Fifteen Imaginary Women React to the Idea of a Man Taking Their Name

Today, we at Jezebel—Protectresses of Man Feelings—stumbled upon Thought Catalog’s “15 Men React To The Idea Of Taking Their Wife’s Last Name After Marriage.” We were aggrieved, nay, heartsick as we contemplated the gnawing terror experienced by Poor Men who are asked to take the names of their female partners.

We want above all else to assuage this Man Pain. And that is why we sought high and low for fifteen women willing to sympathize with you on this delicate and testicular-focused matter. We couldn’t find any, but we were able to scrounge up fifteen imaginary women who ally themselves deeply with your male-centric ethos. We think you’ll be comforted by the responses.

Judith, 31: “Listen, if he has to listen to me holler and carry on during my labor pains, the very least I can do is annihilate my own identity on his behalf.”

Adrienne, 25: “I have it on good authority that the emasculating trauma of taking a woman’s surname can directly result in the deflation of the testicles. It would be so difficult to procreate after that. Just to play it safe, I want to ensure that my sweet hubby never doubts his dominion over my body and soul.”

Hélène, 22: “My husband take MY surname? Who the hell cracked your skull? I’m not only taking his name as my surname — I’m taking it as my first and middle names too! Or maybe I’ll just change my first name to Mrs…

Eve, 29: “The day of my wedding I will light an enormous bonfire and throw into it every single item bearing my maiden name. Except my birth certificate — that I’m going to eat.”

Monique, 37: “I’m sorry, but did Adam take EVE’s last name?”

Simone, 24: “Men are so sensitive to oppression. When I asked my husband if he would help me dry the dishes he got a nosebleed. It’s just not right to be the cause of your loved one’s suffering.”

Bell, 40: “I’ve never once voted because I want my husband to know I trust him to make the best decisions for us. Little things like that sustain a marriage. If I hadn’t taken his name, how could he ever feel confident as patriarch?”

Gloria, 34: “I brought it up to my fiancé over dinner, and he choked to death on his food. Now I’m always going to be alone. This is a cautionary tale, ladies.”

Audre, 27: “Once in second grade I got sent to the principal’s office because I refused to write my name as anything other than ‘Future Wife.’”

Julia, 49: “It’s just so unfair to demand that someone forsake such an essential part of himself.”

Luce, 20: “I’m pretty sure taking your husband’s name is genetic.”

Angela, 50: “Haven’t you read Animal Farm? I don’t quite see the connection, but my husband tells me it’s about matriarchy.”

Sojourner, 29: “When we have sex, my boyfriend likes to grunt his name over and over. I couldn’t take that away from him.”

Alice, 35: “I’m furious just thinking about this. Like, I just want to go out and tattoo my husband’s name all over my face.”

Charlotte, 38: “Sorry, I cannot speak to you without my husband’s consent.”