Kimberly Hall, Director of Women’s Ministry at a Presbyterian Church in Texas, has a message for teenage girls who take bedtime selfies in their pajamas: stop luring her teenage sons into sin. Why would you devil harlots want to control the Hall boys' minds? Are you whores and witches? She outlines her urgent plea in a blog post that includes half-naked photos of her saintly sons flexing their muscles at the beach. It's not meant to be ironic.
Hall begins her post — entitled "FYI (If you're a teenage girl)," because she's hip to teen lingo and double standards — by telling gals that she has information that might interest them. The other night, the Hall family sat around the dining-room table and looked at a bunch of teenage girls' social media feeds, as they "sometimes do" when they're not participating in other normal family activities like playing Chutes and Ladders or stoning impure women. "We have teenage sons, and so naturally there are quite a few pictures of you lovely ladies to wade through." Naturally: boys will be boys! And boys notice things about girls — you may have been showing off your "cute bedroom," as Hall's daughter noted, but her boys were more interested in your braless boobs.
This poses a problem, as the Halls are "genuinely" interested in keeping up with you, but only if you refrain from posing and pouting so as not to force her sons to get boners. It's not like the Halls would ever — oh, wait, here's a totally random shirtless photo of the Hall boys smirking while doing one-armed pushups and flexing their muscles on the beach! WE CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.
"If you are friends with a Hall boy on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter, then you are friends with the whole Hall family," Hall continues (and you probably see a fair amount of teen abs!). That means the entire family analyzes your selfies over dessert and wonders "what you were trying to do? Who are you trying to reach? What are you trying to say?"
And now – big bummer – we have to block your posts. Because, the reason we have these (sometimes awkward) family conversations around the table is that we care about our sons, just as we know your parents care about you.
I know your family would not be thrilled at the thought of my teenage boys seeing you only in your towel. Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t ever un-see it? You don’t want the Hall boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?
Neither do we.
And so, in our house, there are no second chances, ladies. If you want to stay friendly with the Hall men, you’ll have to keep your clothes on, and your posts decent. If you try to post a sexy selfie, or an inappropriate YouTube video – even once – you’ll be booted off our on-line island.
I know that sounds harsh and old-school, but that’s just the way it is under this roof for a while. We hope to raise men with a strong moral compass, and men of integrity don’t linger over pictures of scantily clad high-school girls.
Every day I pray for the women my boys will love. I hope they will be drawn to real beauties, the kind of women who will leave them better people in the end. I also pray that my sons will be worthy of this kind of woman, that they will be patient – and act honorably – while they wait for her.
This section is bookmarked by a shirtless photo of her kid.
Don't fret, black magic mini-sluts! It's not too late to repent. If you think you’ve made an online mistake, "RUN to your accounts and take down anything that makes it easy for your male friends to imagine you naked in your bedroom." Timesaver: you won't have to imagine Hall's male kids naked because they are basically naked right here in this blog post.
Instead of addressing a letter to unnamed teenage girls, Hall could've had a (shirt-optional) chat with her sons called "FYI (If you've been brainwashed by Biblical sexism)."
"Respect everyone regardless of their gender/sexuality/appearance," she might've said. "Don't worry! It's okay if you have sexual feelings! You're a sexual being! Girls are too. That doesn't mean you can treat them like objects. You and you alone are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Get over this Madonna-whore complex while you still can."
After some commenters expressed confusion (they were still mostly pro-slut-shaming but in an equal opportunity kind of way), Hall reposted the entire essay with more modest photos of her kids. "Thank you for sharing but I think those of us who share your morals and integrity didn’t see the [shirtless] photos as 'sexual' or poor in choice," someone wrote on her more recent post. "It is easy to see the difference and know one from the other." Yep: it's as obvious as the story of Adam and Eve.