Cool Dude Fakes Kidnapping to Avoid Nagging Hosebeast Girlfriend

Sometimes you just don’t want to spend Thursday night watching Must See TV with your girlfriend. Justin Sarten of Florence (Arizona, not Italy) knew he needed a night out. But how can you tell your girlfriend you want to go out with the boys without hurting feelings? Oh, just fake your own kidnapping.

I don’t know how these dudes, who have the internet and must have read about cases like this in the past, are not only trying to pull the old “I was out for a soda when some dudes just grabbed me and stuck me into the trunk of their car” on their significant others, but assuming that their loved ones won’t call the police? Personally, I’d be out combing the streets myself (after calling the police and the fire department and a pizza place) (because stress makes me hungry) if my partner told me he had been kidnapped, and that’s only partly because he’s the only driver in the family. I certainly wouldn’t read the “Help, I’ve been taken!” and respond with a “LOL, K.” And neither did Sarter’s girlfriend. who called both the authorities and his mother. And then Sarten also texted the police, because you can do that now. At least he didn’t call 911 because he was lost in a corn maze?

According to the Associated Press, when police found Sarten with his attackers (chilling at a convenience store, probably sipping on some slurpees), the three men accused of kidnapping him quickly told police that they had done no such thing. Sarten, to his credit, apologized and admitted to lying. Which, fine, but that’s too little too late. Just like Apollo telling Kenya that he’s sorry he lied about her coming on to him. I’m sorry, I am still shocked by that shit.

The police released the following statement about the incident:

Last night, four law enforcement agencies and our resources were spent in an attempt to quickly and safely rescue [Sarten], who we believed may have been kidnapped,” said Sheriff Paul Babeu. “Upon learning of his reckless behavior, which frightened his family and diverted our resources from other emergency calls, suspect Sarten learned that there are serious consequences for crying wolf with law enforcement.

Hopefully, he was also arrested and will now be sued by the gentlemen he defamed.