Real Housewives of New York Axes Four Cast Members

Erin Gloria Ryan — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 11:00:45 EDT

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Jill Zarin, Kelly Bensimmon, Alex McCord, and Cindy Barshop have been cut from season 5 of RHONY. What are they supposed to do now? Just freelance their Realness? Non-FDA approved prescription drug trials? Be professionally Not Employed but act as consultants? Maybe they could form a staffing firm called Deloitte & Douche. All claim to be working on exciting new projects, because everyone who gets fired likes to pretend they're happy about it for a few days. If a reality TV fameball becomes enraged and pulls a hair extension from a shrieking social rival's head in the middle of a busy restaurant and no cameras are around to record it, does it still make a sound? [People]

What in the name of fuck is this fuckery? Serial unrepentant purveyor of domestic violence and generally painfully unfunny scumbag Charlie Sheen is rumored to be presenting at the Emmy awards tonight because the television industry just wants to make it clear that women can just go ahead fuck themselves. [ContactMusic]

Jay Z is upset with Kelly Rowland for going on tour with angry singing toddler/ladypuncher Chris Brown. [Digital Spy]

Lindsay Lohan lost her phone earlier this week because of course she did. A kind stranger returned it and received the reward of One Thank You from Lindsay Lohan. Whatever carrier Lindsay's on probably includes "Lohan phone loss/replacement" in its quarterly projections. I bet board members get nervous when she head-fakes an end to the party scene. "What are we going to do to replace the lost Lohan phone revenue?" they say to each other, "Do you think they'll be staff reductions? Because I just bought that new boat and we need that Lohan boost to bring our numbers to where they need to be." And then the first guy says, "Don't worry. There are three terrible clubs opening in the next month. She's sure to lose at least two phones." [TMZ]

Westboro Baptist Church picketed a Foo Fighters show in Kansas City last night, and in response, the band counter-picketed them, singing a taunting song from the back of a flat bed semi while wearing wigs and fake mustaches. In other news, Dave Grohl is my Ryan Gosling. [Digital Spy]

Beyonce walked the runway to close her House of Dereon brand's fashion show in London. She wore a black sparkly maternity pantsuit so well that I briefly considered getting myself a black sparkly maternity pantsuit, even though I am not pregnant and Beyonce is literally the only human ever born who could pull that off except maybe David Bowie. [ONTD]

Marc Anthony cried onstage after his fans sang Happy Birthday to him at a concert in Miami on Friday. I can't be the only one who has to pause and think for a second every time I have to type or say his name. Is it Marc Anthony or Mark Antony? One slept with Cleopatra and the other married Jenny from the Block... [People]

Speaking of Jenny, Ms. Lopez and estranged husband Marc(k?) Ant(h?)ony put their differences aside to continue celebrating his 43rd birthday this weekend. What does one get for a 43 year old man who still celebrates his birthday like he's turning seven? A big firetruck that makes real sounds, probably. [JustJared]

Matthew Fox won't be charged with anything after punching a female bus driver in the swimsuit areas last month. The woman's attorney was shocked by the state's decision, but he should have known that it's impossible to charge Matthew Fox with any sort of crime because he's been dead all along. [Yahoo]

The wife of the guitarist from Journey is pretty upset that her husband is carrying on with that lady who wasn't invited to the White House, because Journey Guy only married The Wife two months ago (I'm deliberately not using names here because I don't want any of you to waste your mental resources on knowing who these people are. Save yourselves!). Anyway, the husband of The Non-Invited Lady is also upset about this whole to-do and has been banned from Journey concerts. The two lovebirds reportedly met when he saw her in a smoky room. She smelled like wine and cheap perfume. And then, contrary to the advice of professionals, he Stopped Believing in marriage. [TMZ]

Barry Manilow agrees with everything Ron Paul says, which means that if you don't have health insurance, Barry Manilow wants you to die. [BuzzFeed]

Regular people who live in Jennifer Aniston's neighborhood are upset that paparazzi have swarmed to the place like so many couples in matching America-themed windsuits to a Sarah Palin book signing. According to complaints, the photographers have caused traffic congestion and minor accidents. They've also caused more pictures of Jennifer Aniston to be taken, which, at this point, seems kind of wasteful. Haven't you taken enough pictures of Jennifer Aniston? Can't we just photoshop existing snapshots of Jennifer Aniston onto different backgrounds and have it look pretty much the same as completely new photos? She's had about the same hair and wardrobe since 2001. [TMZ] More »

Everyone Is Faking It But Madonna and Paris Hilton

Megan Carpentier — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 18:40:00 EDT

Paris Hilton has another video in support of her nascent Presidential campaign and, this time, she's got Jeb Bartlett giving her advice. It's not as good as the first, but it just goes to show that President Bartlett was nothing without Josh. [Funny or Die]
In other really important news, Madonna really doesn't want "Sarah Fucking Palin" at her party and doesn't appreciate the winking. [Huffington Post]
And the Foo Fighters want McCain to stop using their song "My Hero." Man, does anyone listen to lyrics anymore?[WWLTV]
McCain thinks we're all his "fellow prisoners." So do we, old man, so do we. [Think Progress]

Jezebel: Foo Fighters

Real Housewives of New York Axes Four Cast Members

Everyone Is Faking It But Madonna and Paris Hilton