Let’s take a look at the people who really defined the year.
There is currently, alive in the world, a bulldog named Boof who looks exactly like John Travolta. Once you see Travolta’s wide, slightly crossed eyes and overeager demeanor in canine form, the world will honestly start to make a bit more sense. I believe John Travolta is a warlock.
Jenny The Republican Turkey
In honor of Thanksgiving this year, GOP presidential candidates Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorina, and Ben Carson all participated in a “funny” video where they pretended to pardon a turkey, just like the real president. The turkey in question was pissed. Legs clamped down tightly by a pair of disembodied human hands, she was nonetheless flapping all over the place, and was having none of Carly’s coos. “Fuck literally all of y’all,” she said with her eyes.
You can’t actually see this cat in the grainy Associated Press video provided, but you don’t really need to in order to get a feel for his/her unbreakable spirit. Said cat was accompanying some overconfident Frenchman in a tiny sailboat on the freaking rough seas of south Alaska, who became stranded and had to leap from his boat to a rescue boat with the cat tucked into his sweater. This cat has seen some shit.
Joanna Krupa Painted to Look Like an Orca
Joanna Krupa, a model and Real Housewife, is always willing to participate in PETA’s more embarrassing campaigns. In this campaign encouraging people to boycott SeaWorld, her naked bod was painted and photoshopped to resemble an orca in a fishbowl. Love that!
Bubba the Student Cat
This extremely lovable and studious cat was given an honorary school ID card at Leland High School in San Jose for being such a cute orange smartypants. He loves the lockers. He loves the football field. He loves the whole vibe of school, man. All humans should be as committed to learning as Bubba, who I want to hug.
This One Bear
I’d hug this little bear too, if it weren’t for the fact that I’d likely die soon after. The bear’s nonstop wrestle with a backyard hammock is the perfect life metaphor ever and a future inspirational poster of mine. The bear falls. It gets back up. It falls. It gets back up. And so on…
Rabies notwithstanding, the reason I love this cat who scratched up various residents of a small New York town is that not only does it look like my cat Jewel, but it’s almost as calculating. Would I want to come face-to-face with it? Not really. Being attacked by a feline isn’t funny. But sometimes cats feel aggravated and need a release.
Big Ass Lizard
Lizards should never be this huge (it’s just wrong), and yet here we have this ridiculous Jurassic lizard existing in the world for (in my opinion) no scientific reason. It’s the best because it’s the worst.
Miss P, a four-year-old beagle from British Columbia, was literally awarded best dog at the Westminster Dog Show this year, so obviously she has earned her spot on this list. I love her because even though she is a legacy dog (her grand-uncle Uno won the show in 2005), she didn’t let it get to her head. She still kept her head down, did the work, and emerged triumphant, the cutest little dog there is.
Jezebel didn’t write about this strong hippo which is totally crazy because this hippo is so great. This hippo opens her mouth because she is hungry, and then a nice person puts an entire watermelon in it, and then she closes her mouth and the watermelon is just smushed. She is great because she could do that to our heads but she has a taste for fruit!
Tiny Baby Polar Bear
It’s so crazy to think that I only met this little girl a few days ago, and she’s already such an important part of my life. She is only six weeks old, but she already dreams and makes little contented beeping noises and can roll around on her own. Wow, I would shoot myself into space for her.