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A Florida judge has ordered a man accused of grabbing his wife by the neck and shoving her into the back of their couch to take the woman out on a proper date: Red Lobster, and bowling. Anything else shitty and totally inappropriate you want to suggest, judge? A gentle fingerbanging session, perhaps? More »
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A Florida woman's decision to get breast implants three months ago turned out to be a very lucky one. When she was attacked and stabbed in the chest by her ex-fiance's new girlfriend, her left implant stopped the knife from being plunged into her chest wall. The 41-year-old woman says the $6,000 she spent on the surgery was, "the best investment I've ever made." Her eccentric plastic surgeon took the incident as a sign: "If this saves lives, there's nothing wrong with passing legislation that everybody should have a breast prosthesis." Oh my God, why didn't we think of this method of self-defense earlier? Let's get Congress going on this ASAP. More »
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The remains of a 95-year-old woman named Anne Bunch were found in a Florida storage unit nearly 17 years after she died in 1994. Her daughter, Bobbie Barnett Hancock, — described as a "hoarder" by her ex-husband — kept her mother's remains in storage until she could no longer afford the unit and had to sell it and its then-unknown grisly contents at auction. Of course, it's not so bizarrely simple as a case of extreme hoarding — according to her daughter, Bunch, who died of three heart attacks and a paralyzing stroke, couldn't afford to be buried as-planned in Alabama because in America even dying takes a little extra capital. More »
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Hey, everybody, have you heard the good news? If Newt Gingrich is elected president, we can all go live on the moon! Cool…wait, what? Yep, here's what the man said earlier today: More »
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Magniloquent human fart Newt Gingrich has risen like hot air to the top of the polls in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination. People who get paid to talk about politics on the teevee say that this is due to his debate performances. But now, Newt says that unless the audience is allowed to cheer after all the fire he spits, he's going to refuse to show up for debates, take his ball, and go home. You show 'em, Newt. More »
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Perhaps you've heard of this case called Roe v. Wade, which affirmed that women have the right to seek an abortion until a fetus is viable. Florida legislators are aware of the ruling, but since they don't agree with it, they've introduced a bill that blatantly violates the decision. The near-total ban on abortion in the state certainly won't stand, but lawmakers have packed it chock full of methods to take away a woman's right to choose, in the hope that some bit of it will wind up becoming a law. More »
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In the wee hours of the morning on New Year's Day, an abortion clinic in Pensacola, Florida was gutted in a fire. Naturally, authorities suspected that American Family Planning, which has been the target of violence and protests over the past three decades, didn't just happen to catch fire, and it turns out they were right. Police have charged a man with arson, and say he's admitted to trying to burn the clinic down because he opposes abortion. More »
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Early on Sunday morning while people were still celebrating the new year, a fire spread through a Florida abortion clinic, entirely gutting the building. Authorities have yet to turn up evidence that the building was purposely set on fire, but the clinic has been the target of violence over the years, and it seems very likely that some nutjob decided to ring in 2012 with a little arson. More »
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GARDENS, FL - JANUARY 01: Mark Sanchez #6 and Dustin Keller #81 of the New York Jets celebrate a touchdown during a game at Sun Life Stadium on January 1, 2012 in Miami Gardens, Florida. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images) More »
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If you had $20,000 to spare, what would you spend it on? A car? Your child's education? Investments? Donations to charities? Maaaybe, but you might also use it to pay to have your yard filled up with fake snow. Yes, that is a real thing! They've been doing it at ski hills for ages, but you can also have a snow machine come to your very own home—and apparently business is booming, especially in the South. David Bryant, the president of a Florida company called The Ice Man, has been in the fake snow business for 27 years and says demand is higher than ever: More »
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Forget trying to help this little old lady across the street: Bernice Bates, who's 91 years old, is probably more spry than you are. Guinness World Records has just awarded her the title of Oldest Yoga Teacher, and she teaches once a week at her retirement center in Florida. The great-grandmother may not actually be the oldest living yoga teacher—there could be an older yogi hiding in some remote location—but she's the oldest one to have filled out all the necessary Guinness paperwork, and that counts for a lot! More »
