President Obama went to Cuba last month, and as the normalization process continues between Cuba and the U.S., you’re gonna see a lot more American shit over there (there has already been plenty of hand-wringing over Cuba becoming a resort dystopia… OH NOES A W HOTEL SHIELD YOUR EYES!), and you’re gonna see more Cuban shit over here, too. Namely cigars. Americans traveling to Cuba can now bring back home $100 worth of stogies. And once the embargo lifts, Cuba will—in theory—be able to export them to the States. That’s good news for cigar aficionados, who have been creaming their ashtrays in anticipation of this moment.
And it’s bad news for the rest of us. Because cigars are fucking garbage.
I goof on bros a lot, but the truth is that I like most of the things your average broseph also enjoys: brown liquor, stewed meats, double guitars, wiffle ball, Jason Statham, old Coors Light posters featuring chesty models, etc. But I draw the line at cigars, man. I don’t give a shit if they’re Cuban. I don’t give a shit if you plunked down $500 for some exclusive box of Macanudos made from pristine tobacco leaves grown in the richest, most volcanic soil, that are then air-dried in a straw bungalow, hand-rolled by a 87-year-old cane farmer, and aged in a deluxe humidor for a year, perfuming the end product with luxurious cedar oil accents. Fuck that cigar. It’s disgusting.
We’re gonna get flooded with all these Cuban cigars and there will be a whole cigar renaissance, with area golf bros snatching all of them up and shrouding your town in acrid, black smog. It’s gonna be fucking terrible. Every time some asshole wants to be a big shot and lights up a cigar, the smell radiates for MILES. I didn’t ask to smell a cigar. Did you ask to smell a cigar? Cigar bros think their cigars smell like Jesus farts. They think they’re doing you a favor by sending the stink your way.
And even worse, the whole reason cigar bros light up is so that they can be SEEN smoking a cigar. Oh wow, who is that wealthy baron of a man smoking on such a large cigar? He must have just closed a really big land deal! Cigars remain an antiquated symbol of success for reasons that escape me. You don’t even inhale the smoke. Why are you bothering? Smoke a joint and at least you’ll get something out of it. A stogie is basically just the world’s worst incense. It’s not worth the early onset lip cancer to slobber all over one for an hour. Look at Colts coach Chuck Pagano’s dad chomping on the wet end of one…
What the fuck, man.
There I people I like who also like cigars. Like Chris Pratt! And my neighbor! Those are all fine men. And sometimes I feel like a dipshit for refusing a cigar when offered one. But I’m tired of acting like a cigar is some magical talisman of virility. You wanna smoke one? Fine. But you should have to go deep into the woods to smoke your big asshole candle, away from the rest of us. And if you smoke one inside because you think you’re George Burns, you should have it stubbed out in your asshole. I’m tired of BIG CIGAR convincing everyone that these things smell wonderful and that onlookers will visualize giant moneybags around you whenever you whip one out. They’re pointless and gross, and they should all be tossed in a volcano. Fuck cigars.