The Real Housewives of New York is back with a new slew of terrible tag lines (including “Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend; martinis are!” and “A Jew and an Asian walk into a bar...and then they had me!”), proving once again that RHONY is not just the branch of the cherished franchise that we most want—it’s also the branch of the franchise we most need.
Perhaps nothing demonstrates the puzzling greatness of New York more than this conversation, found in Wednesday’s Season 8 premiere, between Countess LuAnn and Sonja Morgan about Lu’s first nation ancestry and...well...blow jobs.
(For context, LuAnn was staying with Sonja because they’re both lonely now with their kids out of the house and that’s what grown women do.)
LuAnn: I have a date tonight.
Sonja: You do? Hm.
Sonja: You’re not bringing him back here like we do on vacation—not in my daughter’s bed.
LuAnn: Listen, I wasn’t going to stay the night. I just came to ask you—I can go to a hotel. I thought it would be more fun to stay here [with you].
Sonja: Yeah, stay here.
Sonja: I thought I had American Indian in my background because of my cheekbones and my mom always said that. So my sister just had a DNA—
Sonja: And it’s just English-Welsh. Did you ever do DNA?
LuAnn: I did. I did. And they traced it back to Eskimo and—
Sonja: You were an Eskimo? No wonder you want to go out at night. [Author’s note: What?]
LuAnn: Apparently—I went to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned as a teenager and she said, “You know, you have two bones behind your front teeth that the Eskimos have.”
Sonja: What do Eskimo teeth look like? Walrushes? Or a walrus? [Author’s note: What?]
LuAnn: Two bones right behind my front teeth.
Sonja: Like Eskimo teeth?
LuAnn: Feel it.
Sonja: Holy shit. You got extra teeth! How do you give blow jobs with those things?
LuAnn: Very carefully.
Honestly, Shakespeare could only DREAM of writing dialogue so intriguing. Is this a one act play? Can I nominate it for a Drama Desk Award? How do you “do” a DNA? Why do these two loons think the term “Eskimo teeth” is an okay thing to say? What does “Eskimo teeth” even mean?
I can, at the very least, answer that last question (though all else pertaining to Lu and Sonja must remain a mystery).
What LuAnn is referring to is a talon cusp, “a rare dental anomaly in which a cusp-like mass of hard tissue protrudes from the cingulum area of maxillary or mandibular anterior teeth.” Talon cusps are usually found on people of Asian descent—including Native Americans and the Inuit and Yupik people.
Look at them on Google Images and you’ll find that most talon cusps are not big or obstructive enough to interfere with blow jobs—so hunker down on that D, LuAnn! And Sonja—please learn that being Inuit does not mean that you have “walrus” teeth or that you like going outside at night. Or not. You’re a crazy precious pearl who lives in her own world and why change now?