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Craigslist is good for more than just finding cheap used furniture for your apartment. Out of desperation, 28-year-old Selina Hodge posted an ad for a kidney donor in July and wound up getting 800 responses. One was from 23-year-old Stephanie Grant, who lives nearby in Florida and saw a story about Hodge on TV. "I had a gut instinct when I saw the request for a donor on television. I had to get involved," she said. The women underwent surgery this week and so far it seems that there were no complications. Hodge's mother, Gina Evans, said of Grant, "It just amazes me that somebody would actually lay down their life for a complete stranger." More »
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TSA screening is never fun for anyone, but one 84-year-old grandmother claims she had an especially bad experience. Lenore Zimmerman, of Long Island, was flying to Fort Lauderdale, Florida, when she says she was strip searched by TSA agents at JFK Airport. More »
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Speaking to a crowd in South Florida and demonstrating the tact and progressive thinking for which she's now universally acclaimed, Midwestern embarrassment Michele Bachmann told a crowd in the heavily Spanish speaking neck of the woods that illegal immigrants should be deported, babies born in the US shouldn't automatically be granted citizenship, and English should be made the official language of the country. Guess this means Michele Bachmann's going to have to learn to speak English. More »
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A recent episode of The People's Court featured a case in which volatile exes Michelle Parker and Dale Smith battled over whether or not Michelle had to pay $5,000 for an engagement ring she had thrown away during a heated argument. The judge ruled that the pair split the cost. But the day that episode aired, November 17, Michelle disappeared. She dropped the couple's twin sons off at her ex-fiance's house and hasn't been heard from since. More »
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More maimed patients have come forward to corroborate an accusation that a transsexual woman posing as a doctor has been going around injecting toxic chemicals into people's posteriors. More »
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The mother of a sixth grader is irate after a Hooters waitress was invited to speak at her son's school career day, comparing the incident to a California school's decision to invite Sasha Grey to read to students. More »
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First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden were in Florida today for a NASCAR event, and they didn't exactly receive a warm welcome. They were supporting Joining Forces, a White House initiative to hire and train veterans, which is about as unobjectionable as they come. The ladies received a standing ovation at a pre-race event, but then when the two of them were introduced to the crowd at the race there was a loud, sustained booing sound. (You can hear it starting at the 1:36 mark below.) So much for good sportsmanlike conduct, NASCAR fans! More »
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Guess where this happened? Florida! Specifically Fort Myers. It all started because the bus driver told the unnamed fourth grader to stop eating candy on the bus. On Halloween! Come on. I think we all know that asking a kid not to eat candy on Halloween is like requesting that a junkie not do any herion when that junkie is high on heroin and surrounded by heroin on a holiday celebrating heroin. More »
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Last spring, serving children alcoholic beverages at chain restaurants was all the rage in child endangerment, but it seems we may have a horrible new trend on our hands. For the second time in a month, a father has been arrested for putting his 9-year-old child in the driver's seat when he was too drunk to drive. First it was an inebriated father who was arrested for turning the wheel over to his 9-year-old daughter (who, to be fair, was "driving good"). Now Walter Sikkenga has been charged with felony child endangerment in Florida after admitting that he and his wife told their 9-year-old son to drive their van home because they were too sloshed. Apparently, this needs to be said: Making your child act as your chauffer isn't what beer commercials are talking about when they direct you to "drink responsibly." More »
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A Florida judge has issued a temporary injunction that will stop enforcement of a measure that requires welfare applicants to be tested for drugs before receiving benefits. Now, if only a judge could declare the myth of the drug-addled welfare queen "dead." More »
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Florida millionaire Bob Ward, who lived in the same tony neighborhood as Olympic level philanderer Tiger Woods, has been found guilty of murdering his wife in 2009. Ward's attorney immediately announced that he planned to appeal the jury's verdict, which he blamed on another Florida woman- Casey Anthony. More »
