• Paris Hilton may act like she cares about her pets but really she only cares about Paris Paris Paris — and her neighbors totally see right through that bitch. [Page Six]

Welcome to "Crap Email From A Dude," a Jezebel public service campaign in which we run actual emails, in all their ellipses-laden glory, from actual dudes. Because they are actual, we do not provide identifying characteristics, although we've furnished this lovely picture for visual inspiration (suffice it to say, the author is an emosogynist of "gargantuan" proportions).The beauty of the crap email, as you'll see below, is the fundamental dishonesty couched in its I've-been-nothing-but-straightforward-with-you veracity, the inconsistency that professes itself to be consistent, and well basically the sense that the sender's own self-regard inures him to the idea that he might, yeah, just be a pretty standard-grade douche. Enjoy!