely no applicants with an affinity for AFI (aka whiney ass bitch music).
Does "Duck Sauce" even have a song that isn't that Barbra Streisand song? I don't know if it's okay to disparage AFI while cherishing Duck Sauce.
- 24 years or older
- 6 feet tall (willing to accept 5'11" if you are *actually* that height - no rounding up, let's be honest here)
- Current San Francisco resident
- Must already have your own Coachella Weekend 1 ticket
- General physical stamina and ability to carry a girl on your shoulders
- Know how to handle your shit (blacking out and forgetting the festival is the minor leagues buddy)
- Understands and appreciates the natural wonder that is car camping
- Understands and appreciates the natural wonder that is car camping and still plans on utilizing the -shower through said 3-days of camping
- Embraces morning day-drinking
- Bonus for above-par beer pong skills
- Preference given to applicants applying as a pair of friends.
"General physical stamina and ability to carry a girl (plus her conceptual headdress!!!) on your shoulders, like some common beast of burden."
To apply please email us your name, a picture, a short description of why you are interested in being a Coachella Boyfriend, and top 3 Coachella acts you'd like to see.
Applicants meeting these requirements will be followed up with accordingly.
Thanks for your interest and happy Coachella!
Happy Coachella indeed. Best of luck to all; I look forward to you receiving a book deal in the near future. Whatever you do, please don't call it Coachellove. PLEASE.