The Fingerhut catalog is not a myth! It exists, and it is endlessly entertaining. Ready to find Christmas presents for everyone on your list? After the jump, the silly, the sublime and the downright sinful.

For your nephew:
Instead of getting trampled while trying to pick up Guitar Hero III, why not order a real guitar? Bonus points if he has hippie leanings. Include sheet music of "Blowing In The Wind."
($39.99-$99.99)

For your friend's kid with ADD:
Moon shoes will let her bounce around the house with wild abandon — and anyone under 180 lbs. can try 'em!
($39.99)

For your cousin who takes karate and loves conspiracy theories:
Anything on this page! Nurture her Kill Bill obsession with a "fantasy" knife set (throwing star included!), $49.99; help her spy on the neighbors with a telescope, $69.99; encourage her to become a bounty hunter with this horrifyingly realistic semi-automatic air pistol, $89.99; she and her brother can play "Fallujah" with a fully-automatic "M16" air rifle, $69.99. Her parents may stop speaking to you, but isn't that what you secretly hope for?

For your significant other:
As we've mentioned before, nothing says "I love you, but you're always on the freakin couch in front of the damn TV" like an acrylic/polyester/cotton "cuddlewrap." The wolf design is especially classy. ($24.99-$39.99)

For your friends who just had a baby:
Forget the teddy bears and onesies. Get the exhausted couple something they really need: A bar. Free stools! ($199.99)

For your wacky aunt:
Help her heed the call of the wild! A 23-piece bath set in mysterious tiger, lonesome egret, "band of thunder" (aka horses), and the always classy howling wolf. You may be like, why would anyone need a matching shower curtain, bath mat, lotion dispenser, tissue holder, wastebasket, toothbrush holder and shower hooks? Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to do and die buy.

Um, is Fingerhut really telling me to "keep it real"? As the kids say, ROTFLMAO!!!

No. Please. Make it stop.

There is no way that Jesus approves of this hideous shit.

Oh wait, do they mean for Him?