Jezebel: End Of Days

Saddam Hussein Made Up That WMD Thing To Deter Invaders

Moe — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 18:40:31 EST

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So it turns out Saddam Hussein lied about having WMD so the rest of the Axis of Evil would leave him alone. [CBS News]

Editor's Note: Three of the Jezebels —...

Anna Holmes — Thu, 27 Sep 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Editor's Note: Three of the Jezebels — Moe, Tracie & Jennifer — are still gone, presumably still listening to a certain audaciously-hopeful Democratic presidential candidate try to hold forth on important issues while Tyra Banks quizzes him on his opinion of her hair weave, the best fall fashions, and which BBQ joints in Chicago have the best baby-back ribs. Dodai is gone because she has to get a bridesmaid dress altered, then get to bed (6am plane flight, Tampa, etc.). I'm going to a baseball game. All this is a way of saying: We're stopping a little earlier today, which, in my mind at least, will forever be known as the day that Barack Obama, the National League East and a bridesmaid dress broke the blog. More »

Fergie's Bodily Functions Strike Again

Jennifer — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Poor Fergie reportedly barfed all over herself while at the Minnesota State Fair. Maybe it was all the fried food on a stick? [Dlisted]

It's Official: Being A Woman Kinda Sucks (Except For The Love Of Kitties)

heather — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Every once in a while it becomes clear that in a lot of ways, being a woman is an unbelievably raw deal. As if it's not enough that once a month blood comes burbling out of our vaginas, as several articles in the news today attest, each stage of our lives tends to be accompanied by the looming threat of some kind of trauma. In your teens, you're plagued by acne, which causes boys not like you, which subsequently causes the kind of angst that leaves lasting scars, "mentally more so that physically," a dermatologist tells the Wisconsin Post-Crescent. You know what else leaves scars? When you're fondled by a filthy old man in dance class. More »

Today God's Creatures Opened Up A Can Of Whup-Ass

heather — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses committed by animals are considered especially heinous. "I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory told the Associated Press earlier today (or yesterday or maybe even tomorrow, because Australia is a day behind or forward, we can never remember which) when they discovered the body of a woman who had apparently been suffocated by a young camel she was keeping as a pet. In fact, the "guilty" plea entered by dog-abusing Atlantic Falcons quarterback Michael Vick today seems to have touched off a worldwide animal revenge spree, for today, no human was safe! First, there was the news that men who hunt deer are at higher risk for heart attack. (Karma's a bitch!) More »

Bush Daughter To Wed, Possibly Reproduce; Deluge Drowns Lone Star State

heather — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

This afternoon, from the Bush compound in Crawford, Texas, came the news that First daughter Jenna Bush and her boyfriend of two years, Karl Rove minion and Republispawn Henry Hager, are engaged and immediately, an angry rain threatened to overcome the entire state of Texas. Not that those incidents were related! Because unlike some people, we don't really believe there's guy in the sky who controls the weather. (Speaking of splashes, an over-the-top wedding does not a happy marriage make!) Anyway, if they manage to weather the storm, here's the shit Jenna and Henry can look forward to as they begin their life together: More »

Broadway Momentarily Un-Gay: Clay Aiken Musical Cancelled

Jennifer — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 19:00:00 EDT

Moe is being interrogated by El Al as I type this, which means that her stock market/foreign policy-illuminating "Evening Purge" will be on hiatus until she returns from The Homeland next week. (My homeland, she keeps telling me. Not hers. Whatevs.) And so, back by not popular demand, my Bush-hating, animal-loving "End of Days"! Anyway, enjoy, peeps!

A musical about the life and times of Clay Aiken and his obsessive fans is no longer bound for Broadway. [TMZ]

Go And See The Simpsons Movie Already, Guys!

Moe — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 19:04:53 EDT

Now that we have all these people working for Jezebel who actually wake up on time to do their posts the end-of-day roundup of shit we didn't get to during the work day falls upon me. Think of it as a daily purge. I suggest you stay around at work waiting for it because you will be the most informed person at happy hour and that's a good way of making up for being the most drunk. So without further ado, good evening. The Dow, Nasdaq and S&P 500 are all starting to recover from the horrible blow that was the iPhone's merely preposterous and not universe-altering sales, and this and this were all I found looking for smutty ticker symbols to celebrate the twin blessings of a healthy market and National Orgasm week. Okay, so! More »

The Sad, Sorry, Dog Days Of Summer

Jennifer — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 18:55:54 EDT

Jake, one of the many specially-trained canines involved in the rescue of victims of both 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina, has died of cancer, possibly as a result of toxins inhaled while working at Ground Zero. Wonder if Rudy Giuliani or Christine Todd Whitman will be sending condolence cards? [MSNBC]

Bunnies & Kitties & Squid, Oh My

Jennifer — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 19:00:29 EDT

Nursing-home kitty Oscar the Cat (aka 'The Grim Reaper' of felines) is predicting nursing-home deaths at a facility in Rhode Island with almost 100% accuracy. [Breitbart]

