Diarrhea Outbreak Found to Be Linked to Hot Tubs and Pools

Remember when hot tubs used to be associated with images of 80’s-style sexiness? Well now you can associate them with diarrhea. The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention recently released a report detailing outbreaks of the creepy-sounding cryptosporidium, a microscopic parasite that causes the runs, which people can acquire by frolicking in hot tubs and pools. The sexy times are over, people.

According to Time, incidents of the illness has increased greatly since it was first detected in 1988, with the United States experiencing 90 outbreaks between 2011 and 2012. To avoid catching a case of hot tub ‘rhea, the CDC recommends the following tips, which you can easily turn into a song or haiku:

Stay out of the water if you have diarrhea.

Shower before you get in the water.

Don’t pee or poop in the water.

Don’t swallow the water.

Hear that people? No nasty dookie asses allowed in hotel hot tubs. I guess when I finally make my way to a heart-shaped hot tub in the Poconos, I’ll bring rubber gloves and disinfectant to cleanse it beforehand and make sure any guests of mine take Imodium before joining me in my dream jacuzzi.