On Thursday, we asked you to show us your grimmest sexts, and dear God, did you deliver. You’ve been on the receiving end of some horrifyingly unsexy propositions, sent some truly unsuccessful innuendos, participated in some conversations that just, on the whole, make our nether regions shrivel into the driest of dust and blow clean away. (Thanks a lot, we needed those.)
In place of our usual Grim Yelp, we present Grim Sexts, Volume 1. Gird your loins. Seriously.
Foiled Again by Autocorrect
At Least This One Worked?
“I know I’m not the most handsome guy, but I bet I’d look a lot better with your pussy juice all over my face.”
He was right on both accounts. I’m calling this the “smoke em if you got em” phase of my sex life.
Not Bad for a First-Timer, Though
When my boyfriend and I first got together we used to get off on sexting each other from our jobs because it felt extra dirty. A co-worker asked once what I was doing so often with my phone, and when I told her she said she’d always wanted to text her BF something dirty but felt too shy. After a pep talk to boost her confidence she fired off a text and proudly held her phone out to me and said “Look!”
The text said “I can’t wait to see you later and mash my crotch against your face.”
I told her maybe sexting just wasn’t her thing and to check with me next time before she used the word “crotch” to be sexy.
Just Some Sexy, Sexy Sports Talk
Seriously, Just Tell Us What It Said
I have a strong personal need to know:
Accidentally put an exclamation point at the end of a sentence that needed a question mark. I can’t be any more specific but trust me, that punctuation error turned sexy into alarming.
Very Solid Response
Too Much Family Togetherness
In negotiations for a threesome with my current male lover we had a plan whereby I was having a promising third man (who is bi) over. I was to warm him up to the idea and then invite lover #1 over. I wrote: “He is adorable. I can’t wait to have you both inside me.” And then sent it to my 24yr old daughter.
If You Look Up “Too Soon” in the Dictionary
Me: Happy birthday! Hope you have a wonderful day!
Him: Thank you!
Him: Do you have any girlfriends that want to do a threesome?
I’d known this guy less than a week.
Marriage Seems Chill
From a submitter who explains, “This isn’t exactly ‘grim’ but basically this is what hubby and I text each other every day when we’re in different parts of the house.”
Cloudy With a Chance of Unwelcome
Ran into an ex, had a nice chat. Sat down the next morning to a cup of coffee, my phone buzzed and it was a picture of his junk post masturbation, all red and gross with the caption “Cloudy with a chance of rain.”
I threw my phone across the room. Hours later he wrote “So you’re not going to respond?”
I said, “I haven’t finished laughing at you yet.”
No. No. No.
This one prompted an immediate, audible chorus of “Oh no”’s from much of the Jezebel staff.
Never has a semi-promising conversation gone so quickly south (bitter pun very much intended.)
That was... memorable. One might even say “scarring.” We’ll spend the weekend weeping in a darkened room and bring you volume two on Monday.
Send us more grim, sexy submissions here. (Once again: no dicks whatsoever, please.)