As an ardent fan of post-awards show Illuminati conspiracy ramblings and as a human who loved Beyoncé's feminist bat signal at the VMAs, I was disappointed — TO SAY THE LEAST — at the paucity of results when I Googled "illuminati feminist conspiracy" in the aftermath of her performance.

I am of the firm belief that the litmus test for mattering in pop culture is being implicated in fabricated televised Satanic rituals. Even Jessie J has been accused of being in the organization's nefarious ranks, and who is that? Hardly anyone knows. Thus, if feminism is having a Pop Culture Moment (thank goddess), it's only fair that it should have an Illuminati Conspiracy Moment as well.

Fortunately, in the deeper dregs of YouTube, I came across this important cultural artifact. It is entitled "Beyonce's VMA Illuminati Feminist Propaganda Exposed," and, initially, it seems to be everything one would hope for in an anti-feminist Satanic conspiracy theory. The video opens with a man named Mark Dice contemptuously coughing up the word "FEMINIST" and going on to call Beyoncé a "mind-control puppet doing everything she can to break down the last remaining stitches holding society together." Sounds fun!!! I can get behind that.

From there, though, things go downhill, and it tragically turns into a typical mouth-breathing misogynist's podcast. NO mention of the devil; NO mention of shape-shifting reptoids; barely any mention of the number 666 (one time it was on someone's tank top in the background of a Beyoncé video). Just a lot of anger about women wanting equal rights and some sputtering confusion about how feminists can enjoy sexuality that would fit perfectly into a boring conservative thinkpiece. Sigh. Poor Mark even brings up the "Ban Bossy" campaign without so much as a fleeting reference to 1984, which is terrible form for a conspiracy theorist.

Honestly, I expect better. In the future, I would like all feminist Illuminati conspiracies to contain the following: diagrams showing that there are several triangles within the word "FEMINIST" (Fig. 1); a sigil of Baphomet elaborately constructed out of diva cups; an allusion to Satan ruling over a hellscape littered with burning bras.

Finally, Someone Has Implicated Feminism in the Illuminati Conspiracy

Fig. 1, far more compelling proof of the Illuminati-feminist conspiracy.

Together, we can imagine a better world in which we are all puppets of a (pro-feminist!) evil elite. I believe in us.

Image via Getty.