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Fratastic "comedian" Dane Cook showed up at The Laugh Factory in Los Angeles last night to perform a most unexpected set. What a potentially unpleasant surprise! Famous comics — a label that really pains one to use in regards to Cook, but he was in some crappy movies — are known to drop in at clubs at random, usually bumping some of the night's scheduled performers to try out new material. And that is what happened last night. Here, according to various witnesses, are some choice snippets from his set: More »
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We're not the typical demo for the Maxim Hot 100 list, because if we had penises we'd be men enough to buy a magazine with actual nudity to jerk off to. But since there must be clothing, and we must be ladies, we must judge what everyone is wearing. What lies ahead is not good, and we're not going to pretend it is. More »
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• After four years and two babies, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are officially becoming the Richie-Maddens, which will affect how they file taxes. To celebrate, they held a tabloid bidding war on their wedding photos. Stars: they're just like us!

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• In an upcoming MTV documentary about her, Nicki Minaj discusses how The Showbiz's double-standardism discourages women artists from being more assertive. "When I am assertive, I'm a bitch," she says. "When a man is assertive, he's a boss."

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Today in Tweet Beat, fellow comedians get somber over Greg Giraldo's death, and Teresa Giudice denies reported feud with her sister-in-law. Plus, an update on Lil Wayne's prison release. More »
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• Zac Efron and his fellow High School Musical star Corbin Bleu dropped roughly $2,000 "on lap dancers and vodka" a strip club in New York and stayed there until 3 A.M.; Efron's new film premiered the next day. [PageSix]

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• Mad Men star January Jones allegedly crashed her Range Rover into three parked cars and then left the scene.

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• Michelle Williams denies that she is dating Ryan Gosling.

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• It's Complicated's Alec Baldwin has amazing body image. "I have a great ass, if I may say so. That's a part of my body that needs no surgical enhancement or rearranging." But when it comes to cosmetic surgery, Baldwin says:

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• A car lost control this weekend and hit Bret Michaels' tour bus on a highway in Canada, causing a five car pile up. No one was injured. [People]

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• According to reports from law enforcement sources, Michael Jackson was pronounced dead this afternoon after arriving at the hospital in a coma. He suffered a cardiac arrest in his home, but paramedics were unable to revive him. [L.A. Times]

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• El oh el: It appears none of the celebrity weeklies have bought exclusive rights to pictures of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's wedding this weekend.

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• Grey's Anatomy star T.R. Knight was in a three-car crash yesterday. He was not injured, but two other people were taken to the hospital by ambulance. [LA Times]

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• Did John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston break up? Sources say she's been dumped. Gah! An unnamed, possibly non-trustworthy, totally random source says: "John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn't ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn't want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together." Is it a good or a bad thing? And how long will we have to hear the "desperate single" gossip about Jen? [Mirror]
• Britney and her sons are wearing white on the cover of OK!. And she, uh, doesn't want Jayden and Preston to have careers in showbiz. "But but I’d love them unconditionally if they wanted to. I’d just as soon they have a more normal childhood," she says. Is it "normal" to be on the cover of a trashy tabloid with your weave-wearing mom? (More in Midweek Madness!) [MSNBC]
• Britney went to a party! And her dad went with her! And she didn't drink! And people say she looked good! [E!]
• Madonna and Guy Ritchie are "on the very cusp" of adopting a little girl from Malawi. Her name is Mercy and Madonna "fell in love" with her at an orphanage last year. [The Sun]

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Sadness! Emily Blunt and Michael Buble have broken off their relationship. They were so adorbs together. Sigh. • A potential mommy cage match has conspired between Jenny McCarthy and Amanda Peet over the issue of childhood vaccinations. "While McCarthy and boyfriend Jim Carrey recently led a march in Washington, D.C., to raise awareness about alleged toxins in children's vaccines," E!'s Marc Malkin noted, Peet told Cookie, "Frankly, I feel that parents who don't vaccinate their children are parasites." • Dane Cook is in court today over a lawsuit from his landlord. The crime? Apparently' Dane's pooch is pooping all over common areas. [Perez, E! Online, TMZ] More »
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• Cameron Diaz and Gerard Butler: Three dates in ten days. Touchy-feely everywhere. It's like, so on. Yeah, this is the kind of news that makes us ache inside. You, too? [Mirror]

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• Jessica Simpson has been hospitalized at Cedars Sinai for a minor kidney infection. Did she pick up something in Kuwait? Ow, ow, ow. [TMZ]

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Yesterday was Cosmo's annual event honoring "Fun Fearless Men." John Mayer was this year's honoree (fun and fearless? More like brooding and interested in blondes with big tits). Carmen Electra and Sara Bareilles were there representing the finer sex, though their ensembles were less than impressive. But the menfolk? From Jon Krasinki to Dave Annable (left), they were mostly looking excellent. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Cosmopolitan's fun, fearless, fine-ass guys, after the jump. More »
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• For the first time in her adult life, Michelle Obama is really proud of her country. Drudge has this quote up in an XXL font on his site and it has replaced much of his plagiarism coverage, so I assume this means she is going to get lots of shit from all the good Americans who were so moved after 9/11 when the country came together to start shopping again... [Breitbart]

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Do you care at all about what Dane Cook looks like naked? If so, you can check out his nude scenes from Good Luck Chuck, both stills and video. NSFW, obvs. [ONTD] More »
]]> http://jezebel.com/index.php?op=postcommentfeed&postId=303281&view=rss&microfeed=true We can think of a very few reasons you don't seem to much like Dane Cook. He's sort of like the funny best friend of Glamour blogger Edgy English Teacher (latest profundity: "You know how they say you live and learn? Well, the same be could be said about loving—you love and you learn" Deep.) who still hangs out with people like Edgy English Teacher because he has a small wiener. Which is why we never knew what to make of the above bit by Dane on crying. We think of it once a week, more if there's a picture of a tear-streaked Paris Hilton sobbing softly into her own reflection in a car window, but it's not enough to redeem his MySpace pimping, joke-stealing, Jessica Simpson-snogging or the probable part he played in Dave Chappelle's becoming disillusioned with comedy. More »
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