Eddie Murphy Is Loyal — 'Til You Have His Baby

Jennifer — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 19:55:41 EDT

Eddie Murphy is on crack if he thinks a little bling is enough to convince the world that he treats his girlfriends well. Um, remember that you fathered and denied, Eddie? [People.com]

Eva Mendes Doesn't Have To Hate Herself 'Cause She Knows She's Hot

Jennifer — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 18:36:08 EDT

Aw! Eva Mendes says it's easy to get all "critical" of yourself when you're on the red carpet but that she doesn't let herself "fall into that" — but that's she also "thankful" for her "nice physique"! Pretty sad if this counts as having positive body image nowadays. [People]

Things That May Or May Not Surprise You: We Don't Like Bush, We Do Like Harry Potter

Jennifer — Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:45:05 EDT

Harry Potter! Yup, we pre-ordered our copy of the last-ever Harry Potter book. And we get to pick it up at 12:01 am tonight. We're super nervous about what's going to happen, too. We think that Snape isn't evil though. But we have a sneaking suspicion Harry is going to die. And we will be reading it all weekend to find out. No judgments, please.

Bill Clinton: Come Write With Us

Jennifer — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:35:41 EDT

Bill Clinton has begun blogging! Just like us! We wonder if he'll do hungover Friday tomorrow too! [Clinton Foundation]

Oprah Pushing The Finding-A-Moral Agenda A Little Too Hard

Jennifer — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 18:55:29 EDT

Oprah's golden retriever Gracie died in May after an unfortunate choking incident and still Oprah is talking about it, only now she's putting that Oprah-branded spin on it saying that Gracie's death was really a hidden message that she needed to slow down and take more time to appreciate her own life. Seriously, we don't even have a response to this. [USA Today]

We Wish We'd Bought A 'Free Winona' T-Shirt Way Back When

Jennifer — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 19:05:10 EDT

Winona Ryder is speaking out now about her shoplifting. Honestly? No one gives a shit. [People]

Simpsons Graffiti On Pagan Fields: Cute, But Where's Homer's Cock?

Jennifer — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 19:00:22 EDT

We were feeling kinda blue today. Then we saw this. [Boing Boing]

Britney As Whitney? God Help Us.

Jennifer — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 18:45:56 EDT

Britney Spears to star in remake of The Bodyguard! Oh wait, phew. Joke! [Best Week Ever]

R.I.P. Lady Bird

Jennifer — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 19:10:13 EDT

America's best-monikered First Lady, Lady Bird Johnson, died this afternoon at the age of 94. She was one of the first people (sorry, Al!) to bring environmentalism center-stage. [CBS News]

Our Faith In God Continues To Dwindle If Tori Spelling Is Now A Minister

Jennifer — Tue, 10 Jul 2007 19:05:17 EDT

Tori Spelling has become a minister. Proving what we have been telling y'all for round about a week now: God is dead. [USA Today]

Men Make Women Do The Darndest Things

Jennifer — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 19:18:18 EDT

We still don't understand why, in love triangles involving two women and one man, the women usually hate one another but the man gets off scot-free. Anyway, it turns out that astronaut Lisa Nowak ended up driving hundreds of miles and pepper-spraying her love rival because she just wanted to talk to her. [CNN]

And Again We Say: Paris Hilton Must Be Stopped

Jennifer — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 18:40:45 EDT

We said it eight hours ago and we'll say it again: God is dead. Because Paris Hilton has a Teen Choice Award nomination. [TMZ]

Al Gore Not Running For President, Son In Rehab: Coincidence? We Think Not

Jennifer — Thu, 05 Jul 2007 19:15:28 EDT

Al "I'm The Man Who Was Elected President, But Whatever I'm A Movie Star Now" Gore has "fallen out of love" with politics, he says. And thus will not be running for president... again. If this is true, what a drama queen! If this isn't true, what an even bigger drama queen! Simmer down, Al! (And if you need some help with that, we're sure your son has some pills that could help.) [CNN]

Christina Aguilera To Bring "Dirrty", "Beautiful" Babe Into The World

Jennifer — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 19:15:53 EDT

Christina Aguilera is in the family way! Just like with a genie in a bottle, her husband rubbed her the right way. The baby-making way. [E!]

No Jail For Libby, No Hot Wife For Salman, and Pam Anderson Lived To See 40: What Kind Of A World Do We Live In?

