There are many known dangers in the world—earthquakes, deadly bees, famine, shark attacks, etc. But perhaps none poses a great threat to the future of humanity than handsome British actors doing adorable things.
Here is actor Tom Hiddleston engaging in yet another painfully adorable thing. This time, he pretends to "shoot" webs at a young Spiderman fan who wanted to meet Loki. Oh dear God. Are there no limits to what this man will unleash upon society? We here at the Jezebel Institute for Adorable Blog Research Stuff have been tracking Hiddleston's efforts to wipe out civilization for quite some time now. We have published many of our findings in the past—each one with the same conclusion. Whether its singing pirate songs or holding toy monkeys, it is obvious Hiddleston, known by his covert operative name "Blonde Muggle Loki," is not satisfied simply by being thought of as a bankable Hollywood actor. He is literally trying to kill us, perhaps in some effort to wipe out all of humanity and start a new race of classically trained Shakespearean actors with incredible cheekbones. I don't know.
I have searched through many sad, hopeless Tumblr posts where Hiddleston has struck. They all leave behind the same desperate, chilling messages: "#DEAD #OMGDYING #IAMDEAD #KILLEDBYSEXY
I for one am tired of the eradication of so many innocent lives. Please join me now in my Twitter campaign #stoptomhiddlestonfromliterallykillingme. Thank you for your support.