Dolly Parton Will Not Tell Miley Cyrus To Stop Doing Anything

Has anyone out there reading this on the Internet ever heard of this Miley Cyrus person? I think she may have been on the teevee a ways back. Well, she's mostly important because Dolly Parton is talking about her.

Dolly, as you well know if you get the Dollywood Lifetime Member Fan Club Newsletter as some of us super-elite media players do, is Miley's godmother. In case you're wondering if Dolly is going all godSMOTHER on Miley, the answer is a resounding nope, kthanx.

Dolly tells the London Evening Standard:

“I don’t think people really realize yet what a great singer and writer she really is.”

Parton insisted she did not need to give Cyrus career advice, saying: “She’s just trying to find her own place and wings and learn to fly."

Wait, but for real Dolly, you don't have umpteen thousand things to say about how she dresses, what she sings, her tongue, what she tweets, what she is photographed doing, what she eats for dinn—

I know that she has thought this all through. We’ll let her go and do her own thing....If she needs my opinion on something I will surely give it and there have been times we've talked.

But I would never dream of calling her and saying, 'Well why are you doing this?' or, 'You shouldn't do this or that.'

Dolly, I think I speak for the rest of America, if not all human beings or entities composed of the precise cellular combinations that form sentient life YOU CAN TELL US WHAT TO DO ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Seriously. I'm fairly certain my life would be infinitely better than it currently is (dude, the only way to go is up on this one) if I had Dolly Parton life coaching me. Because you know Dolly would life coach the shit out of you. A weekend with Dolly and I bet my credit rating would probably go up 350 points.


  • This article is an interview with the real Gwyneth Paltrow. As opposed to the cyborg clone controlled by the Lizard People we've all come to know over the years, I guess. [RedOnline]
  • Don't pay money for Oprah's crap, says Oprah. AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T DO WHAT OPRAH SAYS. [TMZ]
  • The moment that the greatest philosophers and spiritual leaders of the past 5,000 years promised us would bring about a great universal awakening has finally arrived. All hail the coming of the new dawn. [TMZ]
  • Aww, Ex-N'Snyc-er Chris Kirkptatrick got married! Congratulations! Meanwhile, you in 2002 is still muttering 'Justin and I will be together someday, Justin and I will be together someday, Justin and I will be together someday, Justin and I will be together someday,' under your breath as your father complains about how messy you keep your room. [Just Jared]
  • Shania Twain will have the glorious honor of being on a Canadian stamp. Meanwhile, Corey Hart can glory in the fact that the house I grew up in still has "I <3 Corey Hart" carved into the wall of the master bedroom closet. [Taste of Country]
  • Uhhh, Zoe Saldana sold something called a 'panty-dropping' palace. I was trying to figure out what makes it 'panty-dropping,' but apparently any place that has a lot of granite and neutral tones is 'panty-dropping,' I guess. Because, see, panties contain a magnetic-like element that are powerfully attracted to muted surfaces and vaulted ceilings and your panties will just rip themselves off and fly right out from between your legs if you get too close to said interior decorating elements. [Celebuzz]
  • BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING two people in a relationship who are having a baby together actually kissed and touched BREAKING BREAKING BREAKING [People]
  • I'm sorry, Dirt Bag is cancelled today because I just died looking at this picture of Emile Hirsch and his little teeny tiny babeh. [E Online]
  • Shout-out to my comic book fans: Bill Willingham is 'semi-retiring' and will end Fables after almost ten years. [IGN]
  • MINI BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER YOU GUISE [Daily Mail]
  • True story: When Lana Del Rey turned down Kanye West's offer to sing at his wedding proposal, he asked Tony Orlando and Dawn. [Radar Online]
  • Everything about Corey Feldman's sit-down interview with HuffPo is amazing, period. Read/watch them all. [Huffington Post]
  • Before you react to this article about George Clooney being 'questioned' about a sexual relationship with Katie Holmes, remind yourself that he is exactly as old now as Wilford Brimley was when he starred in 'Cocoon.' And now please picture the ever-gracious Mr. Brimley talking about a 'rumored' sex affair with Tom Cruise's ex-wife. Annnnd you're welcome. [Metro]
  • Slightly off the normal Dirt Bag round up fodder, but you really cannot miss this incredible NPR interview from 2011 with the late, great Hal Needham, legendary action movie director and close friend of a certain near-and-dear someone. [NPR]

Oh, Halloween came and went and you still don't know that MC Hammer sang the theme to The Addams Family? Christina Ricci is seriously side-eyeing you right now.

Image via Getty Images