With the Republican National Convention looming, Donald Trump, our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots, needs to corral supporters who will stimulate the crowd. Unfortunately for him, some of the party’s most popular members plan to steer clear of the event.


According to The AP, George H.W. Bush and George W. Bush—the two living former GOP presidents—as well as Mitt Romney and John Kasich will all skip this year’s convention. These significant absences are especially foreboding when one considers the convention’s role in strengthening the ties that bind the party.

So, who might actually be there? Boxing promoter Don King tells AP, “I’m going to be involved, definitely...[Trump] is my man. I love him. He’s going to be the next president.”

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight are also both tentatively slated to attend, although neither has confirmed. On the squarely political front, former House speaker Newt Gingrich is likely to deliver a speech, and Ted Cruz—former presidential rival and possessed muppet—is allegedly vying for time at the podium. (LOL.) Trump also intends to enlist his family as speakers.

“My children are all going to be speaking: Ivanka, Tiffany, Don, Eric. They’re going to be speaking,” Trump said at the Western Conservative Summit in Denver. “My wife is going to be speaking at the convention. We’re going to have a great time.”


Ultimately it sounds like an exercise in showmanship. But some view Trump’s route as the savvier one.

“Trump understands that if he can appeal to consumer America, he drowns political America,” Gingrich explains to AP. Besides, a member of the Trump family recently assured the former Speaker, “We know how to do conventions.”



That settles it, then. Trump’s convention should be a tasteful and unifying affair — no question.

Image via Getty.