Lock Up Your Children: Blended 'Will Make Them Stupid'

For Blended, Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore have teamed up yet again to pretend to be in love. From the accounts of people who went to see this miracle movie, third time is not the charm.

The plot follows the likely tale of a man and a woman who go on a blind date, hate each other, and somehow end up on an African safari with their children. Life! It's so zany!

Stephen Witty of the New Jersey Star-Ledger pulls no punches about how atrociously zany life/this movie is:

I can think of worse ways to spend nearly two hours in a chair than watching "Blended," but most of them involve Novocain, a buzzing drill and someone's fat fingers in my mouth.

Actually, maybe that isn't that much worse.

David Hilbrandt of the Philadelphia Inquirer writes that given the premise of the film, it's clear that Sandler and Barrymore will end up together. However "when the oft-delayed first kiss finally arrives, Sandler looks as pained and reluctant as a child tasting octopus for the first time."

Colin Covert of the Minneapolis Star Tribune says the movie includes "borderline racist gags" and describes it as a "two-hour death march":

Fans of the bestiality theme in Sandler's films will be pleased to learn that there is man-on-giraffe tongue kissing and a gratuitous shot of rhinoceros copulation.

Many seem to agree that Barrymore and Terry Crews are talents wasted on this movie (and Sandler). As Linda Barnard of the Toronto Star explains of Barrymore:

She risks a hernia carrying this bloated turkey on her back. Incredibly, she's game for much of it, funny and charming throughout.

(Relatedly, the Hollywood Reporter notes that "Barrymore is especially good at conveying her character's entangled feminist disgust and humanist forgiveness." ?!)

Adam Graham of the Detroit News writes that even so, "The laughs are sporadic and the supposedly tender moments are as heartwarming as a Hot Pocket."

On the up side, Variety notes that the film is "an improvement" compared to other Sandler movies:

Unquestionably an improvement over recent Sandler efforts like "Grown Ups 2," "Jack and Jill" and "Just Go With It" — which, to be fair, were all truly vile, "death of cinema" sorts of affairs — the film is all the more disappointing for having actual potential to squander.

But perhaps the best review of Blended is A.O. "Tony" Scott's in the New York Times. Scott who starts off with this humdinger of a paragraph:

Because life is short and I have other things to be upset about, I will not dwell on the offensive aspects of "Blended," the new Adam Sandler comedy: its retrograde gender politics; its delight in the humiliation of children; its sentimental hypocrisy about male behavior; its quasi-zoological depiction of Africans as servile, dancing, drum-playing simpletons; its ... I'm sorry. That's just what I said I wouldn't do.

He also deems the movie PG-13 in part because "It will make your children stupid."

Blended is in theaters now. Have a happy Memorial Day weekend and maybe go outside instead of seeing it.

Image via Warners Bros.