Crap Notes From a Dude: Axl Rose's Manic, Douchey Breakup Letters

Axl Rose’s ex is auctioning off some of the Guns N’ Roses singer’s love letters. Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are petty.

Erin Everly, ex-wife of noted falsetto belting rock n’ roll anagram Axl Rose (it’s an anagram for ORAL SEX. Get it?), is hard up for cash or hard up for schandenfreude. Either way, she’s taken to Julien’s to sell off artifacts from the pair’s relationship, which the AP Style Guide mandates I refer to as “tumultuous.” Available for purchase are love letters, gifts, and an arrest report.

According to the Daily Dot (which spotted the auction), Everly and Rose were off and on from the mid-1980’s ish to the early 90’s-ish. Their romance culminated in an annulment, and lots of hurt feelings on both sides.

One of the notes in the “breakup letters” auction lot reads,

Dear Erin,

I just can’t bear this life — so I must drown my sorrows. The name William proves too much to bear, and now in my moment of despair I have become frustrated + confused… because I, I, I uh, um… uh, I don’t know what to sign this with!

Think of me

when you wipe yo’ ass

Another is a card from La Cienega Flower Shop, which reads, simply, “I MEAN IT!!! – HAPPY BIRTHDAY — FROM AN ASSHOLE!!!”

Butt-related breakup stuff aside, other objects for purchase aren’t so sad. For example, interested buyers can purchase these happy notes. Like these!

You can also buy a hospital bracelet of Axl’s, Erin and Axl’s marriage certificate, and some of Axl’s weird eighties pants. Go on and scroll through the whole offering if you’d like to see a relationship cycle through the giddy beginnings, creamy middles, and sad, smelly endings but don’t have the time or intestinal fortitude to just have one of your own. It won’t make you kind of depressed, I promise.