Deer Birth Control is Coming, So Look Out for Debauched Deer Orgies

THANKS, OBAMA: our hard-earned tax dollars are now going towards supplying the wanton deer of the New York City suburbs with whore pills. (Side note: if anyone is interested, I’m amenable to developing The Wanton Deer of the New York City Suburbs as a new Real Housewives-esque franchise).

Anyways, now the doe population can continue to fornicate all through the temperate deciduous forest, regardless of whether or not their fellow Americans agree with their lifestyle choices. According to the New York Times, Hastings-on-Hudson, NY, mayor Peter Swiderski is implementing experimental immunocontraception (a process that uses an animal’s own immune system to prevent it from fertilizing offspring) in order to combat deer overpopulation — a huge problem in suburban New England, where deer-related car accidents are becoming increasingly common and Lyme disease dangerously rampant. Also they are eating all the tulips.

Mayor Swiderski tried to encourage a few methods before settling on contraception, including hunting (impractical and dangerous) and netting the deer and then sending them to a slaughterhouse (a cruel method that resulted in a doctored photograph of Swiderski with a Hitler mustache making rounds on the Internet). Quoting the famous old adage, he notes that anti-deer-murder sabotage is easy: “It only takes a few people with vials of coyote urine to drive the deer away.” What can’t a few people with vials of coyote urine accomplish?

Thus was the genesis of a contraceptive vaccine for the hooved forest creatures of Hastings-On-Hudson, which has a deer population that’s about 15 times larger than it should be. Experts estimate that, through humane birth control methods, the population can be reduced by half over five years. The program is estimated to cost $30,000 for the first two years, and an animal rights group has already donated $12,000 to the effort. DOES THIS MEAN WE ARE PAYING THE DEER TO HAVE EXTRAMARITAL SEX, LIKE PROSTITUTES? TALK ABOUT “DEER JOHN”; MORE LIKE “HOE, A DEER”, etc. Please feel free to leave a deer slut-shaming one-liner of your own in the comments below.