Of all the pop stars milling about the culture landscape these days, Chris Brown has a singular talent for making it impossible to sympathize with him even if he’s recounting a vaguely traumatic incident from his childhood. You know, like that time he lost his virginity to teenage girl. When he was eight.
Brown’s recent interview with the Guardian took an unexpectedly revelatory turn when he confirmed to a baffled interlocutor that he lost his virginity when he was just eight-years-old to a girl who was “14 or 15.” “AH!” the casual reader might think. This could explain a lot of — oh wait, never mind:
He lost his virginity when he was eight years old, to a local girl who was 14 or 15. Seriously? "Yeah, really. Uh-huh." He grins and chuckles. "It's different in the country." Brown grew up with a great gang of boy cousins, and they watched so much porn that he was raring to go. "By that point, we were already kind of like hot to trot, you know what I'm saying? Like, girls, we weren't afraid to talk to them; I wasn't afraid. So, at eight, being able to do it, it kind of preps you for the long run, so you can be a beast at it. You can be the best at it." (Now 24, he doesn't want to say how many women he's slept with: "But you know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I'm just that, today. But most women won't have any complaints if they've been with me. They can't really complain. It's all good.")
Maybe this is just a boast-gone-awry, or a story that Brown’s told to his friends one too many times, shaving another year or six months off his age with each iteration to make himself sound like some sort of mythical sex Jesus. It’s like a reverse Methuselah, who, sure, might have been some really old dude, but definitely did not live for 969 years. Some legends can get a little out of hand after enough retellings. Then again, if this is true, then congratulations to Brown...for turning a personal confession into yet another opportunity to showcase how unpleasant he seems.
Editor's note: Jezebel failed to properly approach and address this topic, and we apologize for the oversight. Let's try it again. -jc