Kim Davis, we need to talk: you, my friend, are at the end of your fifteen minutes and soon—like next week—no one will care about you, your important beliefs, or why you wear so many layers when Kentucky is literally hotter than hell on a good day.

Bigotry’s gotten you as far as it’s going to take you and, although it was a fun ride, you’re really going to have to act fast if you want to stay the media sweetheart that you’ve become. That’s why I urge you to consider The Dogfart Network’s very generous offer to pay you $500,000 and take your entire family (including your dog-stealing daughter, probably) on an all-expenses paid vacation in return for starring in an interracial lesbian sex scene for Zebragirls.com. (I know the website name has problems, but you’re no stranger to controversy, friend!)

Have you seen their press release? In case you haven’t, here it is:

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With all the controversy surrounding Rowan County, Kentucky clerk Kim Davis’ refusal to issue same sex marriage licenses even after the Supreme Court of the United States made same sex marriage the law of the land, The Dogfart Network which is the leading online destination for Adult Interracial content is offering the Holy Kim Davis a chance at redemption.

The undisputed kings of interracial porn are dangling $500k to star in a scene for their site ZebraGirls.com, which is one of 23 sites in the companies vast Adult Entertainment Empire. ZebraGirls.com specializes in Lesbian Interracial Erotica.

“We here at Dogfart have always believed in equality. We have interracial sites, gay sites, straight sites, and we think Kim Davis has been appalling,” said a Dogfart Spokesman. “We are giving her a chance at a redemption. We are willing to drop half a million bucks for Kim to come out to our studio and shoot an Interracial Lesbian scene for our network.”

The offer will stand for the next week. She is also welcome to bring her family with her on an all expense paid vacation.

I know, Kim, that you may be feeling trepidatious about this. You’ve been a God-fearing Christian for the past four years and you don’t want to do anything that might make the good lord—or the fine people who support you—angry, but I guarantee you that these are some of the same people who enjoy nothing more than a little interracial action after a long day of fighting against civil rights and equality in the name of religion. They may not pay for it on the regular, but they will definitely pay to watch you perform the horizontal mambo with a female performer of your choice (as long as they work with Dogfart and are not white).

Here are several reasons why you should absolutely take the offer:

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  • $500,000 is like seven years of your salary being paid. That means that even if you decide to quit being the county clerk because you refuse to do your job (I’d quit before they impeach you to save face, TBH), you can basically take almost a decade off to spend time with your children and your husband Joe, who, if you don’t mind me saying so, looks damn authentic in a pair of dirty overalls and a fisherman’s hat. You won’t ever have to work in that office with those traitors Missy and Brian ever again, and no one will give you dirty looks as you march self-righteously into the building. You can even move, if you want to! There’s a county in Tennessee right now debating whether they should make a resolution to apologize to God for gay marriage and I’m sure they would be happy to have you.
  • You’ve said many times in the past that you’re not against homosexuals, just signing off on their right to marry. What better way to prove that your religious beliefs aren’t homophobic, then, by starring in a film in which you have relations with another woman? It could be the first step of your redemption in the eyes of the American public, and, if you’re worried that this same public will laugh at and mock you, let me put your mind at ease: they’re already doing all that. But for free. Imagine how amazing you’d feel knowing that those idiot liberals are working themselves into a froth while you’re sitting pretty on half a million bucks you made working for about a day.
  • This could be your opportunity to bring jumpers back into the world of adult filmmaking. While they were popular in the seventies (along with rompers, which you could also bring back if you’d like), they’ve been mysteriously gone from mainstream adult entertainment for some time now, replaced by things like bustiers and Victoria’s Secret lingerie. But let’s be real here, neither of those options provide as much support or confidence as a nice jumper does. And you have them in so many colors! Perhaps the other performer can wear one, too! Sales would skyrocket and suddenly you’d see yourself not only as America’s favorite bigot and adult entertainment industry, but possibly the spokesmodel for a jumper manufacturing company that holds an exclusive contract with Chico’s or even, and I’m just spitballing here, Walmart, where your picture would grace display after display of colorful jumpers situated in the coveted retail space right next to the t-shirts with the words ‘don’t tread on me’ and ‘these colors don’t run’ emblazoned upon them in bold red, white, and blue. (You can’t see me right now, Kim, but I’ve got a tear in my eye and I’m holding my hand up in a salute to America and its heroes.)
  • Real talk: many people already assume you’re racist based on your statements about homosexuals and the fact that you come from the South. Even if the money wasn’t such a factor (and it is. I’d probably do porn for $500,00 to be honest with you), the proof that you’re not against the sexual mingling of different races would definitely shut those libelers and slanderers up. They won’t even be able to look at you in their shame!
  • Porn is acting, so even if it’s a lesbian sex scene, it’s likely that the woman you’ll be performing with, like you, is not a “straight lesbian” as my doctor refers to them. Therefore, when you’re out there in Lexington, KY, fanning yourself with all the cash you earned from this endeavor, you can shut down any rumors of your own homosexuality by saying “God, Mabel, it’s called acting. Look it up!”

And listen, God will be cool with this. All you have to do is refuse two lesbians a marriage license afterward.


Contact the author at mark.shrayber@jezebel.com.

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