Escaped Cobra Named Elvis Caught Behind Florida Woman's Dryer 

After a week on the loose in Orlando, like some out-of-control middle manager who’s really into Mickey Mouse, an escaped king cobra has been captured in a woman’s garage, behind her dryer. Condolances to anybody hoping for the ultimate matchup, escaped cobra vs. escaped python.

Click Orlando reports:

Officials said the woman was putting clothes in her dryer when she heard a hissing sound and discovered the snake. She called Orange County Animal Services, which retrieved the king cobra, named Elvis, and returned it to Kennedy.

“She didn’t know exactly what kind of snake it was,” Animal Services Senior Officer Billy Ledford said. “All she knew was that it was a very large snake. It was hissing underneath the dryer.”

Because if you’re from a snake-ridden state, you know that when you hear hissing and spot a big fucking pile of scales, you don’t ask questions. You drop everything and go get somebody who can do something about it. When animal services arrived, they discovered that they weren’t dealing another sumbitchin cottonmouth. And it was huge, too, said officer Jenifer Porter. “It was approximately 8 to 10 feet in length,” and “When it (raised) up, it was taller than me.”

Then they had trouble getting this reptilian critter into the cage:

“I attempted to put the snake in my snake box, but it was too large to fit,” said Ledford, who has extensive knowledge and experience handling exotic animals. “I put the snake in a cat cage. I then put the contained snake in a secondary soft carrier that I had in the truck, double-securing the snake.”

“ We just didn’t want it to get away and it started to get away and started to go into the house,” Porter said. “It was trying to go into the house. It was trying to go into the garage area and it was a little aggravating at that point in time.”

Eventually they got control of the snake and checked his microchip to confirm that he was the missing cobra, whose name is Elvis. You see, Elvis is essentially an exotic pet who got loose. In fact he belongs to Mike Kennedy,of the reality program Airplane Repo. Unless that is just a cover story and various unknown agents are attempting to terraform Florida into an Australia-like theme park where everything is trying to kill you all the time, which seems plausible, frankly.