Jennifer — Mon, 02 Jul 2007 18:59:02 EDT

There is no justice in the world: President Bush has commuted Scooter Libby's jail sentence. [MSNBC]

If Jezebel Was A 'Simpsons' Character She Might Look Like This

Jennifer — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 19:28:08 EDT

There's a Simpsons character-generator available on the website to promote the Simpsons movie (out in just 4 weeks!). This is what we think Jezebel would look like. [SimpsonsMovie]

Isaiah Washington Needs To Stick A Sock — Or Some Other Implement — In It

Jennifer — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 19:10:11 EDT

Isaiah Washington — for the love of God — please keep your mouth shut. The latest from everyone's favorite fired homophobe? That ABC lied when saying that he had gone to rehab since "there is no rehab for homophobia." (Thanks to Slut Machine for this awesome graphic.) [People]

Oprah Winfrey Really Is Taking Over The World

Jennifer — Wed, 27 Jun 2007 19:06:05 EDT

Does she not have enough money already? Oprah Winfrey is opening her own store. [Hollywood Reporter]

This Is Your Cornfield On Coke

Jennifer — Tue, 26 Jun 2007 19:45:07 EDT

What happens when you're high on coke and eluding cops in a cornfield? Some maize-y shit! [Daily Mail]

Lohan To Rejoin Her Coke-Filled Community One 12-Step At A Time

Jennifer — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 19:07:29 EDT

Lindsay Lohan signs up for a Promises outpatient program designed to enable her to "transition" back into her "community"...of cokehead pseudo-socialites. [People.com]

George Clooney: White Knight To Rich Folk Vacationing in Italy

Jennifer — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 19:15:28 EDT

George Clooney, champion of rich folk with vacation homes everywhere!, protests new construction developments in a small Northern Italian town. Where he has a home. Because he fears the new developments...would turn it into a tourist trap? And then his pretty movie star home wouldn't be a pretty movie star home any more. Boo hoo. [USA Today]

Wedding Bells, Not Bumps, For Moss And Doherty?

Jennifer — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 18:58:09 EDT

Is a bridal line in Kate Moss's future? Her boyfriend, supposedly sober Pete Doherty, says that if he can stay clean, he hopes to marry Moss this summer. We say there's as good a chance of that happening as there is our voting for Giuliani in 2008. [Yahoo News]

John Travolta Can Blow Us. Really.

Jennifer — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:59:19 EDT

John Travolta goes all Tom Cruise and says to 'just say no' to psychiatric drugs. Believe us, we've tried. And all that happened was a lot of crying and a lot of weight-gain. [ABC News]

Calling Britney 'Crazy': A Way To Keep Our Jobs? Or Lose Them? So Confused

Jennifer — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 19:05:22 EDT

Apparently posting up photos of Britney Spears and labeling her "crazy" is illegal. Does this mean we're part of some sort of underground economy? [E!]

Isaiah Washington Should Maybe Not Feel Quite So Sorry For Himself

Jennifer — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 18:55:07 EDT

Shamed and fired former Grey's Anatomy cast member/homophobe Isaiah Washington tells the media he is getting by post-ousting by staying focused on his "day-to-day" life. And somewhere in prison Paris Hilton gets to call "First World Problems" for the very first time in her life. [People.com]

Why Do We Always Cry More For The Animals?

Jennifer — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 19:46:14 EDT

The dolphin calf born to a deaf mother five days ago died earlier this afternoon as a result of respiratory problems. [CNN]

Even Britney Thinks Lohan Needs To Pull It Together

Jennifer — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 19:10:48 EDT

It's like American Idol but better! Cast your votes now for what Britney Spears's new album should be titled; all options (including one mocking Lindsay Lohan) are available for your voting pleasure on Brit's website. [ABC News]

The Drinks Are On MK And Ashley Tonight

Jennifer — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 19:10:11 EDT

Happy 21st birthday Mary Kate and Ashley! Yup, as of today, the Olsen twins are legally able to imbibe both Red Bull and vodka. Now go throw up an extra-special birthday dinner girls — you deserve it! [Olsen Twins 21st Birthday Countdown]

Everyone — rulers out! A new study says that math skills can be determined by the ratio of the ring finger to index finger. We tried to calculate our own ratio, but... we're so bad at math we couldn't. [ScienceNow]

Random public service announcement: Grapes and raisins cause kidney failure in dogs. And yes, we checked. [TheKnot.com]

Sir Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the Internet, was given England's highest honor, the Order of Merit, by Queen Elizabeth today. Wait a second. Rewind. Didn't Al Gore invent the Internet??? [BBC]

While touring Australia, the Dalai Lama met with Bindi Irwin, the 9-year old daughter of the late Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin. What, is an audience with The Pope next? [CNN]

Don "Mr. Wizard" Herbert died last night at the age of 89. We learned more about science from him during our television-viewing days during the mid-80's than we ever did in school. [CNN] More »

If You Feel The Tag Rubbing Against Your Breasts, You've Got The Damn Dress On Backwards

Jennifer — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 18:49:37 EDT

Oh, Britney, Britney, Britney. Front, back. Front, back. We know: It's complicated! [People.com]

Will Bono Ever Find The Humanitarian Cause He Is Looking For?

Jennifer — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 18:40:00 EDT

Because the continent of Africa is not enough, Bono has founded a nonprofit to ensure that our next president makes poverty a key item on his (or her!) agenda. Seriously, is there anything bigger than this guy's heart? Besides maybe his collection of "funky" sunglasses? [CNN]