Confessions Of A Confessions Virgin

See that look on Isla Fisher’s face? That’s the look I have right now, as I am about to watch Confessions of a Shopaholic with a shitload of popcorn and a flask of rum.

You see, I pretty much hate chick flicks. All of ’em. The last one I saw was Music and Lyrics, and I went to a matinée in disguise because the combination of Drew Barrymore, Hugh Grant and bad 80s pop icons was too much for me to resist. I mean, really:

You can tell I’m avoiding, can’t you? Well, so, this idea was hatched over wine with Racialicious’ Latoya Peterson after she sucked it up and, like Dodai, went to see He’s Just Not That Into You. She was not a fan, and we’re both snarky, so we’re in this one together. I’ve never read the book(s?), and I’ve seen the trailer a sum total of 3 times, but I’m already scared.

Ed Note: Megan’s liveblog will start whenever she starts texting me.

2:19: So, l got here late, obviously, but we’ve only missed previews…

2:24: So, the movie opens and the consumerism is practically pornographic.

Oh, God, gay boyfriend is already here.

She’s interviewing for a ladymag job, but goes in for a finance job.

2:25: Oh and of course she already met-cute the love interest.

2:26: She’s shown her ass, giving the cutesy interview, pretending to be a journalist. Worst interview ever.

2:29: OH JESUS CHRIST she smacked into a glass wall. And now we drink.

Did you know all women are bad at finance and dealing with bill collectors?

2:30: Also, we have the best friend who is smarter and less attractive. And they are drinking tequila.

2:31: We just dumped the flask of rum in both our sodas.

2:32: She is writing about her shoes and they are both shitfaced and OH YES they are now mailing a letter to the met-cute love interest and have obviously mixed up the letters and envelopes.

2:33: Aw, John Goodman, and he called her Becky. Her ring tone is the Gwen Stefani “If I was a rich girl”.

2:34: Ok, another pratfall involving glass doors.

2:36: Drinking games; everytime there is a pratfall involving a glass door, or something pink, purple or sparkly, we will drink.

And somehow, she grabs the letter she sent wrongly without being noticed despite obviousness. God this sucks.

2:37: Pink pencil and pink automatic pencil sharpener. Drink. In a meeting!

2:39: Oh God, there was a squeal. Her roommate is getting married.

Latoya says, “She is ridiculously gauche”

2:41: Also, self-help DVD cliche as voiceover.

2:42: She just Googled her assignment from her editor and he’s mad. So he takes her to a presentation and he is snarking their presentation like we are snarking this movie.

2:44: Latoya says, “This is how you enable stupidity.” I am definitely getting stupider.

Latoya says, “She’s so cute it hurts.” She’s wearing pink and sparkly.

2:47: She’s about to get in a fight at a sample sale; hello cliche.

2:47: Latoya wonders, “how will she manage to be the spunky sidekick AND the lead in this movie?”

2:51: Latoya says, “this movie doesn’t make us lady scribes look very good.”

2:52: She’s now pretending that her debt collector is a stalker.

2:55: I realize I haven’t outlined the plot! So, Rebecca wants to work at a fashion mag, but through a series of increasingly improbable coincidences she gets a job with a money mag. Her first article she decides to write under a pseudonym because she doesn’t want to be taken as a financial writer. She is also super in debt.

2:57: Now Rebecca and her roommate are wedding dress shopping because there is not a girl cliche they won’t get.

2:58: Oh, and the extremely pretty girl who is Rebecca’s presumed rival is throwing herself at the love interest.

2:59: Rebecca’s job interview lie that she speaks Finnish has come back to bite her in the ass.

3:02: She’s taking her cute boss shopping now. And he has a rich mother, of course. His mother will obviously hate her later.

3:04: Latoya says, “We need a word for the phenomenon of the Rebecca type: The idiot savant who ends up on top of the world by accident. Ingefool?”

3:07: Okay, now Isla’s character is smacking herself on the ass with a fan awkwardly; no wonder she said she hated watching herself dance on screen.

