Everyone Who Cried on Bachelor in Paradise: Week Four

Hello again! There were less tears than usual on this week’s Bachelor in Paradise, for which we can probably thank a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and severe dehydration.

Over the course of three amazing hours, Samantha—who as it turns out was plotting not only with Joe before she came on Paradise, but also Nick, a new guy who is significantly hotter—dumps Joe on his birthday, in front of his birthday cake, because, in absolutely classic form, she is “tired of the drama” [that she started]. Joe promptly decides to try blackmailing Samantha into getting back together with him, which does not appear to work.

Elsewhere, Carly “Freaking” Waddell is really freaking happy with Kirk, Tanner and Jade become BF and GF (with Tanner acting a hair too intense about taking things “to the next level” considering their relationship is approx. 2 weeks old, but I don’t know, maybe I’m just jealous); Ashley S. and Nick go on a sexy massage date (“this is definitely increasing my sensuality”) where they get drunk on tequila, make out, and Ashley tells Nick “I’ll always be your sister here”; and Jared mostly stays in his room to avoid Ashley I. Speaking of which:

Ashley I: 4 times

Jared does the noble thing and “breaks up” with Ashley I., with whom he has shared a total of two deeply uncomfortable kisses. Jared pretends it’s because he’s not over Kaitlyn, last season’s Bachelorette, rather than admitting the truth, which is that Ashley’s emotional development peaked in 5th grade and she is somehow, despite being one of the prettiest women there, about as sexually appealing as a fork.

“I love getting along with you, but I just don’t knows if our chemistry is what I’m looking for,” he tells Ashley, and honestly, is Jared maybe a Martian? If someone tried to end things with me using that astounding word salad, I would be like, “Cool, I’m actually scared of you now so this works out.” Unfortunately, Ashley does not take the high road, moaning that “he was too perfect” and “I’m going to be ruined forever,” which is kind of a funny thing for a noted virgin to say (sorry!). She tries to commiserate with Joe about their respective breakups, which is a letdown for her because Joe doesn’t really have feelings beyond lust and hatred, and she later calls Kaitlyn to demand, “What the fuck did you do to Jared?” to which Kaitlyn responds, “What?”

Juelia: twice

At the Rose Ceremony on night one, paradise was abuzz because Juelia “deserves to find love” but hadn’t locked down a rose, on account of the fact that Joe PLAYED HER like a VIOLIN. Juelia cried a few times about potentially leaving this humid enclave of sex and deceit, explaining that she is amazing wife material. After getting sent home—because JJ, inexplicably to everyone including Ashley S., gave Ashley S. his rose, and then announced he was leaving to get back together with the girl he broke up with to be on this TV show—along with Clare and Megan, Juelia is surprised to find Mikey, who came “all the way back from Chicago” (or a nearby hotel) to be with her.

Clearly, Juelia has had quite a bit of screentime this season, and while good ole’ drooling Joe’s take on the situation (“She’s the widow here for love, I’m so over it”) is a bit much, the Juelia saga has worn a little thin for me, okay?! Unfortunately, Juelia’s new love interest is a Jersey Shore nightmare who refers to himself as an “alpha male” and doesn’t like to get his hair wet, so I have a feeling that the producers are not quite done ruining her life yet.