Crap Craigslist From A Dude: "Go Away Nicely And Quietly And Don't Hate Me"

Though most dudes tend to send their crap via email, this particular dude, as a reader points out, has gone above and beyond, creating what can only be referred to as a CCPFRAD: “Crap Craigslist Post From A Dude.”

Writing in what looks to be some type of verse, this gentleman took to the Craigslist Missed Connections forum to inform his former lady love that things were over between them:

Do you finally get it?
I need you to move on. Go away nicely and quietly and don’t hate me.
I couldn’t bear it if you were hurt and angry with me, though it wouldn’t be the first time
a female said they hated me.
I never meant to hurt you but you are not what I need at this point in my life.
I need someone who doesn’t want anything from me but a fun easy time and good sex.
You’re too special and deserve more. More which I cannot give to you now.
I can deal with monogamy, but I also need freedom to be able to just do as I please.
You’ll want a serious commitment which I can’t give you. Like I said, I can be loyal, I just need
to know I am free and not shackled to any one female for longer than I want to be.
Until my current situation changes and until “this one” I am seeing goes Suzy Home Maker on me,
I am not going to be in contact with you any more. It may seem as though we are friends, but we
are really not. You need to stop trying to think of reasons to be in touch. I can’t do it anymore.
I want to forget you and just remember how much fun it used to be. You made me laugh.
You distracted me at a time when I needed to be distracted and that time is over. I didn’t think I
would ever be back with “this one” but she won’t let me go. She’s easy and has agreed to my terms.
It’s convenient for both of us and it’s working with very little effort. I know I will eventually be bored by her,
but until then, I wish you only the best and hope you find a gentleman to take care of you the way you
deserve to be taken care of. You are a jewel and I know I will miss you, but I’m not planning on changing anything
right now. Besides, she and I both have kids, we frequent the same spots, she’s several years younger than I am and
she’s turned on by my “Tough Life” style. She’s very materialistic, but that’s how she was raised and she knows it and doesn’t
try to hide it so I can’t blame her for loving the good life. She likes older guys with money. I like easy relationships.
I’m sorry, I never wanted you to find out this way. I just needed to somehow gently ask you to move on since
I don’t see a future for us of any kind. I can’t share my personal life with you anymore. It’s hypocritical and
makes no sense. Even though I only want this easy relationship, I am a one girl at a time kind of guy.
This is something I just can’t bring myself to tell you, so I had to resort to CL and hope that you eventually read this and get the hint.
Baby, it’s me. You will always be the only one who was ever able to uncover the real me and make me feel totally myself.
There will always be a space in my heart for you.

Baby, you will always be in his heart. It’s just that things are so much easier with the woman who only wants him for his money and his hot lovin’, you know? I mean, he’s totally down with monogamy, as long as it involves a woman who does whatever he says and doesn’t try to have, you know, opinions or needs of her own. True, she’s totally going to bore him to death, but that’s the risk he wants to take, precious jewel, because actual relationships requiring things like feelings or, at the very least, the common courtesy to break up with someone without resorting to an anonymous yet very public post on the internet, would really just require too much effort, and it’s already exhausting leading a “Tough Life style” on a regular basis. Your days with Mr. Tough Life Style are over, baby, but he hopes you can take comfort in this piece of oddly formatted anonymous poetry, go away quietly, and someday find a guy who has the decency to spill his bullshit in person, or, at the very least, in proper crap email fashion.