3:08: Rebecca has just discovered that the cute boss is going out to some ball with the super hot girl that got the job she wanted. Of course.

3:11: Rebecca gets to a shopaholics meeting because her closet explodes on her funny but less attractive roommate.

3:13: The first black person in the entire movie is an NBA player who buys too many Cartier watches.

3:14: She leaves the shopaholics meeting to go shopping and in a porn like speech almost gets everyone to follow her.

3:23: Now she goes to a ball, rips her sleeves, knocks over some rich woman, gets mistaken for a waitress, has to serve her boss and her rival, hurls fish everywhere and her cute boss utterly saves her.

Then he tells her that he likes her.

Then all happy, she naturally runs into her debt collector in the elevator, and it’s pratfall time again!
Then he tells her that he likes her.

3:27: Now Rebecca is buying an expensive dress… before going bridesmaids dress shopping.

3:28: Her roommate gets mad when she sees the dress, and forces her to go to the Shopaholics Meeting… Where, of course, the new group leader forces her to sell both the bridesmaids dress and the one she bought with the editor she wants to work for.

And, of course, she doesn’t have enough money to buy back both. And she is, of course, asked to choose. And, of course, she doesn’t choose the bridesmaid’s dress.

3:33: And then she goes on the TV appearance that came out of nowhere, and the debt collector is there and calls her out.

3:34: Latoya says, we’ve hit the “losing everything” arc, must be the third act. She predicts that Rebecca will have to fight to get the bridesmaid’s dress back. Probably from a homeless person.

3:35: The next scene, she gets in a fight with the editor-boyfriend over the TV appearance, and she tells him about her shopping addiction.

3:37: And the scene after that, she’s walking home crying alone and her roommate comes downstairs, only to watch a homeless lady prance by in the bridesmaid’s dress.

Her roommate stomps off, Rebecca cries, we drink.

Her parents come pick her up in their big cheezy RV, because your parents always save you.

3:40: I turns out that Rebecca is part Finnish, which is the dumbest running gag ever.
In the meantime, her boyfriend editor redeems her at the big fall-out business meeting and will start his own magazine featuring really big voices. Hahaha, how is that going to work out?

Maybe a BLOG??

3:41: And while her boyfriend is packing up his office, her rival that set her up reveals that she’s about to get the fashion mag column she always wanted.

3:42: Cue the meeting in the parents’ house with the French editor. Cue funny French-American antics.

3:44: She then turns down the “affordable fashion” column because it won’t really be affordable.

3:45: Then she goes to the shopaholics meeting again and admits her addiction! It’s redemption time!

3:46: And the gay boyfriend is back. He forwards this email that she’s selling off all her clothes to everyone. They’re selling them in the shopaholics space, with her parents and the other ‘holics.

3:49: Naturally, she’s made exactly enough money to pay off her credit card debt!

She’s at her debt collector’s office now. She pays him in pennies. We enjoyed that part.

3:50: It’s now wedding time! Cue waterworks.

3:51: Her roommate lets her back into the wedding, teary-eyed, because she bought the dress back from the homeless girl.

And, of course, there’s an extra bouquet of flowers for her! And, I believe the second black person of the film appeared, in the form of Macy Gray singing a sad song.

3:52: Latoya remarks that at least the soundtrack doesn’t suck.

3:53: The movie ends with mannequins applauding her as she avoids going in a clothing shop.

The boyfriend is back. He hates the bridesmaid’s dress too. They give one another sad eyes. He’s glad she sold the clothes!

3:57: Credits rolling: the magazine the boyfriend was launching gets off the ground, she gets a column, she no longer shops, the relationship is perfect, she introduces the rival to some pervy Scandanavians as a “famous prostitute.”

3:59: And then they dance badly again. And then the credit music is Lady Gaga.

We agree there are huge gaping plot holes, but Latoya said she hardly noticed because of the rum.
In fact, we now debate taking our sodas because they are the ginormous ones and they are filled with booze!

4:00: Some girl in front of us brought her boyfriend and he was drinking, too.