Candace Cameron Bure—"traditional" wife, former Full House star and sister to Kirk—is currently a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Because a good evangelical never misses an opportunity to SELL, SELL, SELL that Jesus, she's using the show as an opportunity to remind everyone how to be a proper Biblical lady.

Apparently, it involves butchering the rumba.

The erstwhile D.J. Tanner is, of course, a committed Christian and often takes the opportunity to remind the world, for example through books like Reshaping It All: Motivation for Physical and Spiritual Fitness. So naturally, a good slice of her time on Monday night's episode (clip via FaithIt)was devoted to dithering loudly about balancing her values with hip-swiveling dance moves. For instance: "I'm a Christian. My life revolves around my relationship with Jesus Christ. So with the overall tone of the dance, with the costumes, I'm not going to take a backseat. My voice will definitely be heard."

"This rumba is not a sexual dance. It's a sensual, emotional dance. Sensual is more sexy than raunchy sex," she insisted doggedly. Sure, Candace! Whatever you say!

So her team toned the rumba down as much as they could, attempting to make it more romantic, less raunchy. (Not that that included Cameron Bure putting on a pair of pants or anything.) After her performance with partner Mark Ballas, she told host Erin Andrews that, you know, some stuff is for her hubby's eyes only (which extends to Latin-style dance moves, apparently): "I've been married for 16 years. I am a sexual woman. But I want to reserve certain things for my husband. So we did the best, I think, that we could with the rumba that I still felt comfortable doing."

Candace Cameron Bure is the most annoying sunday school teacher in the whole church, the sunday school teacher all the other sunday school teachers roll their eyes at. Points to her partner for informing her that, "You're worse than Bristol Palin. And she was bad."

Anyway, she's got it all backwards. A truly old-school fundamentalist wouldn't have anything to do with the rumba in the first place. Everybody born south of Baltimore knows Baptists are opposed to extramarital sex because there's a chance it might lead to dancing.