It’s December 24, which means families around the world are coming together to celebrate with food, drinks, gifts, and their favorite Christmas movies. Many of them will gather round the TV to watch Love Actually, a film beloved by all, but did you ever notice that it’s actually bad? If not, you’re in for a world of fucking pain, because I have some news about that movie you’re wrongly obsessed with.

Advertisement

First of all, Colin Firth is COMPLETELY miscast. The role should have gone to someone with a softer look. Someone less threatening, like the perpetually frightened substitute teacher you had no respect for in high school. Firth’s far too muscular for the role of Uncle Jamie, and the film suffers for it. He should have been wearing a frumpy sweater, not showing off his biceps and tight pecs in a TANK TOP!

And his wife? I’m sorry, but I don’t get why Jamie would travel all the way to Los Angeles, CALIFORNIA from London, ENGLAND to reconcile with some shitty woman who CHEATED ON HIM with his brother! Like, what?! Dump her, dude! Get over it! Move on! She’s no good for you! This movie’s representation of relationships makes absolutely NO sense and has NO basis in reality. Love actually? More like Love Not Really! Lmao!!

Advertisement

Speaking of “really,” I find myself saying it ALL THE TIME during Love Actually.

Like, when Uncle Jamie’s limo driver can’t tell he’s getting locked in the parking garage because his music is too loud.

Really?

Or when the Harry and Karl and the other employees of that place CONVENIENTLY show up to the Christmas party as Uncle Jamie is changing clothes in his shitty wife’s office.

Advertisement

Sponsored

REALLY?

It’s all tooooo neat and perfect for my taste, and we’ve only just begun!

OK. What’s next. Oh! Right! So Alan Rickman’s character, Harry, shows up to the Christmas party and is all, “Give me all those bank bonds!!!!” And I’m like, sis, you just cheated on GODDESS Emma Thompson and instead of going home and apologizing, you travel to LOS ANGELES (what is it with all these British people going to Los Angeles for Christmas, anyway) to steal $640 million in BEARER BONDS? If you can afford fancy jewelry for your mistresses, you don’t need $640 million in bearer bonds!!!!

Completely unbelievable—like MOST of this godforsaken dump.

Also unbelievable, Chiwetel Ejiofor as a bumbling American cop who has to save Uncle Jamie from Harry and his employees? Haha, sure man. All the prosthetics in the world can’t hide the fact that you’re CHIWETEL EJIOFOR under there. The casting in this movie was obviously done by just pulling random British celebs out of a hat because......what?

Anyway, so Uncle Jamie, whom everyone in the building seems to hate, is like, “Oh shit, I have to save my shitty wife from Harry and his employees,” but then Billy Mack and his best friend Joe or whatever are like, “NOT SO FAST.” So there’s a whole thing and then he blows them up because he hated that Christmas song.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Christmas movies don’t have to be this violent, dude!

But it’s SO violent. Love actually is all around? More like blood actually is all around!! Jamie is like, I’m gonna kill this German and I’m gonna kill that German and I’m gonna kill these Germans. Like, Jamie! Go back to Europe and propose to your Portuguese girlfriend you’ve never even spoken to already! Killing Germans isn’t going to get your wife back!

I feel like Richard Curtis was maybe trying to say SOMETHING about the complicated relationships between countries in the EU, but he went about it PRETTY sloppily.

Advertisement

And what is a guy like Colin Firth even doing SAYING “yippee ki-yay”? As if, Uncle Jamie!!!! Go back to England!

Ugh, this movie.

Advertisement

Once there are just three Germans left, Harry and Karl and Eddie, Uncle Jamie realizes that, to save his shitty wife, he’ll need to kill them, too. So they have some dumb gunfight (haha, Colin Firth with a gun), and THINKS he kills them all.

But, nope, just when Jamie and his shitty wife are leaving the building, they notice Karl made it out alive!

Karl surviving that shit was even more unbelievable than Laura Linney turning him down!

Advertisement

Anyway, blah blah blah, everyone dies but Uncle Jamie and his wife and Chiwetel Ejiofor in heavy prosthetics.

Sorry everyone, but Love Actually is bad! You should really be watching something better with your family tonight, like Die Hard!


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Images via screengrab.