Ew Jax, No One Cares That You Hooked Up With Lindsay Lohan

Vanderpump Rules is back for a 4th season, thank god—do not tell me what happens, I have not had a chance to watch yet—but unfortunately, along with this perfect Bravo specimen comes toadlike sex villain Jax “I Never Banged Fucking Jax” Taylor, neck ever-widening, buttons ever-lowering.

Jax and fellow (infinitely more appealing) cast member Tom Schwartz made an appearance on Watch What Happens Live! Monday night, in which Jax “admitted” to having slept with Lindsay Lohan. Here is how Jax explained this super interesting and once-in-a-lifetime scenario that is probably made up:

“It was a long time ago. It was just once, and it was bad—no, it was good, but the situation was—no, she was great! It was a long time ago. The next day she got married, to a girl, I think. She got in a car accident…”

Hm, I really didn’t think it was possible to bury one thousand lies into three lines of speech. Kudos, I guess!