Hello, and welcome to details we now know about a celebrity that we almost wish we didn’t know! I’m your host, Area Woman Who Previously Had No Idea That Dax Shepard A. Had a Vasectomy and B. Jerked Off Into a Cup While in the Middle of Heavy Traffic.

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At about four minutes in to this interview on Wednesday night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live! is where the story takes a turn. We’ve seen recently, if we didn’t know it before, that Shepard is willing to tell stories other celebrities would certainly not dive into, and he did so again last night, after Kimmel asked a seemingly innocuous question: “Do you think you will have more children?”

I’m going to transcribe Shepard’s answer in full so those of you who cannot watch the above clip can enjoy it in its entirety.

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Ah, no. Last year, my wife was working in Atlanta. We were there and she all of a sudden goes, ‘Oh, my gosh! I’m so stupid. I’ve been sick for 10 days and ignoring it. I’m definitely pregnant.’ And I was like, ‘We’re going to turn into Jon & Kate Plus 8 or something. We already have no life! This is going to be not worth living. I freaked out. It was so bad. That was Tuesday, that happened on Tuesday. And she had to work, so for eight hours we didn’t get a pregnancy test. So for eight hours I was imagining my life with all these kids. That was Tuesday. I flew home Wednesday for a meeting. Thursday morning I had a vasectomy.

“Wow,” Kimmel responds, as applause slowly breaks out, prompting Shepard to say, “There’s a lot of urologists in the audience.”

I had a vasectomy and Kristin was not thrilled that I did it so quickly but I’m a man of action and so I was in and out, I was back in Atlanta two days after that shooting a Samsung commercial.

“What’s that process like, having a vasectomy?” Kimmel asks.

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It’s pretty great, cause they knock you out for it. (P.S. the guy said ‘You want me to check your prostate while you’re out?’ I said, ‘You do everything anal you need to do while I’m out, leave no stone unturned, I don’t want to hear about any other check-ups for awhile.’) But what you have to do when you get a vasectomy is about three weeks later you have got to take your semen in to make sure that it’s worked. They test it to see if the semen is actually sterile or not. You have to take it in, they don’t provide an area there at the urology clinic to service yourself. So you have to bring in a sample. So I had an appointment at 5 o’clock in Beverly Hills and you have to procure your sample within two hours of when you get there. You follow me?

Dax, we follow you sir.

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Because they’ll start dying and who will know if they were fertile. So I was working, I had a meeting scheduled at 3, no problem, I’ll have time to go into my office, relax, extract, go to Beverly Hills, I brought a Mason jar with me that I rinsed with extra hot water, it was sterile (I think). So I’m in this meeting—mind you, my best friend is in the meeting, he knows the time crunch that I’m under—and the meeting is going on and on and on, it’s all the presidents of Warner Brothers, and I can’t get out of this meeting and the clock is ticking. All of a sudden I have 15 minutes to get from Burbank to Beverly Hills and procure my sample. This is the god’s truth: I had to drive crosstown, rush hour, thank god there was heavy traffic on Laurel Canyon so it slowed down enough that I could...[pauses, giggles] I literally masturbated on Laurel Canyon in heavy traffic into...you’re not just dealing with that, it’d be one thing to just like all, loosey-goosey just go for it, but I have a jar and it’s heavy traffic, it’s very curvy—for y’all who have not been on Laurel Canyon, it’s one of the twister roads in America. It’s hard enough to get through that road while not making love to yourself into a container. Anyways, the great news is I’m sterile.

Anyways... great news.