One of today’s biggest stories is about a family who may have discovered a ghost in their nursery. Instead of being happy about it, however, the dumbasses have already gone to the media to complain about the metaphysical being inhabiting their nursery. Why is that being a “dumbass” you want to know? Uh, mainly because ghosts are the best babysitters of all time.

In order to clear up any misconceptions about hiring a ghost as a babysitter—fuck off, media -obsessed family demanding sympathy for your discrimination against living-challenged individuals—I’ve put together a handy list that you can whip out and consult any time you consider hiring anyone but a ghost to raise your children or whenever one of your friends tries to shame you for hiring help from the underworld as opposed to some college kid who doesn’t take CPR seriously because they’ve never died themselves. Wake up, sheeple: ghosts kid-minders are good for you, for your babies, and most importantly, for the American way of life. Here’s why:

  1. Ghosts are cheap to maintain. Everyone knows times are hard for the 99%, but no one knows when it will get better. That’s why it’s so important to economize on household expenses like soap (ghosts do not use) and food (which ghosts do not eat). While hiring a teenager to laze around your house and leave empty packages everywhere as a grim reminder that you’re literally paying someone to eat you out of house and home under the pretense of giving a shit about your baby, ghosts have no such needs. Sure, you can offer them dinner (just to be polite; they were once human, after all) but no self-respecting ghost is going to sit at your dinner table and try to fecklessly grab a piece of American cheese with their transparent hands. Even if the ghost is one of those malevolent spirits that can interact with objects, even the least conscientious spirit knows it’s uncouth to force others to watch as a piece of processed dairy product flows through them, turning into globs of ectoplasm before your eyes.
  2. Ghosts don’t sleep and are always watching. The reason horror movies make this out to be a negative is because the creators of such films as Paranormal Activity and Paranormal Activity 5: The Ghost Dimension know the value of an all-watchful spirit who’s willing to make sure your baby is safe at all times. That means that your baby (or child) is never alone and never has to worry about safety issues such as open windows (ghosts can blow those closed) or too much TV (ghosts are very good at rolling balls down the hall, completely eradicating the need for any other form of entertainment.) And, if your baby wakes up in the middle of the night and needs some soothing, a ghost is always happy to gently rock the cradle and make pleasant noises that will eventually calm the child. Those aren’t moans you’re hearing, parents; they’re lullabies sung in an ancient ghost language and they’re beautiful. Plus, imagine all the kleenex you could save if your child is a teenage male. What kid is going to jerk off anywhere but the bathroom—contrary to popular belief ghosts do not haunt toilets because they value—when the spirit of their dead grandmother (the one who died in that horrible bus accident and still looks like it) or a proper victorian lady (complete with a translucent parasol) is sitting at the foot of their bed and shaking her head?
  3. Ghosts work for free. This goes along with the whole “no eating” thing, but you should know that unlike those vultures at Care.com, ghosts aren’t going to charge you an arm and a leg to cut up some fucking carrot sticks, smother them in hummus, and hand them off to your kid as a snack. In fact, ghosts are so grateful that you’re allowing them to live in your home rent-free as they tie up all their loose ends in this earthly realm that they’ll even invite their ghost friends (even the meanest ones have a squad) over to help. Imagine this: you’re going out for the evening and not only is your babysitter someone who won’t charge you and can’t cancel, but your child is literally protected by four to five paranormal forces at one time. What could be better than coming home to a cooing baby with their bright eyes turned to a mobile that’s spinning by itself? That’s right, the fact that you used all that money you would have spent on a sitter to buy one to five extra desserts.
  4. Ghosts don’t have Facebook or Twitter and won’t talk shit about you to other people (only other ghosts). No need to go through a costly lawyer for those dumb confidentiality contracts because who the hell are ghosts going to tell your business? And even if they do, who are your friends and relatives going to believe? You—a living breathing human being—or a noncorporeal denizen of the spirit world who wasted their time on earth so hard that they have to stick around after death and watch your baby while they try to figure out exactly what they need to make up for. Ghosts: excellent babysitters, no credibility when it comes to gossip.
  5. Ghosts won’t sleep with your husband. Or wife. Or, you know, anyone else who isn’t a ghost. So many celebrity divorces these days revolve around one partner allegedly sneaking off with the babysitter for some unsanctioned play time while the children are being ignored. But imagine how many divorces might be stymied if only your child’s baby-sitter or nanny (if the ghost has the time; always ask, don’t just assume) was a 14th century dung-scraper who died of plague and still bears the marks of the sickness all over their gauzy form. Or what if the ghost who’s moved into your house had suffered from leprosy? Kids will find the detachable finger trick funny, significant others, however, will not find either the “dick just fell on the ground” or the “head barely attached to the neck” as humorous. And they (and you, because let’s face it, lots of people cheat) won’t find the possible dropsy your ghost is constantly battling with hot as fuck either. Plus, ghosts will generally be very respectful of rules due to their constant fear of being exorcised. Some might think that this is a little unfair, but you’ve got to remember: ghosts are living in your house rent-free and with no other responsibility than to watch your child until it’s old enough to take care of itself. That’s a sweet deal they won’t fuck up just to get a little human nookie. Also, ghosts don’t do anal, FYI, and that means you don’t have to either! (Works out for everyone; unless you like that sort of thing. Ghosts are cool with that, too. No judgment, man.)

Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

Image via screengrab.