Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Troop Beverly Hills turns 25 this year, which is probably a quarter of the number of times I watched it as a child (exceeded only by the original Parent Trap, which is in my DNA now). So, naturally—in honor of this august occasion and because I've gone at least a decade without any Nefler the Muffler Man in my life—it was time for a re-watch!

Other than showcasing Shelley Long at peak Shelley Long, being something of a third-wave feminist manifesto (it's okay to care about nails AND have a family AND be a competent woods-woman AND have libidinous feelings toward your CPR instructor!), and teaching a generation of children who Pia Zadora is for no reason, Troop Beverly Hills's most important contributions to our cultural lexicon lie in the realm of fashion.

In short: SHELLEY LONG'S OUTFITS ARE A DEGREE OF BANANAS NOT MEASURABLE BY HUMAN INSTRUMENTATION.

So, in the interests of preservation and celebration, I ranked them. See below, and discuss.


31. Feelings Circle War Bonnet

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

We are all Mary Gross.


30. Original Wilderness Girls Peasant Smock

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Burn it.


29. No More Mr. Fun Mom Sensible Chico's Draped Cardigan

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

NAAAAAOOOOOOWWWWW!!!


28. Wilderness Girls Boring-Ass Unstructured Jacket Dress with Pith Helmet and Survival Ascot

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Moooooom, you're embarrassing us in front of Tori Spelling.


27. Snoozeville Polka Dot Jim-Jams

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Basic.


26. Depressed Evian Goth Sorceress

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

This is worse than the time Ronaldo said he'd give me a body wave.


25. Red Mandarin Emotions Blouse

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

This Face: The Shirt.


24. Wilderness Girls Shorts-Suit with Beige Socks and Militia Beret

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Long sleeves seem a little confining for the Freddie, imo.


23. Wilderness Girls Slightly Disheveled Morning After Silken Khaki Tie

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Pull yourself together, Nefler. You look like Josh Mankiewicz.


22. Wilderness Girls Pleated Stump Slacks

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Your legs look like big fingers.


21. Bowling-Themed Uncle Shirt Black Socks Casual

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Would wear.


20. Wilderness Girls Green Socks Casual Sweatshirt Wrap

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Those flats!!!!!!!!!!!!


19. Divorce Court Raffia Head Bandage

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

If I learned one thing from '80s movies it's that your divorced parents are definitely getting back together.


18. Wilderness Girls Cookie-Shilling Tart Pleats

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Cheap at even twice the price.


17. Sensible Sequined Shoulder-Pads Night Robe

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

NEEDS BIGGER EARRINGS.


18. Wilderness Girls OG Redesign with Green Satin Cape and My Heart Forever

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

A deathless classic.


17. Oversized Do-the-Freddie Bee Culottes with Bonus Sheer Nylons

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

NOT SHEER ENOUGH.


16. Wilderness Girls White Fur Coat and Embellished Pith Helmet

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

"They chopped down trees, wove their own cloth, and survived on berries and squirrel meat. And not once did they have to go to the bathroom."

"Must've been the squirrel meat."


15. Citrus-Harvesting One-Glove Zebra Bustle

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Nice of her to do Ho a solid and help out.


14. Wilderness Girls Maritime Formal Clown-Wear

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

"Silicone is buoyant."


13. IT'S MISSING A BEAD.

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

I SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT THIS SCENE ONCE PER DAY.


12. Alexandra the Grape

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Who wears gloves in L.A.!?!?!?!?


11. Wilderness Girls Power-of-Teamwork Jamboree Jodhpurs

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

I'm looking for a pair of pants that say, "What if my legs were shaped like two back-to-back basking sharks?"


10. Mauve Fur-Trimmed Camping Lingerie

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

LOOK AT YOU, YOU FUCKING MAGNIFICENT EMPRESS.


9. Yellow Big-Shorts

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Cab Calloway called. He wants his middle part back.


8. Tweed Mid-Calf Palazzo Sandwich Jumpsuit

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Yes.


7. Leg o' Mutton Minnie Mouse Shopping Peplum

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Yes.


6. Blossom Hat Power Clashing Body Prison

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

YES.


5. Wilderness Girls Gold-Plated Flight Attendant

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

A.k.a. "the Robin Leach Manty-Dropper."


4. Yellow Trench Tiny Top Hat with Pointless Bejeweled Talking Frog

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

NOT TINY ENOUGH!!!


3. Little Bo Peep Joint Custody Aquatic Paper Towel Wad

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

Iconic.


2. What Bird?

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked


1. Hot-Glue-Gunned Marzipan Picnic Shelter

Every Outfit Shelley Long Wears in Troop Beverly Hills, Ranked

THE PINNACLE OF HUMAN AUDACITY. THE WALKING-ON-THE-MOON OF CLOTHES. THIS IS ACTUALLY WHAT SHELLEY LONG LOOKS LIKE NAKED.