Image via NBC/Today.

Many adults love to spend Halloween sitting on their rocking chairs and screaming that the holiday should be celebrated exclusively by children, and that adults shouldn’t be caught dead in a costume, but the hosts of daytime television programs are not among them. These people live for costumes. Halloween may very well be their favorite work day of the year.

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On the other hand, it could very well be part of their contracts to shove their bodies into whatever their network tells them to, smile bigger than normal, and pretend to be celebrating their favorite day of the year for one to four hours every Halloween morning.

Either way, we lose.


Today

The Today Show anchors followed up their horrific 2015 display of ill-conceived corporate synergy with a significantly more flattering theme: the ’90s! The gang was a little all over the place, but I enjoyed these looks. Though things got a little dicey when the anchors were asked to “perform” in character (Tamar/Al/Dylan’s Pretty Woman bit was more than a little painful), when viewed as a group photo, this was good clean fun.

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  • Tamron Hall: Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction AND Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman
  • My Precious Willie Geist: John Travolta in Pulp Fiction
  • Carson Daly: The Terminator
  • Kathie Lee Gifford: ’90s Regis Philbin
  • Hoda Kotb: ’90s Kathie Lee
  • Matt Lauer: Jerry Seinfeld in the puffy shirt
  • Savanna Guthrie: Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair
  • Al Roker: Steve Urkel
  • Dylan Dreyer: Baby Spice
  • Some Random Dog: a Beanie Baby
  • Jenna Bush Hager: Barbara Bush

BONUS:

  • Barbara Bush: a Common Witch

And here are a few close-ups.


Good Morning America

As a faithful Today Show viewer, I do my best to give the inferior team over at Good Morning America as little attention as possible. Acknowledging their existence would betray my close personal friends Willie, Tamron, Al, and Matt, but for the sake of this post, I must mention them. ABC’s theme was a nice counter to Today’s, and was strictly current and topical—by which I mean it was wholly unexciting.

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  • Michael Strahan: Pikachu
  • Robin Roberts: Ash
  • Gio Benitez: Jigglypuff
  • Lara Spencer: Alexander Hamilton
  • Jesse Palmer: Capta

And now, a better look.


The Talk

The best part about this assortment of “music legends” (that somehow includes Marilyn Monroe) is that it’s being billed as an event the public both remembers from 2015, and is clamoring for more of. In what world am I going to drop everything I’m doing to watch Sara Gilbert lip sync to a Cher song alongside Aisha Tyler in Lionel Richie drag?

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I mean, OK. Fine. I’ll drop one or two things. Not everything.

  • Sharon Osbourne: Marilyn Monroe
  • Sheryl Underwood: Little Richard
  • Julie Chen: Madonna
  • Sara Gilbery: Cher
  • Aisha Tyler: Lionel Richie

The Real

Honestly, this is my number one. The women of The Talk should win the unofficial Daytime TV Halloween Costume Awards for this. Halloween is a time for being repulsed by a barrage of death-related imagery, and Tamara, Loni, Adrienne, and Jeannie deserve so much respect for these four truly horrific zombie looks.

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  • Tamara Mowry: Undead Tamara Mowry
  • Loni Love: Undead Loni Love
  • Jeannie Mai: Undead Jeannie Mai
  • Adrienne Bailon: Undead Adrienne Bailon

Ellen

Ellen tweeted this image last night, calling it “half” of her Halloween costume. Frankly, I have no interest in seeing the other 50 percent.

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Ellen DeGeneres: Sia


Live With Kelly and ????

First of all, a Live With Kelly+Suicide Squad tie in is just Warner Brothers/ABC synergy, right? God, I hope so, because I really don’t want to believe Kelly chose this herself. Additionally, can we all start praying every day and night that Jerry O’Connell is not in the running for this job? They should leave the second seat empty for the rest of time. Picking random people to be her co-host every day could be fun for, oh, several years at least.

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  • Kelly Ripa: Harley Quinn
  • Jerry O’Connell: The Joker

The View

And now we’re standing face to face. Isn’t Halloween on daytime TV a crazy place? Just when I said the best had passed, I want and saved the worst for last. The ladies of The View chose cartoon characters for some reason, and provided daytime TV’s most nightmarish tableau of bad decisions.

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Let’s take some closer looks.

Whoopi Goldberg: Marge Simpson

No.

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Sunny Hostin: Dora the Explorer

I didn’t know Dora explored hell.

Jedediah Bila: Betty Boop

Nope nope-ty nope.

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Joy Behar: Joy

Anger.

Candace Cameron Bure as Tinker Bell

Put her in a cage like in Hook.

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Paula Faris: Twilight Sparkle

Neigh.

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Sara Haines: Smurfette

Smurf off.

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Raven-Symoné: Eric Cartman

Screw this post, I’m going home.