Everything about Phyllis Schlafly is perfect: her ridiculous name, her relentlessly upright hairdo, her solid, unyielding commitment to being wrong about every goddamn thing. The conservative icon is back today with a scorching take on solving campus rape: fewer women should go to college. They're not even using it except to get that Mrs. Degree, right?

Writing in World Net Daily, your home for all-caps ads about medical alert bracelets, Schlafly, founder of the Eagle Forum and author of Kissinger on the Couch—which is, tragically, not a searing work of erotica for seniors—says there are simply too many ladies in college, leading, inexorably, to all that rape.

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Schlafly begins by bemoaning the Vanishing Dick Majority she recalls from her days as a co-ed:

Long ago when I went to college, campuses were about 70 percent male, and until 1970 it was still nearly 60 percent. Today, however, the male percentage has fallen to the low 40s on most campuses.

The American Council on Education reports that women have averaged 57 percent of enrollments since the year 2000. Women received nearly 60 percent of all college degrees conferred in 2010.

Here, at long last, Phyllis ain't wrong: women are more likely to attend college and graduate school than men (yet somehow consistently earn less than their male peers with identical degrees when they graduate). And while girls have started scoring better than boys on the SATs, Schlafly doesn't see that as evidence that they're fit for college, since their scores are generally higher only in the writing portions. Those SAT scores also don't translate into great jobs for red-blooded American men, but again, that's because of ladies crowding the schools, as well as "foreigners" in the job market:

Boys do far better on average than girls on the SAT test for mathematics, which means that boys are better prepared than girls for STEM majors in college. This has been true every year for more than 40 years.

Nearly twice as many boys as girls attain very high scores on the math SAT, with an immense difference at the high end. But the job market for STEM graduates is not as good as it should be, due to corporations' preference for hiring lower-paid, easy-to-control foreigners on H-1B visas, so many American guys decide that the high cost of an engineering degree is not worth it.

A shocking 46 percent of recent college graduates work in jobs that do not require a college degree. Boys are more likely than girls to look at the cost-benefit tradeoff of going to college.

Not only are women mucking up the job market for men with their insistence on higher education, when they get to college they're engaging in Wanton Casual Sexing, or, as Phyllis puts it, "casual hook-ups that are dead-end encounters with no future and no real romantic relationships." And that's the crux of the campus rape problem, she says: "The imbalance of far more women than men at colleges has been a factor in the various sex scandals that have made news in the last couple of years."

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So what are we to do about the Faltering Male Percentage and the college women who won't stop getting raped around them? Institute a strict 50/50 quota of men versus women, Schlafly suggests. Stop granting any college loans (since, clearly, those lazy women are more willing to take a handout than men). Or, best of all, reinstate all the sports the evil feminists have stolen from us: "Another solution would be to reinstate all the men's sports that were canceled by an extremist feminist application of Title IX, the federal law that prohibits discrimination against female students. The feminists have misused that law to abolish many men's sports in order to achieve a statistical equality between the percentage of men playing on college sports teams and the percentage of male enrollment in college." (That's a common and easily debunked misperception about Title IX. Men's sports are, far more often, the victim of NCAA scholarship limits, not cackling feminists snatching the football from the hands of weeping freshmen).

This is such a rich, textured argument: a woman who went to liberal arts college (Schlafly attended Radcliffe for undergrad), earned a non-STEM degree (government) complaining about women in college! A woman who was able, at various points in her life, to work as a model, a ballistics gunner and technician at a munitions plant, a constitutional lawyer, and raise six children complaining bitterly about the many career options feminism has provided for American women! Blaming women for campus rape, when any self-respecting troll could point out, that since men are more likely to commit sexual violence on campus and off, maybe the solution is to stop letting them attend college at all? Or, since women not enrolled in college are even more likely to be raped than college women, we should simply stop letting men leave the house until they learn not to rape anyone? The point is: never change, Phyllis.

Image via AP

[H/T Right Wing Watch and Salon]