Justin Bieber Won't Take DUI Plea Deal Because Drug TestingJustin Bieber is prepared to reject a plea deal prosecutors have offered in his Miami Beach drunk drag racing escapades., mostly because he's unwilling to submit to random drug testing, mostly because he smokes a lot of weed, mostly because hobbies that 19-year-old millionaires specialize in such as sex, video games, food (the eating thereof), and conversations with vapid music producers are all made immeasurably better when one is "on the pot," as the kids say.

Bieber's team of lawyeremoras say there are other issues with the plea deal — they're puuurrrddy certin that the cop who arrested Bieber lied when he said the Canadian rapscallion "reek of booze" and also when he described Bieber's very stately afternoon drive as "drag racing." Mostly, though, Biebs doesn't want to not get high for the foreseeable future.

  • Livid and rich old people in Atlanta have decreed: Justin Bieber shall not step foot in their city under pain of a stern talking to and finger wag. [CNN]
  • Actress and noted ginger Julianne Moore claims that she doesn't own a house elf. Not even an old one she keeps tied to a radiator, for sentimental reasons? No, Moore (more or less) told the Telegraph, not even an old one with a bad leg and cataracts that she's locked in a chamber beneath the stairs, feeding it bowls of broth for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, all the while reveling in her superiority as a rich human person capable of performing her own household chores. If it were up to Julianne Moore, then, all house elves would be out of a job. Julianne Moore, therefore, is anti-jobs AND anti-house elves. [Telegraph]
  • Too-subtle villain Marion Cotillard will play the Lady to Michael Fassbender's Macbeth in a contemporary Macbeth update (tentatively) titled, Slip Daddy and the Electric Thunder Snatch: House of Cards Season 3. [NYDN]
  • Ent destroyer Jessica Chastain can't decide what to post on Instagram now that she has joined Instagram. Suggestions? Maybe pictures of her food? Ooo, what about a picture of a monkey READING A BOOK??? It could wear glasses and everything. And the book is upside down because monkeys can't read. [Instagram]
  • Retrofitted acting replicant Jesse Eisenberg will parlay his lucrative acting career and occasional "Shouts & Murmurs" scribbles into a less lucrative career as a short story writer, which he will then parlay into an even less lucrative career as a traveling fabulist in the German countryside. [EW]
  • Bigots don't bother Michael B. Jordan because he's going to be an awesome Johnny Storm, and, anyway, it's not like racism will have any effect on the box office gross — even a bigoted nerd can't stay away from a comic book movie. [TMZ]
  • In its quest for insight into the twisted mind of a killer, TMZ asked James Remar, who plays the ghost dad of a TV serial killer and so obviously is an authority on the subject of serial killers, what he thought of "Craigslist killer" Miranda Barbour and he answered with words more or less fashioned into coherent thoughts.
  • Truth is often boring, but it's especially boring in the case of DMX, who owes the IRS just over $250K. [TMZ]
  • Concert-goers in Buffalo were certainly disappointed when Justin Timberlake postponed his show, but they were assuaged by Justin's personal apology and by the fact that their city is actually the frozen core of Hell and they're all just shades groping around the afterlife with nary a need for frivolous things like pop music. [AP via Yahoo]
  • Hirsute famous person Victoria Beckham NEVER EVER shaves her legs. Isn't that progressive of her? She had all of her body hair melted off with an intergalactic ray gun that fell to Earth during a meteor shower. Why would she even bother shaving? [Mirror]
  • Ever dream of making out with Ryan Gosling's likeness? Now you can thanks to a new website called yousadunfamouspersonwithyoursadunfamouslife.org/crying/alone/nutella. [Yahoo]
  • Streamlined funny person Kevin Hart has become really popular 10 years after his highly experimental film Soul Plane, in which he and other comedians took turns shitting into the same bucket for about an hour and a half, bombed at the box office. At least in America. In France, of course, cinephiles get bucket shits because they haven't been dumbed down by consumerism and Doritos.
  • Maria von Trapp, the last of the singing children fictionalized in The Sound of Music, died of natural causes on Tuesday at the age of 99. Seems about as good a time as any, then, for some music. [CNN]

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