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Sixty-nine year old Milton Ellis of St. Petersburg, Florida was awakened by 22-year-old Josephine Rebecca Smith biting the crap out of his face and neck on Friday. Alarmed, the man fled to a nearby gas station where he reported the incident. Police returned to the scene of the crime, the porch outside of an abandoned Hooters restaurant, and found a strange sight. Reports the St. Petersburg Times, More »
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Florida Republicans haven't done this country many favors, but one, Rep. Ritch Workman has taken up a surprisingly sensible cause: He wants to get rid of several ridiculous, outdated laws, including one that makes it illegal for unmarried couples to live together. Unfortunately, his fellow Republicans are expected to fight him to prevent Floridians from sinking into a state of moral depravity. More »
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The state of Florida, perennial front-runner in America's annual Worst State contest, has rejected $50 million in federal money that would have been allotted to help abused children. More »
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Robert Aydin Hakimoglu, 42, got in a fight Saturday night while discussing the Casey Anthony trial with some folks in Melbourne Beach, Florida. Hakimoglu, who agrees with the verdict, got so fired up while arguing with a group of people fishing that he punched a woman in the face and then jumped into a lagoon to get away from cops. More »
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Juror #3 on the Casey Anthony trial spoke with Good Morning America earlier today to clarify headlines claiming she was "sick to her stomach" over the verdict. The juror, Jennifer Ford, expanded upon her earlier comments, saying, "I can't find her guilty of a crime if I'm not sure a crime was committed." More »
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Now that Casey Anthony's been found not guilty, the deluge of media offers can begin. Sadly for everyone, satisfying our morbid curiosity is probably the only way Anthony can make money. More »
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A jury has found Casey Anthony not guilty of murdering her daughter Caylee. She was also acquitted of child abuse and manslaughter, but convicted of four counts of providing false information to law enforcement. More »
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Gwyneth Paltrow has something to say about homosexuality! She took to Goop to discuss her views, writing: More »
]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5810665&view=rss&microfeed=true Actual lede to this NBC Miami story: "Floridians are going to have to start pulling up their pants and stop having sex with animals soon." More »
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A Florida woman was arrested after authorities found a fraudulent credit card and fake driver's license in her vagina. Ann Marie Hernandez was pulled over on Friday after police found more than $5,000 worth of items purchased with a phony credit card in her car. Later a female deputy located the cards. More »
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The new chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, is so ferocious on television that, according to Politico, Republicans worry their chairman won't measure up. Here are some of her greatest hits. More »
]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5796779&view=rss&microfeed=true Rep. Scott Randolph quipped that his wife should "incorporate her uterus," because the only things Republicans don't want regulated are businesses. (Later, he gave his wife credit for the joke.) Republicans sternly reminded him of the appropriate term, "baby receptacle." More »
]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=5787665&view=rss&microfeed=true A 26-year-old Boca Raton, Florida woman who identifies herself only as "Taylor" was devastated when her boyfriend cheated on her, and is now seeking revenge by selling his clothes on the internet by appearing with the articles in various states of undress. According to Taylor, her boyfriend used to pressure her to cover up her body and wear more conservative clothing, and thus her appearing naked on the internet will drive him crazy. This is kind of like how movie stars break up and then the spurned woman gets a revenge ultra sexy bikini body. Revenge! More »
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"It's not about being vindictive," says 26-year-old Taylor. "Maybe initially I was getting back at him, but now I don't feel that way. It's fun. I find this all to be very therapeutic, very liberating." She says the nudity's a response to his controlling insistence on her modesty. So far she's grossed $1,000. More »
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A group of friends from Miami, one a star NCAA baseball player, has been charged with the rape of two seventeen-year-old girls. Given that it involves athletes and girls getting drunk, brace yourselves for an extra-ugly fallout. More »
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An Orlando school board is changing its rules on fundraising after one high school charged students $2 to attend a pep rally. Since their other options included study hall or going home early, we're guessing it wasn't a packed house. More »
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Police say 27-year-old Mitchell Hill is the stalker who posed as a sorority girl to get other students to send him nude photos. He was arrested yesterday in Key West. More »
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